((Michele)),

Most of all, I want to let you know - that just because your A says things - it doesn't make them true.  Just because he wants things, doesn't mean that is the way it has to be. 

Before starting recovery, I had no idea that I could say "No" to my A.  That I could say "I'm not comfortable with that option.  That I could say "I'm supporting the household, so then I have a say so in the decisions."   

You have options, you have choices - It's your tax refund & it's his debt.  Is there a friend you work with that you can ride with & give a little gas money every pay day?  

Just a few suggestions - Please take care of yourself & know that it is ok do to what is right for you.

Rita

My first question is if he isn't working where is he getting the money to drink ?  second is why isn't he working ?   You may not believe this but u have rights too and when your check comes in i't yours to decide where it will go .  If the money went to help both of u out I agree it should be paid back but if he were doing it you could bet it wouldn't get done . Perhaps pay off your bills   send a little to parents with a thank you *the cost of car repairs * sounds reasonable and save the rest for your self .
And don't count on his leaving anytime soon  he's got it pretty good right where he is , so if he is smart he won't be going any where.

Thank you for those suggestions.......I have met a couple of people at work who I trust, and I will talk to them tonight......

To answer your questions, Abbyal, I don't withold all the money from him. So yes, I am providing him with the money that he uses to drink.   I do hide a good bit of it away to make sure I can pay the bills and buy food. Maybe it is wrong to give him any at all, but I have to live here right now, and to deny him any money would make a bad situation even worse.
He isn't working because he has been fired from at least 8 jobs in the last 2 years because of his drinking. Nobody wants to hire him.

And I'm not "counting on him leaving". I know I am stupid for putting myself in this position again.....I believed things were going to be different.  I don't need anyone to point out to me how foolish that was, believe me.

Michele

         I feel for you, jajanma! He's being a bully. And he doesn't work! If it were me, I would come right out and tell where the money is going. Part can go to the in-laws but due to continuing financial difficulties, the rest has to go towards bills. You could ask him how are the bills that keep the roof over his head going to be paid if you don't work. You don't have to tell him you're squirelling away money for a car of your own. If you have to, maybe you can catch a ride to work with someone. Do not kick yourself for having let him back. You did it because you thought it may work. I would just focus on a plan for myself. It may take a little while to get a car of your own but you can do it. Let him run his mouth. He'll probably shut up after a while if he doesn't get the reaction he's looking for.......Decades ago I was married to a guy who worked while i stayed home with the kids. I felt like a prisoner because I was dependant on him financially. I got a little part time job ( had to get a ride from my brother)and put almost the whole small paycheck in my little bank account and in about 3 mos. or so, I had enough to buy an old car from a private owner. It wasn't the best looking car :o) but it gave me untold freedom!! Not only could I get out and about but I also started a full-time job which enabled me to start saving bit by bit again so I'd have money to buy a newer more reliable car. Nowadays, I will not share anything about the purchase of a car. It will be mine, mine, mine, - from the downpayment, to the insurance, to the loan, to any repairs. It will all be my money in my name! No one will ever be able to use my car as a threat! And the payment of it (plus tiny savings towards a future purchase years from now) will have priority over a lot of other bills because without a car, I can't get to work to earn money to pay bills,etc. :)  Good luck, honey. You will work it out I guarantee......jaja

Jajanma,
Please don't beat yourself up about it.  You are not stupid, for thinking things may change, you are just living with the fact that they haven't at this point.  We have all been there in one way or another!  When I have been in the thick of it like this before, I lied about the amount of money I was getting back.  Told him what I HAD to pay and said the balance was his.  This way, I was comfortable with what he got and I took care of what I wanted, which included putting money away in what is not called my "plan b" account.  I don't know if it is too late for that, and others might not agree on the lying part.  I was in survival mode at the time and that was the best I could come up with.  When you ask co-workers about getting rides, you may want to ask if they know of anyone selling a used car.  It is cheaper to buy from private owners, as opposed to the car lots.  A local newspaper would have listings as well under the classifieds.  Good luck.  Keep coming back and posting!  For me, at times this is the only place I can get the support I really need.

Take care of yourself,
Leetle

If its any consolation I live with a bully too. He is a total pig sometimes when it comes to being belligerant. I used to step up to all the bills and soon exhausted my savings. 

A's are really adept at making it all about you.

So what I have learned to do is to withhold information and not say much. Since you are the only bread winner it makes sense that you need a nest egg to pay the bills.  You could as a token pay the parents some of the money.

One thing I have learned is not to argue with the a. I say oh, yes, oh, yes, ok. I don't agree to anything. I also postpone, let me think about it.

Please don't beat yourself up about taking back the A.  We have all done it. We have all been there.  It is pretty normal to give them another chance. I've given the A I live with umpteen chances.  I have lost count of them. I used to move out when I had the money then come back and believe he was really going to try. Within an hour of coming back I knew it was a lie.

I think it takes a lot of courage to come here and speak your truth.  My truth is pretty ugly.

I also know that I worked at night for a while and it was hell to be around the A. He had no respect for the fact I needed to sleep during the day. His cronies were knocking on the door and all. 

So one action you can do is to do and say little.  Be vague, be non specific and take care of you.  Doing that one day at a time gives you clarity.  You have options remember that.  You are not trapped. I'm not going to give you the big lecture of you chose him. I don't think anyone chooses to be miserable, put upon, lied to, bullied and chastised all the time. There are still elements of the A that I find attractive. I know he seduced me totally being the person who could not do enough for me.  That person is now gone.  His alcoholism progressed.  Nevertheless the A can at times still be super nice.  I watch for those moments because the inconsistency is some of what hooks me back in.

I am glad you have established yourself in the job.  Don't let his bullying sway you.  For whatever reason some A's dump. I am no longer a dumping ground. I do better with that some days than others. I keep my eyes on what do I need to do next.

Thank you for posting.  It is so so so helpful to me to know I am not alone in dealing with this craziness.

Maresie.