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I realize when looking back that I took no responsibility for my life, my credit, my happiness, or anything related to me for that matter. I made and still continue to make choices passively, but I am learning. I am struggling with something lately. Both my spouses and my credit was ruined due to living above our means. I have been trying to build my credit, which I have done....brought a car in my name and even got a small credit card. I have been making my payments on time and my credit has gotten much better. The thing is this, he needs to rebuild his credit, but because his was worse than mine he could not get a car. The only way they would give him a car was if I signed also, stating it would build both of our credit. This really scared me, I think it is a trust issue. I DON'T TRUST HIM!!! I think I am afraid to work with him, but he does need a car to get to work. Have I separated myself too much from him?
Anybody who struggles with this, I would love some input.
i am learning about co dependent behavior. something recently revealed to me............., " I DON'T HAVE TO TRUST THE UNTRUSTWORTHY ". be it my father, mother, spouse, sister, brother, anybody, i believe is untrustrworthy, is not worthy of my trust. there must be a reason you have posted here and said......, " I DON'T TRUST HIM!!! "
Hi welcome and give yourself a big hug , u have done great so far on taking responsibilty for your own stuff , keep on doing what your doing. I have never been in the position your describing with your A's credit but i will share something I heard along time ago tht really ticked me off a speaker AA said that an alcoholics dream was to meet an Al-Anon with a great credit rating I believe that everyone laughed but me. You dont say if A is sober or still drinking tht would make a big difference for me . Sober I might take a chance and help him out I would ask him to keep looking for companies to loan money some will give a second chance interest may be higher but he just might get lucky . On the other hand if you only have to co sign and he will be the resgisted owner of the car ,if he didn't do the payment thing and it fell to you again it culd be rough for a few months but the vehicle can always be sold and money put towared the debt. Oh and by the way how is he getting to work now.?? I have friends who have been in the same position as your A , small credit cards given out by large stores is what got them started to rebuild on , buy something on credit pay it off imediatley . no balance- after a yr all of them were returned to no risk . good luck Louise
You care about your A, and in your caring you co-sign on his loan. Therefore, are you willing to "put up with" him not meeting the obligation, thus hurting your credit again?
Just a way of 'turning a page or two ahead' to see possibilities based on your choice. Will this bring more resentment into the relationship, or less serenity for you?
There are more questions pertinent to your situation you could ask yourself. Only you know the risk . . . just remember, you are risking YOU.
I admit this is a hard hard choice, we can live without cars but not very easily.
I read your question and man oh man, I could immediately relate. Both my A and I have been irresponsible, and I took back control of all but a smallish amount of money because I couldn't trust him. My A is just beginning sobriety (again), and I can't tell you how many thousands of dollars of our retirement he's blown in the last six months. I personally WILL NOT put up with it. Not at this point, and seriously considering not again, ever. It's another way for him to take me down with him, and all he can do is say, Woops, sorry honey! It's not worth it for me, but that's just my situation :) .
He doesn't drink and he works hard, but he is terrible with handling money. Instead of working for something and saving, he tends to get it first saying "Oh I will work more hours", until he can no longer physically do that and everything falls apart. I guess he doesn't know his limitations. He has a car that is paid off, but it gets terrible gas mileage and needs some expensive repairs. I'll see how it goes....either car can be sold if the need be which will give me something to fall back on. He's angry because my credit is better than his, which is something I noticed in this relationship. If I say, I'm tired, he'll say well I am more tired. If I say, I am stressed, he will say I'm more stressed. What's up with that? I told him yesterday that I notice he always does that. Everything seems to be a competition. This isn't a football game, it's suppose to be a marriage. He seems to be keeping score. It drives me crazy. Anyone else dealing with this?
The car has been a huge issue between the A and me. I did not fully acknowledge for years the consequences of his reckless driving. I also didn't acknowledge my rescuing was killing me.
I can relate to this very much. The issue for me was did I have to buy a new truck? Not really. I wanted a new one because the A was always buying lemons. We live somewhere where having some means of transport is necessary. For example I can't get to my job this morning without a ride part way. I'm not about to walk miles and miles to be a martyr. I've been there and done that with the martyr stuff.
So I would say consider your options. Do you need a new truck, can you get a second hand one. I wish I had done that! I could have brought from a reputable dealer. But no I did not think in options then.
I have spent a lot of time rebuilding my credit. I have good credit now. I will need it. I also have a lot of debt and a considerabe portion of my income goes to pay it. Overtime I am going to have to find a way to reduce it and I am working on that as part of my plan b.
Personally I would really urge you to think carefully about making a huge financial commitment with the A. My own financial commitment kept me tied up for 5 years plus. I also think it nearly killed me with resentment and outrage and rage. I wish I had never done it. I know the impulse, I know all the reasons for it, I know the sense of wanting to help. I also know that that was nearly my undoing.
So please please please think options rather than you "ought to". Think long term rather than short term. For me that payment nearly crippled me for a long time. I went without for years to pay it. I went without things I needed. I went without peace of mind, I went without sleep.
I did decide to pay it off. I did decide to make a plan b and that was a huge part of it.
Marisie, I got a credit card with my bank to rebuild credit and they help me keep track of it. It just went up another 30 points, I was like "yes". I no longer trust the finances to my dry A. I take responsibility for me and it feels good. The car he got was not very expensive, so I will keep a watchful eye and take it from there. I have to take some of the blame also with the finances. I never want to be in that position again, doing without "basic needs", neglecting myself,working, working, working, for what "THINGS", for my kids making me feel guilty or less than because they don't have what their friends have. Insanity. Obviously I didn't think much of myself if I allowed them to make me feel that way or is it the people-pleasing thing,wanting to be liked, fear of conflict, who knows. I guess we look for external things when we don't feel good about ourselves inside, which is how I guess they feel inside. Damn.
