The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Living my life for me has not been easy. In the last couple of weeks I've given some real thought about my life, the present circumstances, and what I want my future to look like. I know what I don't want. I don't want to be managing another person's emotions when I'm 45 or 50. I don't want to keep going through financial up and down's never having enough to save to do anything with my life with. I don't want to be with someone who is miserable because he can't seem to make the right choices for his life, so he takes his misery out on me and the kids. I don't want to live like I have to walk on egg shells or do things that I really don't want to do just keep the peace in my home. That is not a life for anyone. Who would want that life? Right now my present circumstances are somewhat limited, but there are things that I can do right now to make some positive changes for me. My question is how have other's made a life for themselves while living with their A's? What am I missing here? Maybe I'm still too attached thinking that things will change. I'd like to visualize the positive but honestly I don't want to waste the time and energy right now visualizing my life with this man clean and sober; cause I just don't have much faith that it will happen. HP cannot help those who don't want to help themselves. HP can't bless someone who is constantly doing things he shouldn't do. Then again who am I to say he should or shouldn't be doing those things. For my life to be the way I want it to be I feel like I have to emotionally turn him off.
Opening my heart to him and continously being hurt over and over is not healthy. My boundaries are still fuzzy but they're getting stronger. I want to say No, I'm not o.k. with that, and I do, but there is a price to pay for it. I don't want a price to pay for saying No anymore. I'm angry, I'm hurt, I feel duped, and lied to, but I chose this life. I chose this pain and its only me who can make the choice to change the course I'm on regardless of the present circumstances. I love my AH very much.... everything is not crap, but the bad stuff is smothering the good stuff right now. I have a Plan B, and some of it has been started, it will take more money and time to prepare for "anything to happen". The biggest thing I want right now is to feel better about my life, how do you that when you love someone and you want that person to healthy and happy and there is nothing you can say or do to make that happen. I watch the days go by and I feel like I'm watching my dreams just fade away. My children have grown used to their father not being apart of our weekend activities, their used to his bad attitude and not wanting to be around us. They are used to me just doing things on my own. I guess its just time for me to accept that this is how it will be. Wishing and waiting for a miracle is just wasting more time that I could be using to put in my life. Its just not going to happen for me. I didn't choose wisely, I said "yes" to the things I should have been saying no to. Had I stuck with the hard choices.... of dumping the A when I had the chance life would look pretty different now. That time is over, and it was not all for nothing, it brought me to my two precious boys. Maybe that is love I was meant to experience.
I know this is lengthy, just needed to get this out today. Any ESH on how other's have gone on to make a happy life with present company still around doing their same ol' thing would be really appreciated right now. Wishing each of you a positive, happy, calm day.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I have been where you are. My children are 6,5,5. I must have submitted the same post. I have been married almost eight years. I think once my ah got "God" into his life he started to change for the better. Don't get me wrong it was pure hell trying to get here. It wasn't until I gave up and filed for divorce for the third time that he finally got it. (well, I hope he got it) He quit for me and the kids and became a dry drunk and it was worse. It wasn't until the last month that he's realized being mean and miserable doesn't do any good for anyone and is going the "nice" route like he should be. So far I have to say that yes your ah CAN change but ONLY if HE wants to and ONLY with help from an outsider like God or AA. Sadly if he doesn't want to you have NO choice but to leave him. I know that once your divorced there are MANY places that will house a single mother. I would be more then happy to tell you your outlets if you'd like. When YOUR ready to make your move for you and those children let me know. I'll do my best for you. I totally understand every word that came out of your mouth. I found this place helpful because I can't get out. I don't have a sitter. Your going to have to live like this man is dead (I know that's a horrible way to look at it) but until you realize he is not a healthy role in your family but a really bad disease you won't be able to give those kids a stable life. They look to you for stability. You have to give them that. They need one healthy parent and not two sick one's. :) good luck sweet heart. We are here for you.
One of the slogans that helped in my home is "Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes." My AH and I lived waiting for change to happen to us, not initiating changes. My AH wants sobriety, but struggles endlessly with his uncontrollable compulsions. We discussed this slogan a lot and wrote in on our chalk board in the kitchen. We both started slowly, simply by attending f2f meetings. He was still drinking. He got a sponsor. He was still drinking. He was asked to to step 4 with his sponsor. His drinking slowed dramatically. This one may sound odd, but it has had a profound affect on our home... We decided to turn the TV off at all times unless we were planning to watch a movie as a family. He stopped drinking. It has been 8 days. He has been working, reading, playing games with me and child. Very strange.
I am not saying that turning the TV off a long time ago would have stopped the drinking, but neither of us realized that we would morph into a bored vegetative state in front of endless nothingness called television and the only way for him to tolerate the boredom was to drink. It is only one facet of his problem, but an important one.
I am getting off track. My point is that we have to be the ones to make changes in our lives that ultimately change the dynamic of our lives. Start slowly and HP will guide you, sometimes it can be something simple that we didn't even realize.
From reading your post is sounds to me (and this is just my thoughts on the situation) that you are carrying a lot of the blame & guilt for the unhappiness and dysfunction in your home. I believe that maybe some unrealistic guilt. You made decisions for a life with your H based on what you believed to be true intentions. Both of you did. Both of you at the time were trying to make your home a family home.
Just because the disease has crept back into his life, doesn't mean that you made bad choices. In my understanding of the disease, it means that the disease is doing what it does. Destroy lives, homes, futures and people. I don't see it as your fault. I see it as the disease's fault. Which is why I like how the Big Book of AA says it is "cunning, baffling and powerful" - That is just my understanding of what we are dealing with. Not an excuse - just an lesson for me in acceptance.
You have tons of emotions going on right now and living your life for you right now may seem impossible & foreign. Doing it all at once may be impossible. Try it like all things in recovery - One Step at a Time.
Today, try to do something nice for you - read that good book for a few minutes before bed, take a quick walk on your lunch break, sit on the floor & color with your boys for 15 minutes, or whatever helps you relax. Yes, you will probably still feel the pain of the emptiness of your AH not being a part of this, but hopefully with time that will lessen some. "Fake it til ya make it"
Most of all, remember you are not responsible for everything that is wrong in the world. Yes, we do contribute to some of the chaos in our worlds, but we are doing the best we can with what we have - forgive yourself for being human - guilt & blame probably won't help you in your pain. Please, please be more gentle & forgiving with yourself.
((((HUGS))))
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I'd just like to let you know that the honesty of your post has really just help me an awful lot. I took my ex-A in January when he got ill, he is now recovered from his high blood pressure but dying a death from his alcoholism, he has no realisation of his drinking proble at all. He has moved out since Sunday and at the moment there are very difficult times with my 13 year old, though my son and I do have a good relationship, this board has really helped that as I am not acting quite so much like a crazy nut, I was a lot crazier than my ex-A. My ex rang me today to let me know he had been sick all night. He does not ring me at all when his life is going great by the way, I just get to be able play nursey and allow him to build a nest in my ear a lot of the time. I am hoping the only way out is through to be honest and I am going to read a nice book for a few minutes, before I really took it out on the fridge if you know what I mean and ended up quite overweight. Keep posting, its not just the good stuff that helps and be a wonderful mom to those great kids you have.
Thank you all for your ESH. Reading this feedback gives me some hope and gives me some things I can chew on. I do feel a little better this afternoon. Its tough to be optimistic some days. I woke up this morning and everything I'd been feeling and thinking about just surmounted for me. I had a genuine nasty attitude that came over me while washing dishes. My AH came through the bedroom door waiting to be greeted with smiles and I just ignored him and gave him the cold shoulder, what I really wanted to do was throw the bowl I was washing at his head, but I have my composure to keep, so I opted for just staying quiet.
So tonight I think I'll take some good suggestions and do some fun mindless activity that will give me some fun in my life. Maybe my AH will go out for a while and give me some quiet time to myself. Have a great night everyone.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
What a great post. I am someone who is actually in my 50's and I must say I no longer have the energy to deal with an A. At the same time I am not yet in a position to execute plan b all the way. So I did get a lot out of your post and the energy around it. I can go into exasperation and resentment and I know that gets me nowhere. I have to put my energy elsewhere. I've got myself to the point of exhaustion with the exasperation and resentment.
