The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so glad to have found this site. I moved out of state a few months ago to a more affordable place, thinking it would be a better and easier life for my husband, myself and kids. My kids are 16 and 20 (not really kids). Anyway, they are miserable here and are blaming us for ruining their lives. They wanted to move here too. They take no initiative though to do anything and refuse to work, go to school or leave the house for that matter. I know they are missing their friends and it has been very difficult for them, but they refuse to make an effort. They blame us for ruining their lives and now we have to make it all better for them. They want us to move to another part of the state where there is more for them to do, but it is more expensive. I am struggling again with my needs and theirs. I always put theirs before my own, I thought that is what a "good" mother does. I get so confused when it comes to this. Whey do I feel so guilty. It's so hard. I am feeling so depressed right now.
i woke up this morning feeling angry, frustrated and irrated at my twenty-one year old daughter.
i am thinking to myself, '' i am uncomfortable with these feelings.''
why?
because i am not used to feeling this way.
usually i am angry at myself or someone or something else.
never at her.
this is new to me.
what do i do?
i know that i need to talk to her, she messed up her life, she has to fix it. i don't want to be part of her problems any more, but, if she decides she wants a solution, then i will help. i have allowed her to use me for long enough.
i know this might strange.........., but, somehow my husband and i have let her come between us. we didn't even see it happen. my husband may never see it, and, that is okay with me, as long as i abondon my part in the dysfunction.
i can't fix her, i don't want to fix her, i can fix me.
FIRST THINGS FIRST
i need to be honest with her. stop pretending that i am happy with her behavior towards me. i hate confrontation, and , conflict, but, in order to be honest with myself, i must be honest with her.
so, just for today, it's all about me, and, what i want to do about this situation. I WANT TO BE HONEST WITHOUT BEING AFRAID.
I just finished a book called "how to not raise a brat" In one of the chapters in there it says to make sure that you establish the PARENT/CHILD relationship. It's YOUR job to let the children (no matter what their age) know who the parent is. As a parent all you need to do is clothe, feed and shelter them. That's it. I would tell the 20 year old he is very lucky to have a place to stay in the first place and if he wants to live somewhere else that he is more then capable of getting a job and making a life for himself. As for the sixteen year old he is also old enough to get a job. If he refuses to work then he just has to hush it up and live where it is that you THE PARENT has chosen for him. I would tell them that it is NO longer up for discussion! A "good" parent would not up and move because their children want that. A "good" parent would teach their children to be happy with what they have and if the children are not happy then it's something they (the children) need to make different for themselves. Good luck. Stay strong!!!
Welcome to MIP - glad you decided to join our family.
Moving. That is a big adjustment for everyone. Usually after big changes most of us go thru a little depression. Could be that is what is going on with your household. Maybe time will help. Also, not sure where you moved to, but if you are up "North" being "snowed" in - it is hard to get out and establish new friends, meet your neighbors, etc. Not making excuses for anyone, because you definitely don't need to accept the blame for anything. You made a choice that you thought was best for your family and if they don't agree - that is there issue, not yours.
Just a few suggestions for them to help the kids get out of their "funk" - are they working? Going to school? (College, tech school for the older one?) Involved in any clubs, after school activities? As mean as it may sound - might make it mandatory, especially a job for the older child, with a minimum number of hours of work per week?, the 16 yr old must participate in one extracircurcular activity per semister? It's so hard to break out & make new friends, but sometimes after making those first steps, it happens and life is not as miserable as they once thought.
Then, if they are still miserable, maybe something else is going on rather than just the move, maybe they might need some professional help, therapy, counseling -
It's hard to say, because I don't know your children - you do - so these are just a few suggestions I'm throwing out there - Take what you like & leave the rest.
Oh and as far as a "good" mother - you are a good mother, because if you weren't a good mother - you wouldn't care what your kids were thinking, doing, feeling or anything else. So don't feel bad about not being a good mother - You already are.
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thanks everyone. You are all correct I have always had a fear of conflict, afraid of what the other person would do if I said no, afraid of their anger, afraid of them not loving me, etc... Argh!!!! I gave in because I did not value myself or my opinions enough and too weak to stand up for myself. I am working on that and learning about myself and getting stronger. My son definitely goes between me and my husband... mom said this and dad said this. My husband and I just started seeing a counseler and will have to get them into counseling also. They have been effected by this disease also and need to work on themselves. They are very defiant. I guess I love them too much and have hurt them in the process, never letting them feel any discomfort, doing too much for them, at a great cost to both them and me.
