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Hello... I'm new to all of this. I've never ever heard about Alanon until today, and I immedeatley rushed online to find something...anything... to help myself. I am so desperate, and so brutally alone. My boyfriend of four, (almost five!) years has been knocking back a bottle of vodka a day for about 2 years. It started with beer...and it's progressed to the point where he was wildly out of control. I don't drink, and I never have. Simply because I don't like to. I couldn't, (and still can't.) understand WHY HE HAS TO DO THIS. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO OBLITERATE HIMSELF??? Out of sheer desperation, I'd contacted his parents and tearfully confessed his situation, and my helplessness to stop it. I've watered down his vodka when he wasn't looking, I've hidden his money so that he couldn't buy more, I've ignored the problem, I've begged, I've rationalized with him, I've pleaded with him, I've screamed at him...all to no avail. His parents forced him into a 32 day rehab, where he is now, and they've suddenly alienated me, because I think that they believe that I am somehow the cause of the problem. Am I the problem? Am I doing this? Am I helping this? God help me, I don't know, and I am so scared and bruised and afraid. He called me from the rehab, and he told me that he can't wait to have a drink when he gets out. HE CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE A DRINK? Am I suffering all of this for nothing? We're supposed to get married next year. HELP ME. This rehab is sending him through AA meeting after AA meeting...group meetings, group discussions...the typical perscribed nonsense. Why don't they understand that he drinks to obliterate some painful wound in his soul that's too big and too ugly for him to face? Why can't that help him dig down into himself and weed out the source of this big, black dispair that causes him to kill his soul with poisin every night? He drinks to take the edge off, he says. What IS this edge? What is it about reality that's too harsh for him to bear? Why isn't he getting fixed in rehab? Why are his parents ostracizing me? I am so afraid, and I am so alone. I've planned my future with this man... This man who is so good and so brilliant and so dear to me... This man who is my handsome Dr. Jekyll, that I love with all of my heart, who is taken over by some ruthless Mr. Hyde after the bottle cap comes off. HELP ME, SOMEONE, PLEASE. I have no one to turn to, and I don't know what to do. He's been gone for 11 days now... Shouldn't he be relieved to be off the rollercoaster? IS he off the rollercoaster? WHAT CAN I DO? I am so helpless that it crushes my heart into powder, and I can't think clearly, Because I am so stressed and so desperate and so confused... Someone please, please, please help me.
I hear your pain. I have been there myself, and back....too many times.
Your boyfriend is gripped by a powerful disease which will cause him to lie and cover up. He will obsess about alcohol. To an A alcohol is the most important thing in their lives, more important than people or relationships. They may battle against this at times and seem to try to get sober. Sometimes they are really trying to get sober, and sometimes they are trying to keep everyone around them happy and some normality in their lives, and so they go in to rehab.
From what you say, your boyfriend is gripped by this. No doubt he loves you, but alcohol controls him, and his behaviours. While you are around him it will affect you as well. This is how the disease of alcoholism works. It affects everyone in its midst.
You must remember the following:
YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT YOU CAN'T CHANGE IT
Try to look after yourself and put yourself first now. You owe it to yourself, don't you. Do something nice for yourself today. Don't waste your energy worrying. It won't do any good.
Be kind to yourself. I see from your post you are a kind and caring person who deserves to be loved and cared for.
Keep coming back and keep posting. I wish you and you boyfriend the very best. AM
I am so sorry that you are being affected by a loved ones addiction. The best thing you can do for yourself is to learn everything you can about alcoholism and Al-anon. Read the AA Big Book (available at any library), go to an open AA meeting (look in the phone book), go to an Al-anon meeting (phone book) and get the newcomer information kit while you are there. All of this will help you understand that a'ism is a cunning, baffling and progressive disease and their is nothing you can do to help him see the light. What you can do is learn how to take care of yourself, separate yourself from his addiction, and relearn how to make decisions for yourself rationally.
I know you are hurting and feel helpless and abandoned, but you have come to the right place. Everyone here can empathize with your situation. You can and will survive this.
I'm so sorry for your pain. The only thing you can do is to accept that there is nothing you can do. It's always been my understanding that rehab doesn't work for those forced into it. An addict has to want sobriety, so it is no surprise that he cannot wait to have a drink. To answer your question, no, you are NOT the cause of it, and no matter how many steps you take to attempt to gain some control over it, you never will. Do as the others have suggested, get yourself to the library. Also, amazon.com has a lot of books available on alcoholism and addiction, with a cool lottle "search inside" feature that allows you to read an excerpt from the book before you buy it. Take care of yourself, you will be okay.
JMW, there is only one thing I can add to what the others have said.....please, please don't marry this man. You can love him until the stars disappear, but until he gets help and is sober at least a year, he is not marriage material. Imagine being legally tied to him, AND his actions. Anything illegal he does, you will equally share the blame if you are married. COnsider what drunk driving can cause....consider being equally liable...consider a future dealing with the effects of a bottle of vodka a day, and it's sure to get worse...consider children the marriage may produce...consider losing everything to this dreaded addiction.
You didn't cause any of this. And you can do NOTHING to stop it. Trying to keep alcohol aaway from him is a waste of your time and energy. What is NOT a waste of your time and energy is concentrating on YOU and your future. Doing what is right for YOU.
I am sorry to sound so negative. But I cannot think of a positive thing to say to you; except this: You are worthy of living a good and happy life. You are worthy of honor and respect. You are worthy of true and lasting love. You are worthy of looking forward to a future filled with joy.
With deepest caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
The answers to all your "why's" is that no one can fix your BF. Not AA, not a rehab, no one. Those places can assist him in his recovery but it's quite obvious he doesn't want the help. They do understand that he drinks to cover up some type of issue. All the understanding in the world will not make him quit. Just as nothing could make you drink. The soul responsibility lies with him. It has to be his choice. It is not written in stone that you must get married to this man.
That being said, there is hope for what you are feeling. Alanon can help you cope with the insanity of it all. It will allow you to make clearer choices for your own life. The concentration is on you, what you want, what you will allow in your life.
Again, you, nor his parents can change or fix him. The only person we have control over is ourselves. That has to sink in first. Once it does, you can move forward with some life decisions of your own. This is a great time to find some meetings in your area. You can get a jumpstart on some Alanon tools while he is in rehab. To find meetings in your area call: 1-888-4alanon. They will help you find local meetings and times.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN'T CURE, AND, YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT.
YOU CAN........... GO TO ALANON MEETINGS, LEARN WHAT YOU CAN FOR YOURSELF ABOUT THIS DISEASE, AND, KEEP COMING BACK. THERE ARE THOSE HERE WHO DO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.
Here you will find the help & understanding from people who have been where you are right now, felt similiar feelings to what you are feeling, and who have done some of the same things you have done.
We are the friends and family members that have been affected by another person's drinking or substance abuse. We understand your love for your boyfriend. We have the same love for our A's also. Here at MIP and in Al-Anon and other recovery programs, we are learning that although we love them very much there is not much we can do to help them with their battle with alcoholism/addiction.
The two definite things that we can do . . . 1. Turn them over to the care of a Higher Power
2. Start taking care of ourselves thru a self-care program (such as Al-Anon, ACOA (adult Children of Alcoholics), CoDa (Codepent's recovery group), therapy, counseling, Miracles in Progress on-line meetings & posting, religious organization or many other programs)
By taking our focus off of them, it is truly the best way to help their recovery. It doesn't seem to make sense right now, but in time taking care of yourself is the most loving thing that you can do for everyone.
Keep coming back, don't give up before the miracles happen in you! You deserve them.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi there, You are DEFINITELY not alone!!! I know when I first came here six months ago I felt totally alone. Alone with 3 kids 3000 miles from my friends and family with not one person to call friend. I have not only survived but flourished! I am slowly fitting in, making friends. Alcoholism is very isolating, we are embarrassed, ashamed, feel stupid, think we can change them and ALL that. I want to say RUN RUN NOW AS FAST AS YOU CAN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!! But I know that is so much easier said than done and so much easier to say to someone else than to do yourself. I was totally intertwined with my husband, I couldn't tell where he ended and I began. His problems were my problems, his choices ended up being my choices. I still wonder if I will ever find anyone I love as much as I loved him (note the past tense). I found the most helpful thing for me to learn here were actually two things. #1 I don't HAVE to make a decision right away. I can sit back and do nothing, choose not to choose I suppose. And #2 I do not have to bail him out or help him in any way - you'll notice the more you help the more they resent you and the more you don't the more they resent you so basically they just resent you all the time. It's hard not to live in the memory of the man rather than the reality of today. Mine went to rehab at least 3 times and just got out of jail last week. Standing back, doing nothing to hurt or help and just watching the story unfold is the best possible thing I could have done. I moved out and took the kids always thinking he would get better but waiting for proof of that for a good long time and in the process he has done so many unforgivable things that I can never take him back again. Protect yourself, take care of yourself, do good things just to make yourself happy! It takes a long time to undo all the damage that years of living with an alcoholic can do but soon you will feel joy again! He's not your responsibility! You are!
I appreciate all of your responses. It's so relieving to hear feedback from people who have been where I am. I think that the most painful and the most frustrating part of all of this is desperatley trying to accept that I CAN'T help. That is SO difficult. I feel like I am standing on a life-boat, while I am watching my soul mate drown. I realize that in some ways, though I like to deny it to myself, I am probably a co-dependent enabler, But I'm also struggling with all of these labels... There are so many grey areas, and I can't really figure out where I fit. Carolinagirl... you say that you wonder if you'll ever find anyone that you love as much as you loved...(Haha, yes, past tense!) him... I share your sentiments. I know that there just aint anyone who could ever mesh with me so well, being that I am so ridiculously eccentric. It's so difficult to try to choose between what I suspect is best for me, and living with the man and love, in spite of a crippling disease. If he had cerebral palsy instead of alchoholism, would I be forced to make the same descisions? It's so HARD to accept that i am helpless.
Dear friend, This isnt to give you advice its just my humble opinion Kick him to the curb and save yourself alot of grief. Im 62 yrs of age and I know today that if an alcoholic wants to drink they will drink. We have no control over the alcoholic we can only control how we handle it. Again just my humble opinion take what u like and leave the rest.. Luv, Busbe
You have heard lots of good stuff here, I just wanted to address one aspect of it.
Every alcoholic feels that he has some special pain, that only he feels, that he drinks to obliterate. Most of them try to find someone who will buy into this, and help this tortured soul to find some peace (that would be you, and me, and about fifty other people here). I'm sure he is in pain, most A's suffer horribly. However, most of the pain is self inflicted - and that is what AA can help him with.
Meanwhile, here is you, suffering just as much. Is he desperate somewhere, thinking about the pain you are in? Not likely. So much of this is the famous ego of the A, and the more detachment you can get from it, the more you can be a help to both yourself and to him. Buying into his self absorption does not help him, it does him harm. This is one reason why AA works- they don't fall for any Alcoholic BS, as they know it all too well. Once he starts actually facing his actions, and taking responsibility for them, he can start to get better. Not before.
His parents forced him into a 32 day rehab, where he is now, and they've suddenly alienated me, because I think that they believe that I am somehow the cause of the problem. This is why the rehab will not work. He was forced to go. He cannot quit until he is ready to. If we could get them to quit by force....well none of us would be here, lol. The rehab knows why he drinks, they know he needs help. They also know they can do nothing until he is ready, until he wants the help. So for now they are basically hoping that something he hears there might make a light bulb go off for him. You have to remember a rehab is not a cure, it is only a tool. And like any tool it is useless until he picks it up and uses it for himself.
You are not alone. All of us here have been where you are, some are where you are right now. We are all at our own level of recovery and this is where we come to share our experiences, strenghts and hopes. Please find an alanon meeting you can attend face to face and keep coming back here and going back to the meetings. As far as marrying him........think about what you really want for your future. Don't make any decisions until you are ready, until you can think more clearly. You are not helpless, you can help yourself. You have no control over him, but you do have control over yourself. In time you will know what you want, what is best for you.
Welcome to this group. I think its hard to take it all in isn't it. I have certainly been there with going to the A's parents.
I also know that my A in particular has deep rooted childhood issues that he won't touch. the other night I mentioned his father was difficult to live with. You'd think I called him a murderer. They find it hard to touch on those grief points.
Like you I was a mixture of grief, anger, rage, bewilderment, and more. When I first got here a year and a half ago I just kept coming in and talking about this stuff. Then gradually, very very slowly I got to make a plan and started to focus on me.
The issue is you really, not him. The issue is that you have to try to manage your emotional state because its not good to be overwrought all the time. Al anon can teach you lots of things but it doesn't all kick in day one. I did have a sense of peace when I first started coming here and going to the chat room. I felt heard, loved, cared for and part of.
I also personally think that being in isolation hurts. I have one really good friend who can hear me when I am down. You need that. Maybe you have tried to make the A that. They don't seem to be able to be "there" until they get quite a bit of sobriety under their belt.
So I am glad you are here. You don't have to make the decisions about marriage, leave/stay or whatever immediately. Let al anon soak in for you then make whatever decisions you need to with clarity.
So sorry to hear your story. I have to agree with the others to hold off the wedding. Other than that find some meetings and get to as many as you can. Take care.
JMW - Hi. I'm happy for you that you have found a support group here. Stay with it, and attend whatever meetings you can. It will definitely help you. I work as a counselor in the sub. abuse field, and have personal experience, as well. My brother has been a recovering addict for a short time and has a long way to go. My family has learned to take it day by day and be thankful for the little things. My mother is a recovering co-dependent, meaning she works daily at not letting this disease control her thoughts and actions. I could write so much, but really want to make these 2 points: (1) Treatment for the addict does not have to be voluntary for it to be successful or at least, helpful. 11 days is a short period of time to come to grips with what has probably been years of use & denial. Try to maintain hope & take it day by day. (2) Several people have stated there is nothing you can do. While there is nothing you can do to make your loved one stop using, you can learn to set healthy boundaries, which makes it more difficult for the loved one to use b/c he will experience real consequences for his actions. Think of it as tough love. Once my family learned to see the disease as a separate entity than the person, it became easier for us to set boundaries, b/c we were not, and are not, willing to do things that support the disease. For example, one boundary my parents have set for my brother is this: "We love you, we hate the disease. If you are using, you cannot stay here b/c we will not support the disease." Our intent is to not do anything that will make it easier for him to use. We do this out of love, and I can't say it's easy, but it has gotten easier. We have learned that it is absolutely necessary. We didn't know any of this until we all became active in getting educated and getting help. And while we are not in control of the disease, we do have a sense of control about our lives, and that's sooo valuable. I support you and wish you and your loved one well.
