The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've spent many hours searching on the internet about alcoholics, and what is an alcoholic, and what I can do to help an alcoholoc. My husband, I think is one, and I've been having a pretty rough time lately. I decided that maybe I needed to think about myself for once, and that's when I found this website.
My Story, I'm young, 23 and about a month ago I married my boyfriend of 7 1/2 years. We were both young when we met, he was in college and drank as much as I thought normal college kids drink. But as years passed, I noticed that he did an awful lot of drinking by himself. I was young 19 when he first mentioned to me that he thought he had a problem, and I didn't think much of it at first. But as the years I became more concerned. Every day after work, he would sit and drink from 8-12 beers per night. He doesn't get violent when he drinks, and it doesn't interfere with his job, and because of that, I didn't really know if it was serious or not. We talk all the time about this, serious conversations, he understands he has a problem and wants to stop, but has to fight so hard to even go one night without drinking, and is lucky if he's able to make it. You might be wondering why I married him, knowing he has a problem, and the answer is simple, I love him, and I've loved him for the past 7 years, and I believe he can win this. It's not like he's a bad person, we have fun and talk, it's just that he is sitting and drinking a lot while we do that. I'm disappointed though, because he has promised me so many times that he will be better tomorrow, or next week, etc. And I always hope that it's true, but it never is. I find myself sad a lot, b/c I try so hard to help him. I want our marriage to be happy and healthy, we are newlyweds. This drinking is just getting in the way.
What can I do to help him? He knows he needs help, but he won't go to AA b/c he's afraid word will somehow get out that he has a problem, and he's a teacher, so he doesn't want his students or the school to somehow find out. He won't pay for help. It's like he knows he has a problem, and he wants to fix it, but not bad enough to actually do something about it. Anyways, sorry for blabbing, I have no one to talk to about this, so it is nice to just vent a little
Alcoholics anon is exactly that, it's anonymous. There are MANY teachers there...doctors...attorney's. There is nothing special about him They are all in the same boat. You are where I was eight years ago. You will be waiting another eight years holding on to what you "think he can be" for that many more. If he does NOT get help things will always be the same. There are three C's to remember. You did not Cause this, you can not Control it and you can not Cure it. You can not help him, nothing you do, nothing you say, nothing that you could promise will help him to stop. He has to swallow his pride and call for help or drive himself to meetings. If he doesn't, things will get worse. You can ask everyone on this board and they are all the same...........they all find the same excuses to why they can not get help, all the 'co-dependants' all want to help their Ah's. Yes your co-dependant. I was young 27 and brought three kids into our relationship and you know what? NOTHING changed. He needs to WANT to get help for himself and not for anyone or anything else. All you can do is live around it and get help for yourself. Alcholism can make everyone around them sick. Good luck. Try to get to al-anon meetings. God Bless
no need to apologize for blabbing. you did a good thing. you reached out. you are here. there are those who know what you are going through. we have been throught it ourselves. we understand, and, we care. can you find an alanon meeting where you can talk to people face to face? that is always a big help. KEEP COMING BACK !!! there is love and support here.
Oh, hon, none of us are wondering why you married him, we all have done it. We love them.
One of the most useful things you can do, for yourself, is to stop thinking about what life "should" be like, and hoping for it to change. Unless he comes to feel that he needs to stop, on his own, for himself, he will not. Work on the assumption that this is how he is, this is how he will stay. Can you live with it?
Alanon can help you learn to be happy with the good parts of your life, to appreciate what is good about your husband. And, to protect yourself from the bad parts.
There are a lot of things you can do to make your day to day life better, right now. Most of them have to do with giving up the sense that you have any control over his drinking. His drinking is, in a very real way, none of your business. The only part that is your business is how he treats you.
If you can get to face to face meetings, you will find it very helpful. This place is also a godsend - if you read old posts and participate in new ones, you will find things that apply to you. Not every thing you hear here will be useful to you, but some will, I promise. Read our literautre, find out more about the progrma, and your life can get better. You can get the clarity to decide what you want to do about your life.
You have come to the right place. Many of us have been where you are. In Alanon we gain knowledge and tools to cope. Secrets are powerful - they give the disease power to keep us crippled. Honesty is freedom. Keep coming back!
Welcome to our board , it really dosen't matter how much he drinks what matters here is how it affects you when he does , i have had many of the conversations u described over the yrs all were futile it solved nothing . he still drank . I too loved my husband but after comming to this prog i realized that I was what we called an enabler I believed his lies , i lied for him , i covered up his misakes and made excuses for his rotten behavior . This is a disease and it is progressive it only gets worse never better he may not be doing these things i just described but he will evntually , AA is anonynous his reasons for going are only excuses to not accept responsibility for his behavior l. You cannot save him nor is it your job to do so . In my opinion the best way to help our husbands is to try Al-Anon for a few months see if you can relate to what your hearing change what u can You !! until we stop enabling them absolutley nothing will change except you will get a little crazier .If you havent already started to check how much he drinks , mark the bottles , sneak a kiss just to check to see if he has been drinking if your already doing any one of these things alcohol is beginning to run yur life too It's ok to love an alcoholic * I do* but love will not cure alcoholism he will quit when he is ready and not before. Please try our program it will change your life . good luck Louise
I'm so glad you found MIP. There are many people here who care and understand what you are going through. You have gotton some good advice already. There is nothing you can do for your husband until he wants to help himself. That's it really. Hopefully his time will come.
Maybe you should do some things you like to do for yourself, things you enjoy.
Kasey, AA includes people from every walk of life; doctors, lawyers, persons of the cloth, housewives, bums. That is what the "anonymous" is all about. Your husband need not feel threatened by attending a meeting. Meanwhile, whether he is an alcoholic or not, it is causing a problem in your relationship, so that makes his drinking a problem. Perhaps you should attend an AlAnon meeting in your area.
There is NOTHING you can do to help him Kasey. The help must come from within him. As we say, "You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it." So, so true.
Come back here often where we understand and can offer you strength and hope. Take care of yourself.
With best wihses, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
no need to apologize for blabbing. you did a good thing. you reached out. you are here. there are those who know what you are going through. we have been throught it ourselves. we understand, and, we care. can you find an alanon meeting where you can talk to people face to face? that is always a big help. KEEP COMING BACK !!! there is love and support here.
blessings, jewely
You mean Kasey, Not friend of yours ;) hehehe Silly.
Kasey, The anonymous part of AA is taken very seriously by it's members. It is unlikely that even if your husband saw 10 people who know him, that they would mention his being there to anybody. It is a safe place for him. As for you... the best thing you can do right now is to accept that there is nothing you can do. If a friend of yours broke a vase or something at the home of another friend, would it be up to you to fix the vase? Of course not. You didn't break it, it is not your responsibility to fix it. The same applies to your husband. You did not break him, you cannot fix him. Please start by doing some reading. Amazon.com has a great search feature that allows you to read an excerpt from a book before buying, and it has been a great tool for me as I make a laundry list of books.
So glad that you posted & reached out for help. That is what this site is about - helping the friends & families who have been affected by another person's drinking.
Please continue to post here, read the other post, attend some Al-Anon meetings (face to face (f2f) or on-line), read recovery literature, talk to other recovery people - reach out for support.
Don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve them.
One Day at a Time, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
