The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay, a long time ago I learned what an enabler is and how I've been one in my marriage to my A. So I have learned how to keep out of the way of his drinking ( not ALL the time) and let him deal with it his own self. But I'm thinking that maybe enabling and controlling are related. A few times since we separated, he's called me a controller and I'm still trying to figure out how I am one. For instance, when he was on his last binge, I went to his place, found the door open with no one inside, the place was a wreck with beer cans, etc., and his wallet and keys in full view of anyone who walked past the front window. So I took the wallet home because I just didn't feel good leaving it there. In hindsight, I probably should've just left it alone and let him deal with whatever may happen to his ugly wallet but the enabler in me took it home along with his keys. His drinking buddy told him I had his keys and he called me, still under the influence and pissed that I had his keys, and called me a controller because of it. He's called me a controller a few times since but I still don't see how and when I ask him he doesn't have a good answer. The other night he called me a controller because I wouldn't take the bit of money he grudgingly was going to give me. Maybe he meant that I take money when I want to take it, not when he yells "Take it!" ????? I don't know. I think he's being controlling now - trying to controll whether we're together or not with his coming and going back and forth from our house.....And whenever he was drinking over the years, it was me who had to hold our family together. I had to take care of the kids, buy food, put gas in the car, pay the bills he was supposed to pay so we wouldn't get the electricity shut off,etc. Was that controlling? Maybe some call it that but I call it surviving. If I stood aside to let him take care of his resposibilites, me and the kids would starve, freeze, go barefoot and raggedy, and have to walk everywhere! Whenever he sobered up he'd start paying for things again and I sure let him but I'd have to take over again when the next binge hit.....I think I was an enabler when I covered up for him, cleaned up his mess,etc. And I wasn't detaching - I was pretending nothing was the matter. There's a difference. So where does controlling come into the picture on my part? I can't see it. He's not even here tonight. He's at the place he stays. Never told me he wouldn't be by. He simply doesn't show up at the house. Come and go as he pleases ( I'm putting an end to it). And tonight I found out that our home owners' insurance was cancelled (and can't be re-instated!) because he didn't give me the bill on time! ( he always took care of it till he left and now they forward bills addressed to him to the address he's been using lately). I called him and told him and he told me to call down, it wasn't the end of the world and he'd try to get the policy back or find a new one (that will be hard! we live near water. Insurance co. don't want to deal with homes near water anymore) . But he kept saying " OUR house" and "WE can..". He's still trying to keep his foot in the door by talking like that! And the car insurance almost got cancelled! I've been sitting here trying to calm down but crying from it all. I'm chain smoking (never before) right now and if this was drinking, I'd be drunker than drunk. Just feeling stressed.I was thinking about calling him and telling him about himself but I'm in a bad mood and all it would do is go from bad to worse. So I'm putting the cigarettes down, pouring the caffeine down the drain, watch TV and then hit the sack. Tomorrows a new day. Thanks for listening....jaja
I don't know if you are a controller or an enabler or what you are, but I do see that you are trying to make sense of what a cornered alcholic is saying, and therefore you are wasting your time.
The problem here is that you think that you are having conversations with him about your relationship, and are telling each other truths, comminucating issues, etc. HE, however, is throwing up dust to obscure the problem, so that he doesn't have to face it. Telling the truth is not on his agenda - doubt if he knows what it is. His point is to get you confused so that you continue to swallow his BS. The alcoholic tapdances around, flashes his smoke and mirrors, and leaves you heartsick and full of self doubt, just so he can go off and do what was his real agenda all along, drink.
Keep the focus on you. If you are unhappy with your past actions, keep that in mind, and next time do something different. That's it, it's that simple.
Thank you, lin. You are absolutely right. My brain knows this but my heart just doesn't want to know it. You said it all in your post and so accurately. I'm thinking I should move on - crap or get off the pot - but it's taking that first step that's so hard. Thank you...jaja
You may be both or neither. I admit to being an enabler, controller, codependent, you name it. But you have to add to that list, human. I think lin hit the nail on the head, when she said it is all smoke and screens. He is deflecting his guilt and shame onto you. An easy target, someone who cares about him so much that you have enabled him (cleaned up his messes), controlled him (called him on not being an equal partner to the relationship), etc. It took me a long time (I still don't think I completely get it) to realize that by enabling, controlling and being codependent, I was actually hurting, not helping, my A and hurting myself a whole lot more. I don't have any wisdom here, as I am in the thick of it myself, but I hope you don't beat yourself up too much about labeling yourself as one or the other. It is evident that you are a very caring person. What other people think of you (including your AH) is non of your business, taking good care of you is your business:).
I posted when I was in the midst of a funk - one of those moments when I hit a rut in the road to serenity. That's one of the reasons I come here. So many people like you have words of wisdom or provide a shoulder to cry on so I can pick myself up, knock off the dust and keep heading towards what's good for me. Hopefully, if I see myself as either an enabler or controller or both, I can work this program so I eventually become neither. I think it's probably time to sever the ties to my A because it's draggging me down. I think I sense fear in him aagain, his own guilty feelings. He knows what he's doing in this marriage. He came over again this morning with his coffee, showing concern about the home-owner's policy and how it might be fixed. He emptied the garbage and that helpful stuff, kiss good-bye. I was in no mood to discuss insurance at that hour especially because I was in hurry to get to work and sure didn't need marriage stuff and bills,etc.on my mind at work. And as soon as I got here, I put it all on the shelf. Tonight I intend to let him know what I want to do about us. I'm realizing that the only thing that's the end of the world IS the end of the world! Thank you, jewely....jaja
Remember, Just because they say it doesn't make it True!!!!!
Tell yourself "My refrigerator's not blue"
You may have read this is some of my post before I believe I have posted it a few times. Early in my recovery, my sponsor & I were talking about a conversation I had with my AH. I was very upset about his comments. She made me go to my kitchen, look at my refrigerator. She asked me "What color is your refrigerator?" "It's beige", I replied. She said "No, it's not. It's blue" "No, it's beige", I said. She said "We could argue this all night, but the point is no matter how many times I saw it, your refrigerator is never going to be blue, right? So, just because I say it, doesn't make it true!!"
Great analogy for me - when someone starts a rant that I know isn't true and I need to distance myself from that situation, I repeat in my head "My refrigerator's not blue"
Just my defense mechanism to not take on stuff people try to put on me that isn't true.
Yes, I know that we can all have controlling, enabling behaviors - but sometimes those were the survival skills we needed for the alcoholic jungle we were living in at the time.
You are working on a different way to live. Keep up the great work.
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I had to question this too. I have decided this is just another tactic they use to try to turn things around and put them on you. To avoid responsibility when in reality they are they ones trying to control you by saying what they say and doing what they do. I highly recommend you call the insurance companies and explain the situation and ask if you can have the bills sent to you from now on. I bet the homeowners will reinstate if you explain the separation and that you are residing in the home and were unaware that the bill went unpaid. DONT RELY ON HIM FOR ANYTHING!!! Is the house in your name? Taking care of things that are for you and your children is not enabling taking care of his things is. DON'T DO HIM ANY FAVORS!!! Like trying to protect his wallet, etc. These are the lessons I have learned. It's funny they get upset when you do it and even more upset when you stop!
You know there are times when the A is in one of his awful moods that I wish he would go get drunk. I dont' ask him to. I don't suggest it. I don't do anything to facilitate it. I just wish it. There is no question that he is often in a better mood after he drinks but then the whole cycle starts again, the withdrawal, bad mood, drink.
I think of myself as incredibly human. I have taken care of many of the things for the a. I still take care of things for him. I do less and less though. I do less of the superhuman stuff and more of the practical everyday stuff.
For me personally I don't take a lot of stock of the a's criticisms. They are brutal. I take stock in some of the things friends say to me about rescuing, caring too much, taking care of things I didnt' need to.
For me personally I dont pick the stick up of shoulda coulda woulda. I did not have al anon t hen. I have al anon now it helps. Nevertheless I am early in the program.
I have one friend I can call and talk to. That isn't much. It is something. I need more. Isolation around an A hurts. I choose people to talk to pretty carefully.
