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level.
....I think I'd been doing pretty well lately dealing (or not dealing may be more like it) with my A and his stuff and dealing with my own. Acutally, it'd been going fairly well. He has been spending just about all the time here at the house instead of the place he'd been staying at (which he still keeps) across town. He's been here for the most part since for near a month when the kids were all home for a visit. That's when he was coming off that last whopping drinking binge which kicked him in the rear end big time. He wanted to be around the kids - not a problem for me. He was also physically and mentally whupped from his drinking and was scared to death to be alone in his own place, embarrassed, and all that other good stuff. And he had little money. So he stayed on after the kids left and got with his AA sponser to go to meetings and to talk. Fine and well. Not a problem. In fact, it seemed all good and on the up. But Fri. I asked him if he'd be able to give me any money which he's always done every week until recently. I know he's been strapped but he also started doing jobs again so I figured I'd ask. Well, what did I do that for??!!! The man almost went ballistic! He snatched a bill from his wallet with a mean look and said "great! Now I'm broke!" I was rather stunned at his reaction although he has still been acting tense and impatient since this last binge. So I backed off and said never mind it can wait, I'll manage. Then he got mad at me for not taking the money! We both fell right back into petty bull crap stuff. I decided it wasn't worth it. So I planned on saying 'let's just forget about this. It's not a big deal'. However, before I got a chance to say anything, he called me to tell me he was going back to his place because of my attitude! I told him part of the problem is that he's fine as long as everything is going well but the minute some little problem comes up, he runs. There's no talking something over, no working the problem out, or anything! And makes it look like I'm the one with a problem. But he came over the next morning, in a good mood, happy about more work he got, and it was all good. But he stayed at his place again which I didn't know he was going to do until he called me from there to say that's what he was doing. Then he comes back yesterday, good mood, had dinner, and soon after got up and told me he was going back to the place. Now, mind, I now do not know when he's going to be here or not and I told him so. Right after he left, he called to say he was getting some clothes and he'd be back for the night to which I promptly told him he needn't bother. He made it seem like he was doing me a favor by staying with me. The sex part ,which I had missed before, wasn't even all that good! So he comes over early this morning with coffee as was his habit soon after we separated but I detected a guilty look on his face as though he knew he was playing me. So he calls me at work this afternoon to say he's staying at the place again! I was pissed, I admit. I had to call him and tell him (in a good tone) about himself. He stayed here after that binge when he was a wreck, when he had no money, and then got good and comfortable here with me thinking we're headed in the right direction. But as soon as he pulled himself together and got jobs lined up, money in his pocket, he heads out the door. No talk of where we go from here, how we need to work together or whatever. Then I told him how I feel like he's got the best of both worlds. He's got me and this household that he can come and stay at when he feels like it, eat good, relax, AND sleep with me. And he's got his own little place he can go to whenever he feels like it which happens to be right now. Well, I'm not having that anymore. What the hell page have I been on???? I feel rather stupid at this moment! And I betcha 10 to 1 that in the back of his mind, he's thinking that should he pick up again, he's still got his own place to do it in. Go for it, man. Better your place than mine....jaja
Hi Jaja, I'm new to this board, but not new to the kind of fun you're having with your A :).
Trying to follow his "reasoning" must be exhausting! Sounds like he doesn't know which end of himself is up or down.
At least you know what you are doing. Perhaps if he didn't have the option of coming over to you whenever he feels the whim, you'd have some peace. I like your thinking there.
I've kicked my A out, and every day I have to "remind" myself of what I need to do for me and my little farm . . . even if it's just going around and picking up garbage, spreading a little fresh straw . . . one thing I've done is make my personal environment MINE, the way I LIKE IT, hanging MY favorite pictures, painting the bedroom MY choice of color, putting out some of MY knicknacks a certain person thought were tacky. You know.
In reclaiming my space, I've found a bit of peace, and found it helps keep my inner Nag from having those endless conversations (read: arguments) with HIM, and he's not even there.
This forum, which I found two days ago, has made me feel so much better in general, and reading your post, while sad, just reinforces that we need to focus on ourselves, do for ourselves, and talk to each other as much as possible.
hey it is my experience that the A makes up a reason or makes a reason to get mad so he could stomp out, run to mommys house and use. He could not do it here, so when he knew he wanted to use. ....
Of course he did not want you to take his drug money. If he works that is his first priority. I read that my A would know he would have a job coming to an end so he would save a big portion of his check for his drugs.
He would say he did not get paid, or she will pay me later blah blah. He openly admitted he used everyone he could. Play the good son, get money from everyone with the same story.
I would have him up here to work and pay him. He would go back to mommys and say how horrible I was that he did the work and I would not pay him. No wonder they hated me.
A's are manipulative to the max. They are always ahead of us when it comes to their addictioins.
I would in NO way sleep with my A. I am ninety nine percent sure he has not cheated, but it is not worth an std to me. some will kill you you know AIDs is still rampant.
Again we cannot rationalize insanity. I gave up even thinking about it. He does what he does. NOT my problem.
I liked what Kim said and agree. I make my own space too here at my animal sanctuary. I keep busy with the hay hauling and piling up.
It is my passion. He said he hated my pig collection. I have a huge one. yet when he was sober he always brought me home pig stuff.
He would tell people I was a pig whisperer as they could not get their pig to do anything and when they would bring it to me, it did just what i wanted.
Yet he would tell me he hated all the animals. Yet he brought many abused ones home.
they are insane. NO doubt. I decided to change me and not be insane too. I like me just how I am. And hey if he thru the money at me, you bet I would take it. YOU deserve it. I would not allow him to try to make me feel guilty when I am housing and feeding him.
Your story sounds so familiar. My AH had our home , me and the kids. And Mommy kept a room all ready for him at her house, and provided plenty to drink. Whenever the real world got to be too much for him, he took off on one of his vacations to Mommy's house, which years ago, I labeled "Hotel Hell". It is so sad, this disease knows exactly how to get what it needs to survive. love jeannie
My AH ALWAYS picked fights w/me when he was ready to go on a binge. His inner demons were calling him and he couldn't resist. The best I can figure, in order to make himself feel less guilty about leaving me and the kids for days at a time, he'd pick a fight, make me yell & scream. Then he'd be gone. It took me a while to realize it....to hit that nail on the head. But I see it all so clear now. The ruined vacations, parties, outings and evenings....all due to his need to get drunk or high.....He even managed to ruin the "Most Magical Place on Earth" for me a couple of summers ago....yep - Disney World. Our dream family vacation. His cravings had him so tight that he was a major butt head the whole time...then the night before our last full day there, he went out and stayed gone until 4:00 in the morning. He was a real pill to deal w/the next day......let me tell ya.
Now I am doing precisely what suits ME and the kids. The AH is gone and we are living life w/relative peace and harmony. I hope you can find some serenity in your place there too.
