The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just a little observation for those out there praying for their active A's to get help toward sobriety:
I lived with an active A for 7 years....I went through hell and back. Recently, I started dating an old friend who, after our first date,I found out happens to be in AA and has about 2 years sobriety. What I've learned is sobering in itself.
My point: when the A decides to stop drinking, it's just the tip of the iceberg. A sober A has a long road ahead of them. All the isms are still there, just not the booze or drugs. The ego....wow! Humility doesn't come with sobriety. It comes with the program. This friend of mine recognizes his ego problem and is working the steps with a sponser...and still...there are times when I think thank God for Alanon. I need this program now more than ever. The sober A is even trickier than the drunk at pulling you into their universe. I find myself working even harder now to focus on myself and not get sucked into his program. I'm not sure if I will continue to date this person...it's a lot of work. I'm not very trusting.
For those of you out there...continue to work your own program. If your active A ever does attempt sobriety, you'll be prepared for the issues that brings.
If anyone has any words of wisdom to share...please do.
I don't believe that the sober A is a cookie cutter product. I believe their actions and thoughts vary depending on who the core person is. My A has been sober for over a year. He completely turned his life around with no program and never looked back. Much depends on their awareness, gratefulness and as I said..who they are to begin with. Bottom line is, he chose life.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Like Christy said, an A (sober or not) does not come in cookie cutter form. They all share the same sickness, but deal with it in different ways. All A's get sober from hitting different bottoms and they also deal with staying sober in different ways. Not one way will work for all....kind of like our own alanon programs.
My A is now in recovery and has been for nearly a year. He did not use AA, he found his own alternative program which has worked wonderfully for him. I remember thinking at one point, well before he got sober that if he would just stop drinking all would be well......not true. Even though the A is no longer using they still have issues to deal with and need to learn how to deal with things in a healthy manner. Remember they are used to self medicating and "hiding" from problems and sometimes life in general by using. Now their "crutch" is gone. My A also chose to see a counselor that specializes in addictions. He knows there are things he has to work on and work out if he is to successfully remain sober and in recovery. His mother was a drug addict also so many of his problems came from being raised in a dysfunctional home and not being taught healthy ways to deal with life.
There is also a difference between being sober and having sobriety. Being sober is just not using/drinking.....sobriety is not acting out in an addiction, which means they are willing to no longer act out with the addictive behaviors; they are willing to find healthy alternative behaviors. One thing I try to keep in mind when my A is having a rough day is that he didn't go downhill all in one day and he surely is not going to learn and practice healthy behaviors in one day either. When he is having a bad day all I need to do is tell him to think before he speaks. For us this works very well, but mainly because he is very aware that he still has some work to do.
Again, I would have to agree with Christy that alot depends on their awareness and gratefulness. And their reasons for choosing recovery make a huge difference, they need to do it because they want it, because they want a better life, because they want to live.
What happens when they have to deal with their 'head' because they aren't drinking?
They will act out, rage, yell, act inappropriate...
Until they have some recovery, they don't know how to deal with the 'real' problem...them. The alcohol is just the syndrome. The craving to 'get drunk' or drink at all will go away, the longer they obstain, but if they aren't working a 'program' (not necessrily aa) the more likely they will relapse. My father was 8 years 'sober' before all hell broke loose and he went down fast and hard, and never came back up. For me, yes I am also allergic to alcohol, I also have 8 years 'sober', I have no problem turning down alcohol....however that doesn't mean that my problems are over LOL.
Ego is a big issue for me. I'm fairly certain that my ego and self-centeredness have been major factors in my failure to get a relationship off the ground. This is after many years in the program and being aware (painfully) of my self centeredness.
I don't know if I am doing anything different this time, or if she just likes me that way. Probably some of both. But I have been on full disclosure about that aspect of myself, and I guess we're both on the lookout for the behavior in me.
I've also realized I'm a "passive aggressive egomaniac" LOL. I won't tell you how great I am, I'll just steer the conversation, etc. gently this way and that until you draw your own conclusion as to my greatness. It doesn't work very well on anyone over 10 years old... LOL.
I've always said, it will take a very special person to love me. Not because of my greatness but because I'm such a pain in the ass. Someone who can be very up front with me, and understands my behavior in this manner isn't about them, but about me. I actually think my first wife fell in love with the egomaniac... and grew increasingly intolerant, as well as confused as more of the real me emerged as I worked my program. What I'm looking for now is someone who will love the real me, and understand this selfish behavior for what it is, and know that it's my work to deal with it... and that I will never be 100% "cured".
