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I have been having a problem letting go of something that I found out over the weekend. My husband and I have been back together for a few months after months of seperation. While we were seperated I went out a few times with my girlfriends. It wasn't like I was going out to try and meet someone. I was honest with my husband when he ask me if I was going out. I wasn't going to lie to him about it and I knew that I hadn't done anything wrong. Well this was a mistake because he has thrown this in my face on several occasions. But here's the deal. While he is throwing this in my face continuously he is telling me how he didn't go out, I could ask anyone he says. He just sat at the house. He made it sound like I was out "whoring around" while he sat home and was being a good little boy. He had no idea that one of his friends, while drunk, was going to tell me the truth. When I confronted him later that evening he admitted that he had indead gone out but that he hadn't done anything wrong. Well I had already suspected he had gone out as well. In fact I admittingly used it as an excuse for my going out saying why should I stay home because I'm sure he's not. I am having a problem getting over this because he went out of his way to try and make me look bad and the whole time he was doing the same thing. It makes me wonder what else he has lied about.
Hi Julie - I had a similar, but different situation. When my AH got back from rehab I didn't know what to do with all of my emotions (I was not in Al Anon) so I kept running to my BF and spilling all the details of what was going on in my house. My AH relapsed 5 days after he got back and kept trying to blame me as a result of my actions. Every time we had an argument (for over a year) he brought it up. I finally brought the issue here asking for ESH. Here is what I received:
You have already explained what happened, you do not have to do it again. He is using this as ammo because he knows you will engage. The next time he brings it up, simply say, "I have already explained that and I will not talk about it any longer, it is time to move on."
I did that with my AH and miraculously he has never brought it up again. I hope the same holds true for you! Good luck...BBsteps
My perception of stuff like this is that alcoholics have low self esteem, guilt etc. and grasp at straws to find fault in other people. If they can find something to blame others for, it takes the focus off of them and supposedly makes them "not such a bad person" after all....cuz look what YOU did"!!!
It's best to not engage in these go nowhere conversations. You have nothing to defend and did no wrong. You've ended up fighting over something that never existed. It'll never go anywhere.
Alcoholics lie. All of them. Anything to protect their disease. Personally, I would just refuse to pay this any attention. If I was accused of something I didn't do..my attitude would be "whatever you want to think, dude"! As I said, whether he knows it or not, he's not really accusing you..the point is to make himself look or feel better. Don't get sucked in to the craziness.
Blind him with butt and walk away, you'll never be right in his eyes!! Try to be satisfied that you know the truth and quit trying to fight with a disease.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Alcoholics and addicts lie..... sometimes to cover up other lies, sometimes to hide from the truth themselves... the reasons really aren't that relevant... Him using that story about you, while having done similar things himself, is kinda "par for the course", in addictive relationships...
Reading your post, brought the line "what you think of me is none of my business" to mind.... As long as YOU are okay with you, your behaviors, that you did nothing wrong - try not to worry about what he thinks about it, or others.....
Just my two cents...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The manipulation and the lies are symptoms of the disease, in my opinion. I stopped expecting the truth. I knew he couldn't do it. He was drinking and so caught up with the disease, it totally controlled him. For me, I had to leave. I came to realise this was not a real loving relationship. I came to the point where I knew I had a right to more, to be treated better.
I made the right decision for me, even though it broke my heart.
You don't say whether your husband is drinking or not. I don't know if he's following a recovery programme. If he's not it will be difficult for him to be honest and trustworthy...while he is still under the control of the disease.
I know you are tyring to follow your programme though and maybe you would be best to spend your energy on looking after yourself.
You are and were entitled to a social life whether in a relationship with him or not. You know you were doing no wrong.
I've learned to expect nothing...even honesty...from theA. That way there is no disappointment.
Julie, What he is doing is turning his behavior around onto you. It's a game they play, it somehow helps to relieve their guilt. Think of him as the cartoon guy with the devil and angel on his shoulder. Except alcoholics have no angel, but 2 devils. They both whisper to him "Yeah, but she did........" whatever. Then he will say it "you did....." That is one of the ways the disease keeps you in it's grip as well, by making you feel guilty and wrong when you have done nothing wrong. Don't let him get away with it. If you did nothing wrong, you know it. The last time my A tried this stupid game on me, it totally backfired. I went out for dinner with a firend, to a bar & grill, and another friend showed up so we decided to go ahead and have a pitcher. As we were walking out, my cell rang, my H demanding to know where I was. I said we are just walking out of the place, and he called me a liar and said he was just driving by. So i told him to honk so I could see him, as I was standing right out front of the place. He was at home, of course, the entire time, so he made some lame excuse and hung up. The silly games. If I were you, I wouldn't even worry about it.
Thank you all for your responses. All of you are right. I just need to let it go and chalk it up to being typical alcoholic behavior. I know that alcoholics have very low self-esteem and try to divert the focus away from them. It just angered me, not that he went out, but that he lied about it and made me out to be the bad person because he was the angel that sat at home weekend after weekend grieving his wife.
Alcoholics lie Julie Lynn. I wish I had a dollar for every lie my A ever told me. But we must pick our battles carefully, and this one is not worthy of argument. Use your energy in a positive way, and try not to worry about what he thinks. DOn't defend yourself!! Once you are put on the defensive and respond to it, you lose.
Take good care, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
