The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK this may sound dumb but it has been bugging me. We have this cute little dog. It is my first dog. I read alot about the dogs and started teaching her tricks; sit, down, roll over, beg, shake, pray (she puts her little nose between he paws), dance (she hops on her hind legs in a circle), fetch, speak, how to take a treat carefully, and right now I'm teaching her to put a paw on a treat without eating it until I say so. OK, I spend alot of time alone with the dog. So one of my kid's friend's mom comes over, and my daughter's showing her all the tricks. The mom is like "WOW! How did you teach her that?" and before I could say anything, my AH says "She was already doing most of those when we got her". UMMMM...what? Everyone in the house knows very well about training the dog. It takes alot of patience and persistence. And by the way, we got the dog when she was nine weeks old!! She was peeing on the floor and chewing up the furnature then. I started to tell her anyway, but he just interuppted me and I felt like it wasn't that big of a deal so I let it go. Basically it bugs me because it has happened before- people like the way I painted the house, or the clothes the kids are wearing, and he'll just cut me out of it. Why? Is this some sort of verbal abuse? I'm not sure this is an alanon related issue, it's just bugging me. Thanks! Jamie
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
that is just witness to the intolerable behavior. it is related -- A's are notorious for doing/saying anything they can to tarnish that "angelic" behavior of yours (a shrink may tell you it is because he's trying to level the playing field), but it just makes us feel... bad. all the credit you need can come from HP and your own satisfaction. of course, putting up with "jerk" behavior is on your side of the street.... letting go is good, but that does not mean you don't have to address it. A's are notorious for the me me me me me behavior, and the constant put downs they lash out with can really get to us.
what i found that i can't do is: stuff it down inside and just take it. never again. i address it either in the now, or if that is not a good time (for me), i will wait till later. since it bothered you enough to write the post, i urge you to address it with your AH in a calm setting. you don't have to cry, or tolerate him dismissing it as nothing... if it were me, i might use:
"i worked very hard to train the dog. it took lots of time and energy, and what you told so-n-so really hurt my feelings. you don't have to acknowledge my work, if that is your choice, but please do not belittle the work i do accomplish. please, think about what i just said and get back to me"
of course, there is always the change the locks on the door method, too. : )
with love cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Of course it's bugging you, and of course it is alanon related.
Maybe he is belittling you as a form of abuse, maybe he just can't stand to let anyone else get any positive attention (less for him) maybe he just can't remember (entirely possible - I am constantly amazed at what my A just doesn't remember, but with the combination of being half in the bag most of the time, and not really paying any attention to anything outside himself, it's true)
Seems to me your choices are let it go, or address it. If you can truly let it go, without it rankling, then that could be a way to go, but if it all you would be doing is stuffing it and letting it hurt, then addressing is necessary. You can let him know he hurt you. If you are afraid to even raise the issue, then that tells you something right there, doesn't it?
I think I would have totally ignored him and went on to tell how you trained the dog.. Not saying anything is real close to enabling him..which means he'll continue to do the same thing to you.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
(Jamie) Hate that your accomplishments were discounted. So let me say congratulations on training the puppy - that is hard work - Pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Even if your A doesn't verbally acknowledge it - YOU know who did the hard work - You & the Puppy deserve a round of applause.
If this is a recurring thing, that your A discounts your achievements in public, it maybe an issue that you might want to try to discuss with him. Of course, there is a good possibility that his behavior may not change, but then you can at least know that you have voiced your feelings about it.
Hope you have a great day, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I'm afraid to "raise the issue" right now because he seems very antagonized by everything I say. It is pathetic, I feel like I can't talk to him at all. Before- I braided both my daughters hair and put flowers in. Someone complimented them and my AH says "you should see the way my sister did her kids hair, she's a natural, she can do it in seconds without a hair out of place". The person sort of smiled and left. I asked him later why he said that, he played dumb, which he often does when I try to confront him about things like this. It could be interpreted as simple conversations, and I end up seeming hypersensitive. Even though I'm not going to bring the dog thing up now, I'll be ready for next time. The problem is there are so many "next times" I'm afraid he's going to look at me funny and I will yell "THAT"S IT I CAN"T TAKE IT!!!" and hit the highway. But I don't want to leave the kids or the dog. Hey, someone tell me how to hold family together. Just kidding Sort of Jamie
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 19:15, 2007-02-26
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
First your dog is very fortunate to have you!!! It is so much fun teaching them things. Mine usually teach me things and I become their slave.. haha
ok now if you can, lighten up is another way of neutralizing.
oh you must be right, a nine week old puppy would come already trained.. I wish, anyway and go on and say what you wanted to.
Oh yes his sister does do braids cool. I really like messing with my kids hair.
I know it is sorta passive aggressive. but sometimes it helps.
Believe me, we can only change ourselves. Talking to him is moot. He knows what he is doing, or the disease does, it does no good to analize an A, ever. We cannot rationalize insanity.
It really does not matter. The thing is how can we make it so WE are not uncomfortable. Ignore his comments. Take a breath if you have to and remind yourself inside, it is a disease talking, who cares what it says.
If we don't give it energy, it cannot feed off us.
And you can always just say, oh yea you must be right then go on with whatever it was. The disease cannot ruin anything for you unless you allow it.
He will get tired of looking stupid believe me. It is NO reflection on you, plus you are not being mean to him.
Or pick up the nearest heavy object and hit him over the head with it. hahahaha I am kidding. much love honey, debilyn
Yes the comment about the dog bothered you, so how do you feel better about the situation?
Something like this...."Sweetheart (or whatever) I really need to speak with you when you have about 10 minutes, would right now be a good time or can we schedule a time later on this evening?"
Then when you have 10 minutes of his time you address the concern.
"I need to tell you that when you said that the dog came already trained that really hurt my feelings because I have spent many hours with the dog training him/her."
That's all you need to say seriously, it's a form of self-love, you take care of yourself and it doesn't matter if he apologizes or not, you don't need to "stuff it", because your right, the longer you stuff things, the more explosive you will become. It doesn't matter that it happened last week or a few weeks ago, you still have the right to give yourself acknowledgement of your feelings. And why wait for something else to happen, this bothered you enough to bring it up to topic, so it's very appropriate to address it to him. Take care.
This program can save your life and your sanity, but no guarantee to save your marriage.
Try spending a few months just letting yourself feel what you are feeling, not trying to fit your feelings into any agenda - save my marriage, keep the family together, get this freeloader out of here - whatever you have been trying to fit your feelings into. Just feel them, and listen to what they are telling you. You may find that much of your frustration is that you are working as hard as you can in order to get something you don't really want.
