The material presented
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to exchange
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.....but somedays?..................to the moon A (that's not Alice), to the moon!!!! I am quiet tonight, it drives him crazy but I know if I tell him what is wrong it will start the attitude and arguing. I JUST want to stay quiet so leave me alone Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease. But if I say that ....see above. He, by himself drank one quart (i think, the big bottle......less then the 1/2 gallon tho) of whiskey last evening while camping in his beloved cabin.....BY HIMSELF!!!! That is what is wrong. I see it getting worse becasue he knows at this point he is an alcoholic (problem drinker he says) BUT ONLY BECAUSE the stress in his life. blahblahblah. His world is getting even smaller now. I do believe it is just a matter of time before A) he hits rock bottom and wil ask for help or B) he kills himself literally because he can not bare the thought of anyone knowing he is not the tough, I can do it all, I will help anybody.....type of guy. Hopefully he will come to me. I am all he feels comfortable with. We do love eachother very, very much.I have watched the progression for 6 years and have tried to help but almost putting myself and my life in jepordy i backed off and now try so hard to just live my life and love him still. I do. He is so wonderful when sober which, I finally realized, is why I stay. I was dead against living like this and staying and watching him kill himself but here I am. Still so very frustrated and stressed much of the time when home. I have tried to make his life a bit less stressful and even tho I go, sometimes, to Alanon and know better, I realize it is just enabling. But it is such a fine line!!! I come home, he has had his 4-6 beers and pint of whiskey and is bitchin' and complaining about everyone "not doing their job" or "what an asshole Jim is because...." or "I ahve done so much for everyone else and just get shit back...." Now here is the problem 99% of the time or I should say 6 out of 7 nights per week (most weeks). If I sit and listen and nod or ask questions regarding these matters......IS THAT NOT ENABLING??? Because I am there and he knows I will listen. and I listen becuase if I don't....well, folks, you know what that means right? It starts a night of him having absolutely no clue or perspective on why I will not listen. In other words a miserable, stressful evening because he does not get it...Without the whiskey lifee is ok. He has seen that but his body won't allow it for more then a day. I am his little world. It is funny, ironic, very sad.... that to a few that are still close (we have lost many, many friends and family to this) he tells them that I am his world, They think "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww, that is so wonderful, so much love......" Helllllllllllllooooooooooooo, of coarse I am his world, I am it for him! Except for our animals.....no kids just furballs and hounds.......and hooves, alot of those. Anyhoo, I just felt like venting. Thank you. I do need to do this more often, the pups wanted a night off
I identify completely with the long hours of listening to him sitting on the pity pot, bitching and moaning. I also know what you mean - if you say "I don't want to listen to any more of this", it just starts a whole new complaint, against you this time. Here are some things that I find work - I will listen for a while, until it starts to rile me. Then, I find something else to do, and just go do it. "Well, gym closes in an hour, better go now if I want to get a workout in" "It's time for my pottery (or whatever) class" "I'm gong to take a shower" "That dog needs a walk" "I promised my dad I'd phone him tonight" "I'd better clean that litter box" things which will keep him from following you and keeping talking.
As long as you let him, he will make it all about him, all the time. If you want your own life in there somewhere, you need to grab it - if you wait for him to give it to you, you will wait forever.
This was a hard lesson for me to learn. My mother used to sit and moan for hours when I was a kid, and it was my job to listen to her. I wasn't allowed to say anything, I wasn't allowed to leave. When I married a man who did the same thing, I hated it, but it felt so familiar somehow, that I knew no way to fight against it. I would try to talk some reason and sense through his usually paranoid fantasies, but he didn't want reason and sense, he wanted to drone on for hours about how hard done by he was. The only way I found to fight against it was to be so busy living my life that I was not available to sit and listen as he went on and on.
Gees, Will get the font size correct sometime! Sorry to those, like me, who could barely read my original post! Thanks lin for your post. It does help and gives a wake-up call!
I can totally relate to what you're saying. My husband comes home most days and does nothing but complain about his co-workers and how stupid they are and how they make his life harder and blah blah blah. I know exactly what you are saying about not wanting to say anything to him for fear of a fight. I don't say anything either for the same reason. I don't know so much about whether that is enabling or not. I am able to tune my husband out most times with the occasional uh huh so that it appears that I am listening.
lin0606 made some great suggestions. If you can't tune him out making up some excuse as to why you can't stay and listen is a good idea.
