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Sometimes I want to crawl into a shell and never get out. My A and I are working on our relationship/marriage and at times I feel very torn, like I am caught in the middle and I have to choose, but feel I shouldn't have to choose. A few weeks ago my A and I were in our counseling session and I found out there that my A is not moving back home in March as planned because my daughter who is home right now going to school is here and he does not want to have confertation with her.
We are a blendid family. I have 3 kids from previous marriage and he as 2. His kids are 21 and 18 and mine are 19, 17, and 16. We have been together for almost 12 years. Because we raised each other's children I thought he accepted my kids. When I heard that he was not ready to move back home b/c of my daughter I felt crushed. My kids are good kids, They are not into drugs, or booze. They are normal kids that like to push their parents buttons at times when they are asked to do something but they don't do it. My A's children have had problems with drugs and booze. WE almost lost his son 2 years ago from alcohol poisioning. My step daughter blacks out almost everytime she drinks. My kids feel that my husband does not accept them either so things are very tense at home when he comes over. I can see my kids trying their best to get along with him but he seems to push them away. I have spoken to my kids and let them know that he does have a disease and it has not been very long since he has stopped drinking so whatever is going on in his head it's his problem and they have nothing to do with it. My kids have a hard time with that. They think they are to blame. My daughter is finished school on March 10 and she was going to stay here until the end of April but has changed her mind and is going back up North for the rest of her training on March 13. She assures me it's not b/c of him. I want to accept that but I feel she's leaving sooner b/c in her mind she thinks if she's gone things will be better between my A and myself. I want my daughter to stay as long as she wants. I know I can't force her to stay but it's still hurts just the same.
About my other family members and a few friends that I do have, they to have nothing more to do with me since my A and I got back together in August. I told them all that we are trying and that we are both in programs and counselling and things have gotten a tiny bit better. I let them all know that it's going to take time and to please have some patience with me. I am not asking my family and friends to like him but I don't want them all to shut me out because of him. It's very frustrating. I am trying to figure this all out. I am going to regular f2f meeting every week. I belong to an abused woman group that I go once a week. My counseling sessions are 2 times a month sometimes 3. So I know the help is there. My A and I are due to see our counselor tomorrow and we have to each pick a topic. My topic is going to be acceptance. Not sure on how to start with that and I am a little eary on the outcome. But I am hoping that after the session I will have my answers.
Thanks for letting me vent. I hope it all makes sense. I'm just a little confused and needed to get it out.
Your friends and family have probably seen you suffer over the yrs from your partners behaviours. Therefore, they are going to be protective of you, but that doesn't mean you have to do what they think is right.
I know it's not easy, and I'm sure there are lots of people here right now who have or had this dilema.
The person we are hardest on at times is ourselves, don't even allow the A to be in 1st place.
It might be time here for you to stop thinking about what everybody else wants, and think about what YOU want. There are no little bables here, everybody is an adult or almost, and you can demand a bit of grown up behaviour. So, if you want to have your daughter with you, you tell your A, "Sorry you feel that way, I'll be glad to see you when you are ready to come". If it is your A you really want living with you, you tell your daughter "Sorry you feel that way...." It's not up to you to make them play nice. And, if you find yourself constantly in the middle, making excuses to others for his actions and behaviours, then you might want to sit down and think about what that means.
Your kids will always be in and out of your life. Good kids or not, any man who wants to share a life with you needs to accept that. In the same way, your grown up children need to accept and find a way to get along with a man you chose to spend your life with. To my mind, your part of this is to state "I expect everyone in my house to behave civilly" and leave them to work out the details of their relationship themselves. They don't have to love each other, they do have to behave themselves.
If most of the bad behaviour is or has been on his part, and the people who love you are wary of him and don't trust him, well, that is a consequence of his behaviour. It is up to him to establish that he can be trusted, and earn the trust of these people. It is not up to YOU, to talk them around. If he can't face up to this, and accept his part in it, then the chances of any real change on his part are very small. If you are taking the hits for him, and protecting him from the consequences of his actions, then you are not helping him - he will never get better if he never has to pay any of his own costs.
So, I'd say, stay out of it. Tell everybody they need to work it out among themselves, and take yourself to the movies
I have told them all that I will not be put in the middle and that I WON'T make excuses for anyone involved. I am staying out of it. I have told them all that if they got issues about whoever than go to them. They just get it Thanks for the encouragement and I really like the movie idea.
I think our friends and families get frustrated and they have every right to be. They see one person screwing up an entire family. They tend to turn away from the A in the household. Totally understandable. Your friends probably feel caught in the middle because one minute your with him, the next your not.......they no longer know what to say. They may need to back out for a bit to let you figure out what your doing. Your not exactly on stable ground right now. I'm a firm believer that our children come first no matter what. I agree with telling your A that when he's ready to be an adult that you will be there when he's ready to come home. I'm sure your friends will all be there once your in a stable emotional frame of mind and your life is calm. Good luck and God Bless
