The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my non-drinking Ah has been gone a week. I took our 2 year old son away to visit my family this weekend. Ah came back to the house to take care of our dog, after I had sent an email asking if he would.
My son and I had to come back early tonight due to a forecasted storm that could leave us stranded.
I called Ah and told him we'd be back earlier than expected, figuring he'd go back to where he's been staying, with his daughter. Instead, he envisioned staying the night, seeing our son who he's not inquired about since he left, and then do something as a family tomorrow. ????????!@#@ After some discussion (discussion = me lecturing) including me being aprehensive that this could be more confusing for our son, he decided that he'd leave before we arrived back home, but was very angered that I was trying to keep him from his son, I was a terrible person, etc.
I called Ah on the phone after I got home. Of course this was after dealing with our 2 year old arriving home, begging for his Daddy, saying he missed Daddy, etc. Which filled me with self doubt about my decision. My response was as it always is "daddy loves you. I miss daddy too. he's staying at (sisters) house."
My step daughter with whom Ah is staying, said that my Ah has explained our 'situation' as me needing some time to myself to figure out what I want in life.
On the phone, I told my Ah I didn't have all the right answers. I was trying to plow through life the best way I could, doing the right thing. I told him I was really unhappy with who I had become in response to his addictions. That I had a lot of work to do on myself. I've done many things for which I am not proud of. I told him that I did not know what was best for our son at this time, but that Daddy all of a sudden being home, when we got home, didn't feel right. He then told me that my biggest problem is that I don't accept responsibility for my role in things. That I don't think that I've done anything wrong. That I am not a nice person....to him. That I've done many things wrong that I need to look at and admit.
I bit.
I began ranting, "I just F*****ng said that. What the hell do you mean I don't admit it. I just SAID exactly what you are saying I can't admit." and I added, " [sigh] it is for this reason, what is happening RIGHT NOW, that we can't live together."
He said he'd call our son tomorrow (on the persuasion and advice of my step-daughter).
I said "okay".
and now, here I am, feeling that too familiar feeling of self-disappointment, fear, anxiety, sadness, .... trying to let it go and know that HP will help me through this one day, and help me to come to the right decision for my son seeing his Dad. Does it matter that Ah hasn't inquired in 5 days about our son, and then under the persuasion of his grown daughter, he decides he'd like to see him? Maybe not...I'll have to pray for the right answer on that. Also the strength to seperate my issues with my Ah and my son's right to have a relationship with his Daddy.
Small comfort, I know, but - you do the right thing, you take responsibility for your actions, you keep your own side of the street clean, you make amends - not for him, but for you. You don't need him acknowledging that you are a good person, in order to BE a good person. His sickness means he will always manipulate and distort the situation so that he feels that he looks good - this has nothing to do with you. (Yeah, I know, easy for me to say....)
Keep plowing towards the truth, and it becomes easier to recognize. Keep plowing towards the next right thing, and it becomes easier to see. You are only human, you don't have to be perfect and do it right every time. Just keep moving more or less in the right direction, and it will work out OK.
I am going through something similar, although I think you are farther down the road then I am. I don't know how I will balance separating myself from my A b/f and allowing him access to our daughter. It is a moot issue now, with him in jail, but I worry about it non the less.
I think you are doing a great job on setting boundaries. I completely understand the doubt, when the A starts the guilt trips and manipulation. You are doing great keeping the focus on you and especially your son. My daughter cries for her daddy too. It is nothing less than heart breaking. I too think you made the right decision in insisting that he not be there when you return. Things are confusing enough...our children need at least one parent to put their well being first. (If you have read my posts, I know, I know, I need to take my own advice and encouragement!) Stay strong...keeping the focus on you and your son.
My ex (A) has said the exact same thing to me! "told me that my biggest problem is that I don't accept responsibility for my role in things. That I don't think that I've done anything wrong. That I am not a nice person....to him. That I've done many things wrong that I need to look at and admit." It also made my blood boil, I fell for that one too. I think really it's about them shifting the blame, so long as there is someone in their radius they can downplay or deny their behaviour. I think it shows either defensiveness, denial or that they are not listening if they ask us to own up to our actions after we just did. I also told my A that my feelings about his behaviour when he drank were turning me into a monster, someone that I'm not, and not proud of. What I think they'd love us to say is that we are mistaken, they don't have a problem with alcohol, it's just us. We are just neurotic and critical.
My A and I aren't married, so I separated from him and got a parenting order to make it legal that I have day-to-day care of our son and he gets him on the weekends. This way he and I don't have to ever discuss when he gets to see our son. We don't even have to see each other. Is this something that you might consider? Unfortunately regardless of the relationship with one's partner, your child has a right to a relationship with their other parent. I just try to be the best I can be when my son is with me and hope that one day he will make his own mind up about how he feels about his father.
I also told my A that my feelings about his behaviour when he drank were turning me into a monster, someone that I'm not, and not proud of.
Just a reality check. You cannot turn into a 'monster' unless you allow yourself to do so, no one else's actions or lack of action can turn you into something you don't want to be. Hence we have al-anon to work on ourselves and yes that means taking responsibility for our own inappropriate behavior, regardless about what the other person did.
Uh.. if you read closely this whole post is about the A's not hearing that we *are* acknowledging what we have become. It *is* owning our behaviour, not blaming it on them.
Yes, I did say "I told my A that **my** feelings about his behaviour when he drank were turning me into a monster, someone that I'm not, and not proud of." In other words I was doing things I was not proud of, I choose to react in an unproductive way.
I think that is also what Rora was saying and I was only relating to her, how she said "I told him I was really unhappy with who I had become in response to his addictions."
But, thank you for the "reality check" : I'm not proud. I think that's pretty real, okay.
Mama nz, I hope that you can find the peace that you are looking for. I mention a reality check because I have been there before, blaming my re-actions on other's actions.
Sometimes words sound harsh when typed, rather than spoken, so I hope that you know that all I say is in a loving manner.
Your husband's are looking for you to take your own part, not to excuse it.
I have just found the love of my life, he is kind, supportive, loving, accepting. I had to dump my rude, abusive, insensitive husband for my new one. How did I do it? No, I didn't switch husbands, I changed my own behavior, set loving boundaries, not baracades and apologized when I was wrong. It was very dificult to do, but I am a different person today than I was when I first started this program. I hope to continue to grow and find more miracles. And I can only wish that you can get the same thing.
