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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Any feedback on this is appreciated. My hope is to either read this to him or mail it to him. He is currently in jail.
Dear T, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I know this is a bad time, but this is something I need to tell you. We have been threw quite a bit (I realize now from the very beginning of our relationship). I can't continue this way. I don't think you have done a very good job of taking care of me or putting my best interest first. What is worse is I don't trust myself to take care of myself while I am with you. I don't want to be in an intimate relationship with you, I don't want to live with you and I don't want you to have access to the house unless I am there. I still love you and want you to get your life together. I realize now that you are the only person who can do that. I have to take care of myself now and our daughter. I hope that even if you don't understand my position, knowing what we have been through, you will respect my decision.
Take Care of Yourself, L
I make no promises that I will be able to say or mail this, but I do know it is what I should do at this point. My fear is that the guilt will consume me. Thanks for reading and if you have any feedback or suggestions, I would appreciate it, even if it is hard for me to read. THANKS!
Well, he called. I told him I had been thinking about us and that I didn't feel comfortable being intimate with him and that I didn't think we should live together. He got mad. Couldn't believe that I would do this to him since he is so close to getting out. Told me I knew this from the start and that I should have said something when he got arrested. He asked me to give him another chance and I had his word that if it wasn't working out for me that if I asked him to leave I would.
I hate this. The last time this happened and he wasn't in jail he bought me a diamond ring and proposed. I kept it (in the box) for about a week, but ended up telling him to give it back and get the money back so we could pay some bills.
Well..You asked, so I'll tellyou what it would say/change if I wrote it ..
I would change "I can't continue this way" to "I won't" (won't sounds more like you've made a firm decision)
"I don't think you have done a very good job of taking care of me"...that one is iffy IMO. He can barely take care of himself, and it's really your job t take of you.
"What is worse is I don't trust myself to take care of myself while I am with you". again, to me this doesn't sound very firm. It sounds like you could be swayed to change your mind not concrete in what you have to say.
Take what you like..or not..lol
take care Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks, Christy, you are right. It doesn't sound firm and I wasn't very firm on the phone with him. On one side it feels so sad to end it and on the other I feel very strongly that I can't continue this way. Honestly, I think I am still waiting to hear some sort of validation from him about the messes he has caused himself and as a result me. I know it is my fault for allowing it to affect me to the degree that it has. I guess I still haven't detached myself from him....
Well I am guessing you won't send the letter now. May I give you this bit of help? I learned it and I have found it so helpful in EVERY relationship.
Instead of using the word YOU, try something else. Then it does not put them on the defensive immediately.
I choose to live alone and not have any intimate relationships. I am finding at this point in my life, I take better care of myself when I am living alone.
No one is to be in my home unless I invite them or ok it.
I, of course, hope for the best for people to take care of themselves, and grow in any manner they choose. I do have feelings for you, but choose to go out on my own. I have great faith that you will be ok in whatever you choose to do.
It is not easy, ever, to tell someone this kind of thing. The disease will kick into high gear now and try to manipulate you. It is up to you to decide if you are going to allow a disease which has no concionce, no love, no apathy, empathy or sympathy to control you.
When he is using, clean in the morn or not, he is being controlled by a disease. He still is in jail, believe me. He will say ANYTHING now.
Hon I had been in alanon for like 6 years and mine got me. Sent me love letters, called and spoke like he used to. I would go to see him very leery. But I let my guard down. He did not call me when he got out???? I put up posters, called all over, went to shelters, he had convinced me that well he wanted to get back into AA etc.
I finally found him at this old slut womans apt. His words to me were, "what are you doing here?"
Tore me up horribly. Was good though, becuz I finally was convinced after 36 years of loving him, the disease had him by the balls and no mattter what he was NEVER coming back. And even more important I absolutely do not want him.
We can know things all we want, but until we "believe" it to the pits of our gut, we will still smoke, drive too fast, eat bad food, take the A back, etc.
hugs Leetle, glad you are still here!! love,debilyn
I have given my ex (A) so many second chances since moving out on my own, that I can't even count them. A counsellor once told me that it is common for them to 'step things up' when they feel that you are getting any control back in your life or if you start to distance yourself. They might get violent, or they might say or do anything to get you back. Well it did happen like that to me.
You know in your gut, in your heart what is true. If you don't think he will change, and he hasn't yet, he probably won't. It is sad, I still get sad about it, especially since there are children involved. But then I think when they ask for another chance, when they ask you to love them it's like they want you to feel sorry for them. And I ask everyone here: do they ever feel sorry for us?? Do they ever respond to our pleas for love and acknowledgement? Are they meeting *us* half way? They feel they deserve our full attention everytime *and* they get it. For once I'd like to see the roles reversed and have them wondering where *we* are after we disappear for a week, for them to dress up to their best and cook a great dinner just to have us not show up until the food is cold and then just laugh it off. Be selfish like them. It's okay.
It's okay to be selfish if being selfish means looking after you and your children first. You said "I think I am still waiting to hear some sort of validation from him about the messes he has caused himself and as a result me"
You might never get that, so you don't need him to validate what you already know to be true. At the same time I would say don't beat yourself up about it if you feel sad or guilty about telling him, or even if you let him come back. Maybe you are not ready, or convinced yet of whether he will change or not. But I will say that backsliding is horrible, because you have to start all over again, to be disappointed again, break up again, feel sad again. I read in a very good book about something called a 'he-tox': it means you have absolutely NO contact for 60 days (2 months), and during that time you just look after yourself. If you feel like talking to him or feel sad then write it in journal. And after that cleansing period if you still feel like being with him then at least you have some clarity. If he really wants to be with you too then he'll still be there. And if you break the he-tox then you have to start again (which sucks).
Thanks everyone for your responses. I can feel your love and support. You are so right, Debilyn, I know everything (have known it for a long time now) but need to start to believe it. Also, I love the he-tox solution, mama_nz! I'm on such a rollercoaster right now. I have never had this much trouble ascerting myself with someone.
