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Had a revelation about myself this morning I thought I would share.Might help someone else.
It's this whole 'codependency' thing.I know that word is thrown around alot and some people think it does not even exist.Here's the Miriam Webster definition.......
Main Entry: co·de·pen·den·cy : a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly: dependence on the needs of or control by another
For me,it seems this 'condition' is based on fear.Fear of what might happen if I don't do something.Fear has pretty much ruled my life.As a child I lived in fear of my alcohlic father hurting my mother.He would come home drunk and my mom would hide from him.I am next to the youngest of 7.We all participated in hiding her.Naturally this only angered him and when he did get to her he would usually hit her.I have blocked those incidents but I have been told that he hit her.All of my siblings turned out to be alcoholics so I have lived my life with all the drama and crises.
Anyway...I am not sure when or how but somehow I decided if I could just control everything and everyone around me...if I could just be there and try to stop things from happening...all would be well.Somehow I decided that this was in my power to do and also that if I didn't do it,no one would.There's the fear that the worst would happen and then the hypervigilance to keep it from happening.I think this has led to an arrogance,an air of superiority in myself.I think I am always right,I know best...if people would just listen to ME their lives would be better and they would be happy.Oh,the fear is still there.That is what is behind the arrogance.
Example.....my AH (sober),whom I still live with even tho the marriage is over(because we are still getting the house ready to sell)...decided he was going to buy something that he could turn around and sell online.We have separate money but he pays half the bills.Right away I put down the whole idea.It's a rip-off,you will lose money...blah,blah,blah.It turned into a huge argument.I was right and he was wrong.This is just one example but I do this all the time.I am afraid he will lose money and not be able to pay his half of the bills.I guess this would be a legitimate concern if he were spending the money at a casino or a bar.But he is trying to make extra money.He believes he can.Who am I to say he can't??I didn't even get all the facts before I decided it wouldn't work.
I find myself trying to be too safe.I take no chances,no risks.I want him to do the same.Well, as a A,it's just not in his make up to not take risks.Right? Don't they live on the edge all the time? That's how I see it anyway.He is tired of me making him feel stupid and inferior.He already has no self esteem.I don't think I would like living with someone who always thought I was wrong and they were right.This has caused many arguments for us.
The fact is I really do not have high self esteem either.This appearance of arrogance and self righteousness is nothing but a cover for the fear I feel.I don't REALLY think that I know any better than anyone else how to live.It's just an attempt to prevent a catastrophe.
So here is where humility comes in.I must face the fact that I cannot prevent every catastrophe.I cannot look ahead in my crystal ball and see what will happen and stop it before it does.I have no such power.In fact I am probably missing out on alot by being safe all the time.I must accept,humbly, that I cannot control people places things and let it all go.
That is where the faith comes in.I must accept not only that I do not have the power to stop bad things from happening but that God does and will take care of that for me.Actually some of the worst things that have happened in my life have been learning and growing experiences for me.What would we learn from constant pleasure and bliss?How can you appreciate the good if you never have any bad?
Why did I stay 37 years in a bad marriage to an alcoholic? Why does anyone stay? Because we can't leave...something awful might happen........we have to be there to prevent that.If I had kids I would fear what would happen to them when he has them.Better that I stay and deal with the misery so I can prevent that.But then what am I doing to them living that way?Whatever happens either way,I can deal with it and God will take care of me.
MAYBE NOTHING AWFUL WILL HAPPEN.
I was the 'good' girl in the family.I didn't drink,go to bars,sleep around.Didn't smoke,cuss or do drugs.I guess subconciously I thought if I fall apart,who would take care of everything?I set myself up to be the one who could always be counted on,the one who was sober,sane,clean,nice,good,always there in times of need.Put my own needs last.Same with my marriage.I micro managed my husband right out of the marriage.he can't take it anymore.I,however am leaving claw marks.MY marriage could not fail.I couldn't let it go.Sure it was bad..maybe we were wrong for eachother from the beginning.But I was going to make it work if it killed me.( or him).What will happen to him without me to make decisions and take care of everything? Something awful will happen I just know it.And then it will be ME who has to deal with it and clean up the mess,pick up the pieces.
Well,he's a grown man.He has a right to make his own mistakes and he can deal with the consequences.I don't have to unless I choose to.
So,to me,codependency is a fear based condition that comes about from living with people addicted to something.It's an exagerrated sense of importance,a belief that the people around me are out of control and that it is up to me to stop bad things from happening.It's trying to do God's job.I have to let it go.This has been my part in the insanity,at least some of it.
First the fear...then humility...(I can't really do this)...then faith...He will take care of it.
You may be right about codependency being fear based. You made a lot of good points about it. I can certainly relate to the "fear of the unknown". Even as a child I was a worrier. Not sure why. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home, but my father was very verbally abusive to my mother and us kids. He was emotionally not available unless he chose to be. My mother was overbearing and protective. Our needs, his needs all came first before hers. She adored my father and he stomped her down so much she just couldn't live with it any longer. I do believe those dynamics set the stage for me. Codependency was just waiting to surface in my life. I know now that I attracted my A. We attracted each other. He was fine when I'd give and give and give, but I just can't do that anymore, not if I want to have a life too. Healing from Codependency while living in an A marriage is a tough one. If I were still single my guess is this recovery would progress much quicker, but I'm not willing to let the marriage go. I can relate so well to feeling like I just can't let this fail, but then it takes two to tango. So, I have to let go and allow the A the room to live too. I'm getting better at the micromanaging stuff, but when it comes to money its a tough one.
I do believe I can heal from this, my drive to allow people to live a free life, make their own choices, make their own mistakes, and grow from it pushes me. That is how I wish someone to allow me to live, I don't want to rob someone of their right of freedom to choose and learn. Thank you for sharing this with us, I needed to focus on that for a while today.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
wow. and yes. very well put. like twinmom, the codependent traits were passed down through the generations in my family. your points are all conditions i employed dealing with my Awife. FEAR of the next catastrophe. FEAR of bad choices. FEAR of life getting harder because of her deciding that it's a good day to crack a beer.
pathological... that is a very meaningful word. with drinking comes lying, comes manipulating, comes self-centeredness, me me me me me me. i think also, pathological can describe the reality my wife lives in. a pathological state of denial, victimhood, self-loathing and all around state of being without direction, hope, spirituality, etc.
understanding OURSELVES and the CONDITIONS we live with/in, is a first step into the miracle. EMPLOYING the tools to better ourselves, to remove those defects in us, to live happy and proud... that's were we have to get to. it is hard. the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i have to do it for me, i'm worth it. happiness is worth it.
for me, it has taken all my pride, my self-worth, and my spirit -- it led me to my PATH TO RECOVERY. i think recovery isn't quite the word. it led me to my PATH of ENLIGHTENMENT. i sit here typing to you, humble at the knowledge i've received from my family (all of you and my f2f brothers and sisters). i've been humiliated by my HP... it took that much to learn this life lesson. i am approaching step 4 with dread, i WILL be humiliated, again.
yet, if i do not, and do what is easy, i will fail. I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME IN THIS LIFE TO FAIL A LESSON BECAUSE OF FEAR. i need it. it is mine. i own it. i will begin and continue and finish. and may have to do it, again... and again. HP is guiding me - no longer in the garage up on the shelf.
brothers and sisters, FEAR IS NO MATCH FOR COURAGE. HP has taught me that if I ignore the knowledge I have, I am doing disservice to all, especially HP and myself.
dru - keep love in your heart, you are a good woman. to me, love gives me courage. i love you and wish you bright bright blessings for your life re-energized.
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Much of your post sounds familiar to me also. I learned very early on that the only one I could depend on is ME. Perhaps explaining my sense of arrogance and superiority, for which I dislike myself for. I often think to myself, 'why do I always think everyone else is stupid when they don't think, do or say things the way I would?' Sounds arrogant...and it is...but it is also painful to me. I don't want to be burdened with these thoughts and it's not just a simple switch to turn them off. I think I have made some progress in this area, but I am not where I want to be on that yet.
And this too, has led me to micromanaging my Ah's life. His clothes, his diet, his relationships, his perspectives... everything. If he did something that wasn't to my "code", I couldn't get beyond my disagreement/distaste/resentment for not doing it my way. It would eat at me. Make me judge him as a bad person, stupid, and any other host of insults that struck me at the time. Of course at the same time, Ah was always too willing to wash his hands of any responsibility or accountability. What a pair we made.
I too have fear that if I am not the ever so organized, responsible, intelligent wife, mother, employee, sister, daughter etc. what could happen to the world? I hold a very "authoratative" sort of role at work, which doesn't help.
An awareness towards detachment is part of my current journey. From my Ah, but also from my fear, my perfectionism and my superiority complex!!
Thanks for the post, it's making many of us think!!!
Wow, great post. My manifestation of control is to smile and say everything is JUST FINE. I don't need anything, I've already got it taken care of, no I'm just fine, my head fell off and I lost it but I'M FINE and don't you forget it.
. . . While I am dying inside, asking for help with the most trivial things brings on panic and avoidance, and I am so lonely I don't even feel REAL. Yeah, I'm doing great! And I found my head, buried in the sand, BTW :D .
My A is kicked out . . . he was the extravert for the both of us, and this control thing I have is being directly challenged by living in a tiny, very remote town on a mountain under a couple feet of snow. Pushing through the control crap is a matter of well being, for me. . . to call a neighbor and ask for a jump 'cause my car is dead, borrow a propane heater 'cause the well is frozen AGAIN . . . it always works out fine and I feel great after, but I struggle a lot with just picking up the phone. Just writing it down helps me see how sick it is.
Hi, I just finished reading your post and you sound alot like myself. I have spent my entire life living in fear and had'nt even realized it. I have always been a worrier and felt that i could be the one person to break the cycle in my family. As of right now family has been one huge disapointment after another. Now that i am married and have a family of my own I find it easier to just distance myself from all of their chaos. I think this has put a strain on my relationship with them. I still see them on the holidays but it is bittersweet. I always try to get them to come to my home for the holidays, so i am in control of the enivorment,the food, where to smoke, where to drink. I try to keep the holidays as kid friendly as i possibly can for all the children. however, if left up to my family our holiday gatherings would resemble some dirty bar always ending in some bar room brawl. Furthermore, whenever someone in my family is trying to quit drinking or doing drugs the heads of my family continue to push and give drugs and drinks to those trying to recover. My husband is beginning to worry that since our children are getting older if people in my family will go behind our backs and supply our kids with alcohol and drugs. I dont know what to do with them or even where to begin to put my foot down. there was a time in my life were i was suffering from depression and started to drink and smoke myself. Once i saw the risks that were involved in my abuses I just stopped. It didnt take me long to quit. I had only done those things for 2 years and it took me just a month to quit. there excuse is that they have been doing this all their lives and can not possibly quit. therefore imposing their problems on the entire family and future generations i find the whole thing selfish!
