The material presented
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I was having lunch with a group from class and we talked about going out for a drink when the class was over. I said that I rarely drank because my husband was an alcoholic. Everyone was kinda quiet, then one asked me if he was the kind of alcoholic that was sober or the kind that was still drinking. I said he was still drinking. People asked how much he drank and how often and I just told them. Someone said that he needs to choose between drinking and his family. I told them he already has. They looked at me like I was some sort of hopeless idiot (I think at least). Why did I blurt that out? I don't even really know theese people, we have been in a class together for a couple of weeks, nobody really knows anything personal about anybody. I feel like a great big dum dum and I wish I didn't say anything AND I feel really crappy about talking about my A like that. PLUS it put my position into someone else's perspective and that is always potentially painful. I just feel like crying.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
with all the emotions running through you, of which "going out for a drink" probably triggered, stop being so hard on yourself. i agree that people you've just met probably isn't the group to share with and expect understanding, but reaching out is a PLUS!
how about you address this in a meeting?
love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Well, how's this for a different take on the same situation.... From where I sit, you are progressing in YOUR recovery. You didn't say it to be hurtful, you spoke the truth. Talking about it, sharing with others, is all a part of OUR healing. In time, you will likely find people and places where it may be "safer" to discuss, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with what you did or said.... All good growth on your part!!
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
This has happened to me also.....and it is always when the subject of going for a drink comes up. Afterward I always think, "Why didn't I just say I was busy or something??" Because then forever after, with that person or group of people, you constantly get the "How are things at home?", accompanied by the look of "You poor stupid girl..." Not to mention the "Why do you stay? You could do so much better!" Because they don't know the fun, interesting person he was when I met him, and is when he isn't drinking....Now he is just an A in there eyes. So I know what you mean too when you say you feel crappy talking about him like that. I don't think I do it to make people sorry for me......I think I do it because I am genuinely angry that I dont feel I CAN go out and have a drink with friends, and that is the first thing that comes to me when they ask.......It still never ends up being a good thing to do, though. It would be so nice if I could say " Sure, that would be fun! I'm in! " But I just feel that would be a slap in the face to him, or hypocritical, or something.
hey he has a disease. You would probably say something if he had cancer. Also when people are brave enough to be real, it invites others to be also.
I like to be around let your hair down real people. NO phony my life is all perfect crap.
My life is life, dirty, messy, full of happy and sadness. LIfe.
I am proud of you. give yourself a hug for me. I talk about my A all the time. everyone knows how much i have loved him all my life. I am not embarrased to say he is very ill and no longer him.
I miss him horribly. always will.
anyway hugs hon, you hold your head up and be you. love,debilyn who is so real, caught herself wearing her orange garden shoes, maroon sweats, purple t shirt, and a flannel shirt all those colors and more... gads....."I" should be the embarrassed one. haha
Here's another take on the situation...maybe you telling the truth about your situation will help someone else who may be in the same situation and who is hurting by thinking that no one would understand. I know that I have felt that way, and to hear someone say something relating to their situation with an A or addict has helped me to feel not so embarrassed and alone. I think you did what you thought was right at that exact moment. Hindsight is sure clearer than the moment sometimes, and I know I've reprimanded myself a time or two (or three...or eight....lol) for thinking I spoke up when I should have kept quiet!
I agree with canadianguy that growth may be occuring with you and your take on things with your A for you to just let it out without being ashamed.
Um yes, I too have been in a similar situation. I think we need a foot in the mouth smiley!
Keep your head up. It's not the end of the world, just try to keep 'program' discussions with 'program' people. I learned the hard way, I would start telling strangers that I was in 12 step groups yadda yadda. Then I realized I was blowing my own annonymity! (sp?) Anyway it's easy to forget that not all people are in program. But just the fact that you are aware that it was an inappropriate subject for the 'girls' is a big step!!
Someone once told me that we as sick as our secrets.
So why try and make things secret that don't need to be. You were open and honest. That's a good way to live your life.
A lot of people have never had to live with alcoholism and may not know a lot about it and how it effects the A and everyone around it. They make make throwaway comments that are hurtful. These comments show their lack of understanding really. How quick they are to judge.
I see great growth in your post, and I am proud of you. Hold your head high. I know you are a caring and sensitive person, and so do the people in your life. Your life is your life and you are doing the best you can.
We are all just human. I wonder how they would cope if they had to live your life!
It's true that it is not so easy or helpful to talk about this with others, as they don't really know how to respond.
Still, I agree this is more a sign of hope than otherwise - it's not your secret, you don't need to keep it. Have you ever heard the expression "Tell the truth and shame the devil"? You spoke your truth - good for you. Maybe not the most appropriate place, but so what?
Try not to feel so bad about it, I certainly think it is progress, as no one is supposed to talk about these things or just brush things under the carpet all the time, which can be very depressing. If it comes up again with the group just explain if you want that it wasn't intentional and you might not want to refer to it all the time, just in case people think it is a licence to pry, it is not. You do have the right to be honest with yourself and those around you at any given time. I certainly do not think you are stupid and many will identify with you, who are keeping a lot of things hidden.
Jamie, I don't see anything wrong with your honesty with this group of friends, and I too think it is progress. I think it shows that you have learned that it is not your secret, not your shame.
It is true that many people do not understand why we stay because they don't see the person we fell in love with. I once described this as what it must feel like to be waiting for a loved one to wake up from a coma...... you know the person you love is still in there, you're just waiting for them to come back.
Anyway, even though it may have created an awkward moment, I think it was okay. Who knows, you may have just given another a safe person to turn to, and when the time is right, your HP may reveal to you why you "put your foot in your mouth."
You know, I did the same thing...same setting, etc and felt just like you. I was pretty unemotional, matter of fact, honest and then totally embarassed that I made people uncomfortable. But you know what, many of those in the group, singly came to me after, to tell me about the a in their lives and they felt safe talking, sharing, crying. So while I was feeling (and probably there was some of that being felt or said...) about the poor stupid woman that would put up with that....I found that it opened a door for some..if not many of those folks to begin to take steps in their own acknowledgement and recovery. Yeah, it is not something that I would recommend but I am not going to be ashamed either. I am not the a....the a is my addiction and I need to work on that...the guilt and the shame keep us engaged in their disease way too long. Thank you all for all your wonderful sharing that makes our shared journey less lonely!
Thanks everybody (((hugs))) I guess I was a little emotional about it, the truth is that I am a very honest person and tend to expect the same from everybody else. I say what's on my mind, then often replay incidents and become self consciounse (I can never spell that word). Today a few people (from the same group)revealed some personal issues and I am glad that they felt they could trust me. CJ recommended I take it to a meeting, I am both happy and sorry to say that I am working during the only meeting time that I have found. Even so, I thought I could go to the meeting and say "my husband did this, then he said that" but in reality his anonymity is also to be respected, and I have a hard time knowing what is OK to share and what is too much. Generally people speak with very vague vocabulary and often not about the A at all, which is great and everything, but sometimes I just need to get the details out. Thanks everyone, I did a little cry last night but now am feeling alot better. I also cried when I read the posts, I guess I am just geting sappy in my middle age ;) Sinerely Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
just a small point about the meetings - different meetings do it differently, and if you are really saying something out of line, someone may gently nudge you . However, what I have found is that we are all at different stages of our recovery - someone dealing with a long-sober spouse A, or a long dead father A, will have a diffeent take on alanon than someone living with active drinking. This is natural, and normal. My feeling is - say what you feel you need to say, and don't worry about it too much. Try to keep the focus on you and your reactions, actions, etc, rather than a retelling of what he is doing. For instance, when my husband was going through his sexual acting out, soon after he stopped drinking, what I would say at meetings is "My husband is behaving really badly right now, and I find that I am feeling (or doing) blah blah..." and go on from there.
Well Jamie, I certainly don't think you did anything 'wrong'. I know for me when I have had a discussion with non-program women and I have said too much I usually get looks like these...
Then I feel more isolated and alone, which of course doesn't feel good. So for me that is why Al-anon has been my saving grace. I can go talk to a group of people, (some I know very well and some are strangers) and I can speak openly and freely about what is going on with ME and that is PRICELESS. And sometimes they even nod at what I'm saying, hey that's pretty cool. Maybe I'm not soooo crazy afterall.
I do this to myself constantly. I need to talk to people so bad that I just come out and tell it all sometimes. None of my friends understand, they prob all think I'm nuts... feel like everyone looks down on me :( I keep saying I'm not going to say anymore, then I do.... <ugh> Hugs!!!!
