The material presented
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In living with an A and trying to have a full harmonious life it can sure cause the boundary lines to get fuzzy. My boundary lines have gotten criss-crossed. So I'm going back to the drawing board and re-teaching myself what a boundary is. What is my property line and what is my AH's. (So to speak). Those burdens that we have as people are not the daily loads that we are suppose to carry each day, but are the crisis that arise. Those "excess burdens" are difficult to manage on our own and that is when its o.k. to call for help. I think I have been carrying the A's excess burdens of A'ism, anger, depression, irresponsibility, low finances, help me do this that and the other thing. These things are not my burdens or my daily load to carry, they're his!! I guess I just needed to get a basic idea for myself, what is my load to bear and what isn't. I believe I own my life, but I don't own the lives of those that are close to me. The lines get crossed especially when the manipulation, guilt, shame, and anger start coming out of the AH. Like its my burden to put myself out to deal with his problems. The fear that sets in causes such anxiety and nervousness when I know I have to defend a boundary or enforce one. Example was last night. My AH's eye glasses frames broke. He's been wanting to get to the eye doctor to get a script for contact lenses for a while. He had 1400.00 of income tax money, if it was that much of a priority he could have taken 200 of that money and gotten them, but he chose to buy a guitar bass, that he sold and lost 400.00 on. I got the 300.00 that was left to supplement income. So now, the desperation of wanting contacts is back in full force. He expects me to use what's left of my income tax money to pay for it. Instead of my usual dialogue about you should have saved your money, blah, blah, blah. I just said I need some time to process this information. An hour later I said, well if that's important I'm o.k. with you going to eye doctor at this store. A. We have no balance on this card and B. its a low monthly payment that you can pay off in full once work picks up.
Know what.... he said well, I guess I'm not going to get anything done tonight, so could you go to the store to get some crazy glue so I can glue the frame together? I did... all was fine. His eyesight is not my "daily load", so he can call the department store optical and schedule his own appointment. Small things like that that I just take over and do for him, when he's completely capable of doing it, would take off another thing to my list of stuff that is not mine to do. Just sharing a little success there. Thank HP that he is showing me how to uncross the boundary lines. If I say I refuse to live in oppression of my AH's disease and mental health issues, then I need to define my boundaries and learn to be o.k. with enforce them, and defending them with diligence.
Hope everyone has a blessed and peaceful day.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am extremely bad with setting, let alone keeping boundaries with my A b/f, so I can relate to your post. Great idea to take a step back and refocus on what is your responsibilities and those of your husband and/or others. I know out of frustration I have given in and taken care of whatever expense was the current issue, so great job!! I am impressed with your ability to give yourself the space you needed to stand your ground. Maybe next time, he can go to the store and get his own glue. Progress not perfection...I have to keep telling myself that.
Good for you. I step in far too much for the A. Ironically the A also broke his glasses recently. These days I would not even consider stepping in. I have my own glasses I need and my own dental work. Nevertheless the A finds ways to get money out of me whenever he can.
Some days I get fed up to the back teeth with the manipulation. Other days I am happy I get to have and keep boundaries. I would like to have a real partner rather than a liability.
I have been taking my own inventory lately regarding this exact subject. I realized that my AH is not necessarily manipulating me, he is just doing things the way they have always been done in our household. For instance, when we got married, I took on the housework and administrative duties of the household. I was a stay at home mom, I felt like it was an okay trade off. Well, when I went back to work we never really discussed a change in that arrangement. As the workload increased I became overwhelmed and resentful. All the while, I was learning to handle issues (taxes, bills, etc.) while my AH wasn't. Now, we have set some new boundaries in the house and reallocated chores. He is struggling because he has never had to take care of these things, I always did it. For a long time I would watch him and be irritated that he wasn't doing as good of a job as I would do. I had to step back and realize that he needs time to grow and change and the best thing I can do for him is to allow that to happen naturally without any critisizm. It is not always easy to stay out of it, I slip a lot and always regret that he immediatly feels disrespected and belittled. But, slowly he is progressing and so am I. Hope any of this helps. Take what you can/want, and leave the rest!
Look how great you have been doing lately when faced with the challenges that arise when dealing with your A when he doesn't always "act" in the most healthiest ways!! You are really taking those huge steps toward taking care of yourself, detaching from his issues, and setting those boundaries for yourself.
That is awesome!! Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for taking care of YOU!!!!
Hope you have a blessed weekend, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
