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I've heard a few times, that if your A is sober, then it's okay to leave the kid (s) with him, so I could get to a meeting and have ME time, etc.
Yesterday, after working all day, I called on the way home from work to see how my non-drinking AH was and my 2 year old son. There was no answer. Called back. No answer. On my 20 minute drive home, I found myself fantasizing about maybe AH took my son to the Library as we've talked about before, or to the park, or maybe to see Gramma. Well isn't that nice.....
When I got home, I found our dog outside shivering from what I assume is being left outside for hours. My little darling 2 year old greets me at the door saying, "Mommy phone's ringing. Daddy is so sleeping". My AH was sound asleep in our bedroom for god knows how long, while our 2 year old was up and about, watching tv, playing toys, unsupervised for god knows how long. It took my 3 yells, to wake AH. I thought he might be dead. He wasnt.
So, that set me off. The anger. The resentment. The fear. I accused him of using again, explaining the "passing out" and being unable to be woke. Although eventually he did admit that it was not okay or a good thing to have our son wandering about on his own while he slept, he says it was a mistake. Just a mistake, nothing behind that. His sleep was not brought on by anything, just being tired. It was just a mistake. I said in a healthy strong good marriage, where I have the confidence and security that my husband is a good father who behaves in a way that is conscientious of everyone in the family's needs etc. maybe I could swallow this as a mistake. Maybe then we could brainstorm ideas to prevent this from happening again. Maybe we could chalk it up to an experience.... But for us, in this family...this is another example of his irresponsibility and unreliability. So much could have happened to my son. Then what? But like as AH says, it didn't.
I made arrangements to put our son in fulltime daycare, so that he is no longer alone with my AH the two days a week, like he would be normally.
AH and I had a terrible night. I had a terrible night. I was mean and loud and angry and probing and insulting.... I lost it. I threw him out. Told him just what I thought of him and his problem...
And this morning...nothing feels better at all. AH is still here. I don't think he will be for long. Maybe he'll move out while I'm at work and our son is at daycare.
I too thought that there was some benefit to a non-drinking AH, where at least he could be trusted to care for our son... evidently that's not really the case. And as always, that translates into me left holding the bag.
I'm sorry that happened, in your case day care is wise while you work.. People can only use their best instincts as to whether their A is capable or not. Going to bed with a 2 yr old in the house really doesn't have much to do wth being sober IMO, but more to do with common sense and safety. Many spouses with sober A's are able to attend meetings and leave the children at home for 90 min., understanding that recovery goes both ways.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
This same situation happened to me, except that I was so in shock I couldn't react. I left my daughter with her father one day, when her daycare was closed and I had to work (we were short handed). He came in late and was drunk. That morning I told him I wasn't going to work because I didn't feel good about him taking care of our daughter. He insisted that he was fine. In other situations, I have seen him get up with very little sleep and hung over to do things with the two of us, that were pre-planned, so I guessed that would be the same that day and went off to work. I worried all day. When I called he answered, but said that she was asleep at weird times. He was making her lunch at 3pm, when she normally eats it around 11:30 and takes a nap at 3. Anyway, when she was awake she sounded fine on the phone to me. Well I got home and it appeared that he had her play in our bedroom on the bed all day with the tv on. I walked into the living room and saw that she had smeared her poop across the front window and blinds. I screamed what is this????, not realizing what it was at first. He got right up, realized what it was and cleaned it up. I realized then, that I would never feel comfortable leaving her with him again. I have had very little respect for him and that is just one more example of why. (Sorry if that story is too graphic.)
Another fear of mine...when I get the nerve to kick my A out, how am I going to cope with him wanting to see her unsupervised?.
Anyway, this is all to say that you are not alone. I think you had every right to be outraged. Take care of yourself and your son.
I couldn't even leave my kids w/my AH while I took a shower w/out him being asleep when I got out. That is pretty sad. And he wonders why I never leave our 4 year old daughter w/him while I run out. My 13 year old can fend for himself but not our daughter. Unless I feel extremely comfortable w/his mood and temperment, I just don't leave her there. It is too easy for him to get frustrated and over react and it is all too common for him to sit in front of the tv and be asleep in a matter of minutes. You have to trust your gut.
I am new here and glad I found this board. I have the same problem with my husband, I have come home several times and he has been passed out...I no longer leave her alone with him...it is so sad. He acts like it is not a problem.
This could be a classic case of expectations not being met. Just remember that just because you expect a certain behavior from your spouse, does not mean that they are going to act accordingly. People have their limitations, and so do you. It's important to learn what your's are, and what his are as well. Maybe he was extremely exhausted, but knew that you needed a break and wanted you to enjoy your meeting, so he said that he would watch your child even though he was not physically capable.
As far as the "what could have happened" You were not in control, you were powerless over the situation.
Sounds like you re-acted. Maybe you said or did some things that were not that of a loving, compassionate wife, then it's also OK to apologize. You can also discuss what happened without the anger and resentments, how you really want to work on your relationship, how you felt to come home to a setting like you discribed, yadda, yadda, you can keep your side of the street clean, even if the other side is a mess.
I've found that there is a turning point in relationships were we stop giving away our power, and we stop being angry all the time, you will feel more 'serene' with yourself even if you have to let go of the relationship. When the attorney I talked to said told me "Don't make any desisions when you're angry" I thought he was joking! LOL
I appreciate the input from you all and I will consider some as I plow thru this experience.
My non-drinking AH has moved out today as expected. In with his 22 year old daughter (who has some struggles of her own) and her 1 year old son.
I had to live today in today. Today, him being gone is feeling right. Things are too messed up to try and be together.
I find myself wavering... maybe it's all me. Maybe it's MY label that he's an A. Maybe he's not at all, but I have driven him to A behaviour. Maybe being a step-daughter of an A has made me make my AH into an A. How do I know I am right?
Maybe he is so messed up because he has a crazy wife!!
All questions that I will one day find answers to ... One day at a time.
I have been living apart from my A, the father of my son for a year now. He has our 20 month old son alone with him on weekends. It tears me up. It's the reason I come to this message board. I have caught him several times so drunk he's swaying, or drinking in the middle of the day, when our son's there. Or I have called and our son is taking naps at different times, or spends all day in my ex's bedroom watching DVDs or TV. They rarely go out, ex just lies on the couch. My lawyer says you can't legal force a parent to 'be there' or be a good parent. And legally they are allowed to drink in their own home and in the presence of their child. It's only if they get caught drunk driving or something serious happens that you can do something. I get especially hurt and frustrated when like today for example my son was really grizzly and difficult, having tantrums for no apparent reason and waking up several times in the night screaming. My ex makes comments like 'he (our son) sleeps through the night here and never has tantrums. He *never* does that when he's with me.' Ooh I just wanted to scream to high heaven. So unhelpful and frustrating. I think the reason he thinks our son sleeps through the night at his place is because my ex just sleeps through it. He can sleep through the phone ringing too, as you described. That has also been a constant frustration for me. I worry and if I call to check up and there's no answer I freak out. Other times he has put our son on the phone and I can hear son crying and I don't hear my ex anywhere around. Then the phone cuts out. Whenever I call ex to talk to him about our son he thinks it's because I want to get back together with him. He says he wants to change, but says he can understand why I'd want to walk away, and that he acknowledges he may never change. I feel very short-changed by him, but I have to let go of that resentment, because I'm the only one holding it, he (the A) has no idea beyond anything other than himself so why bother working myself up over it.
The last time I left my AH alone with the kids all day was in October of 2005. He PROMISED he wouldn't drink while I was out. There was no booze in the house, and he had his car, so he couldn't fit all three of them in to drive anywhere. His choice: he left them alone - at 6, 4 and 2 - and went to buy beer. The older two missed him and went to a neighbor's house looking for him - he found them there because the neighbor wasn't home. The kids told me about it later that night and of course, he was mad that I found out. Not that he did it - that I found out about it. I personally don't care what the courts say - hell will freeze over before I agree to unsupervised visitation. Of course, the fact that he is in rehab, has no car, no place to live and no job should pretty much rule that out.
Yes, this is a scenario that I can identify with, and very trying for you, you need to take care of you, I can understand your anger, and your worries because two is a very vulnerable age, though I have fallen asleep myself and woken up to the consequences, red nail varnish on a bathroom unit that never came out, thinking of you,
