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my ex ah has been trying to start with me since valentines day when he tried to kiss me and i turned my head. i have been trying to be divorced since last march. i have an idiot for a lawyer who always has an excuse as to why things haven't progressed. meanwhile i have this crazy,although sober, husband thinking that i am the one delaying the divorce. he has been thinking that there still might be a chance between us. today he finally got to me. he called me on my cell and asked me where we stand. i am still scared of him so my reaction was out of fear and lots and lots of stress and resentments. i didn't handle it very well. but he sounded exactly like he always did and it really triggered something in me. so, i came home (to MY house where he was with the kids) and took them with me to run the rest of my errands. he was pissed. how dare i seperate him from the kids...etc....i basically told him he is in or headed into a manic phase and or a relapse and how dare HE question my feelings. i wanted to really go off on him but i knew that that would also give him hope for us. we both have heard over and over that aruging is another form of intimacy for dysfunctional people that can't truly be intimate. whatever. he strached the surface of my feelings and i hate him for it. for many other reasons too. the worst of it is the kids. they are confused i am sure. he has been here non-stop. putting them to bed, making dinner, bathing them and just hanging out. today he is gone and i know it is my "fault". they wouldn't dream of blaming me....yet....they are young. it was my decision. he would have stayed and i would have been simmering all night and muttering to myself and being in fear of him snapping. the kids are what brought me back every other time. not this time. i hope. i want to be strong and be happy. i really don't like dealing with my feelings. and i am sick of dealing with him.
i really don't like dealing with my feelings. and i am sick of dealing with him.
Maye I'm worng, but I'm picking up a real feeling that you are conflicted about your feelings about him. It might be that you'll HAVE to deal with these feelings - drag 'em out into the light and really examine them, in order to move on. Have you got a sponsor or someone who you can talk this out in depth with? Sometimes that's the only way.
As for your actions - it is not your job to make sure he feels happy and comfortable at all times. Nobody is doing that for you. Sometimes, yes, we need to just suck it up and be the grownup for the kids' sake, but you have needs too, and they need to be met now and then.
Your post gives me hope that I will be able to disentangle myself from my A. It is a hard set of circumstances, and you handled the situation really well from my perspective. Take care of yourself and one day at a time, the progress you wish for will come!
I remember being where you are standing now and feeling and doing the very same stuff all confused, angry, defensive, afraid and trying to make up her mind while I was trying to make up my own. And she was not in recovery...she was still in deep denial about her addiction and acting as if she could just not understand why I was so crazy about the whole thing. Slogan; Don't react!! My first reactions were the very same ones you have mentioned here and a few more. God the whole thing owned me!! Next; get to as many face to face Al-Anon meetings as I could get to in 90 days and review my situation after being around alot of recovering people with their experiences, strengths and hopes. Work the steps, get a sponsor, keep working the steps with a sponsor and after a period of time recoverying your strength bring the situation in front of yourself again. As far as your alcoholic coming around when you don't want him there and after mutual agreement go get a temporary restaining order for a period of time so that you can get a breath of fresh air. You don't need a lawyer to do that. If your lawyer is working? fire him/her and go get some one else or do it yourself. (((((hugs))))) (just suggestions....no advise)
Since u are divorcing your husb I believe u ahve a right to decide when he can and cannot come into your home . Having him there every nite must make it difficult to get on with your life. Letting go is tough and I know what kind of struggle u must be having with in yourself but you have rights too. You say u are afraid of him - living in fear will take its toll on you and the kids. Do what is right for you and the kids . It's time. Louise
This was said to me, "he doesn't have to be a part of your life to be a part of your children's lives." Yes you'll always have to interact with each other, but putting a stop to the fantasy of "it's like it was" or could be like it was is up to you.
It may be helpful at times for you to have him there. It may be wonderful for your girls. It could be a convenience thing. It could be a feeling that he "should" be helping....could be a lot of things. For me I had to make a choice, every time I allowed the fantasy to start up I'd get this overwhelming feeling like I wanted him to disappear......like I couldn't handle being around him so much, he was wigging out my program just being there. I had a major problem with waffling back and forth. What did I want, what was I expressing to others. Were my actions and my words matching up? Not really.
For me so much of it boiled down to choices and fear. I had to get really honest with myself and what I was doing. When I finally did that, it was easier to let go. It was easier to accept what had really gone on in the relationship -- no glossing over anyone's part. It helped me -- I was able to say Why have I been holding on? and it then became okay to let go.
Please take what you like and leave the rest. (((((lots of hugs to you)))))
