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New here and so many questions and worries. My husband admitted to being an alcoholic (with no provacation on my part) three weeks ago and has been going to AA meetings ever since. He hasn't drank as far as I'm aware and I truly believe he did this for himself, not for me or our children. This is the hopeful part.
I have been reading as much as I can when I get free time about al-anon, and have questions about detachment. My biggest question (really, it's an issue) is why stay if you NEED to practice detachment? Wouldn't you be just as well off being alone than pretending they don't exist or going about life without them a part of it? Really, what is the point of detaching yourself from someone you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with? I guess I'm coming to the conclusion that you either practice detachment to keep things somewhat bearable, or you leave in order to be truly happy.
My husband was never abusive - just unmotivated and irritable. We had twins 9 months ago and I went back to work full time when they were 4 months old, he did not. He hasn't worked for more than a year at time the 13 years we've been together. I worked always, paid 90% of the bills and took care of the house. Now, with the babies, I take 95% of that responsibility as well.
The thing that is so frustrating for me now is that he's sober, he's even more self-absorbed and moody than when he was drinking. I can't rely on him for anything just as much or even moreso than before because he's always at meetings. I know this is to be expected, but honestly, I have a lot of resentment toward him for the past which is hard to let go of, especially when there is no visible change in motivation. Even if over time, there is no change, I guess I'm just sad to realize that he's not the one for me because he'll never be normal.
I'm just soooo tired of being the one to plow through life and work through issues while he has taken a back seat. I fear it will not get better even now that he's not drinking. Maybe it is just his personality type and not necessarily totally the alcohol's fault.
I'm starting to see a therapist this week during work hours, and am having a hard time finding an al-anon meeting that works because of my work schedule and babies. I don't have anyone to watch them during the evenings and can't rely on my husband. He gives me an attitude when I even try and go to the grocery store.
I'm just tired, sad and grieving the fact that I thought he was the love of my life and we could work through anything. He cheated on me a few months before I got pregnant. He took full responsiblity, never blaming me, but it scarred me something good. We did work through it and for about a year, our relationship was stronger than ever. Once the babies turned 4 months old, everything started sliding down hill again. I have always known he had a problem with alcohol and had tried many times to talk about it with him. This time, he came to me and it was a first.
While on one hand I'm grateful and happy he's stopped being in denial and is doing something about it, on the other, I'm depressed and even more lonely and resentful than before.
While I don't have any great words of wisdom at this point in my Alanon journey, just know that you are not alone. I am in a similar situation, trying to understand the point of loving detachment, while plowing through life without being able to rely on a partner.
I understand being tied down by little ones too and not having the help nearby.
Hello thumper , I hope u are going to meetings for yourself Al-Anon that is ,now that he is sober he can be trusted to stay with children while u too recovery from the affects of the drinking . Detachment is confusing but we also add detach with love , it dosent mean u pretend thier not there , we just try to now allow thier behavior to affect our lives like it used to . We don't do for them what they should be doing for themselves. We don't accept unexceptalbe behavior knowing tht regardless of what we do or say we are not the reason they drank, and its not our job to keep them sober. You need support from people who understand you and can help u thru sobriety , it is not the answer to all of our problems as your finding out . Anger and resentment rear their head as we see them bouncing off to meetings , getting happy and making new friends , u need to make new friends yourself , get your life back on track . He is sober and that is a big deal , you need a place to talk your resentments out in saftey and al anon members will listen . good luck please find meetings for yourself . Reading the literature is great but not enough , this board is great but not enough , ( jsut my opinion ) We have a awsome book called the Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage it is wonderful ful lof good suggestions on communication and sobriey . there is also an excelent book on Living with Sobriety small red book . full of stories in early sobriey ,a gain u will see your not alone . Louise
You might try declaring (firmly) that X night is YOUR night for recovery and state it as a fact. He certainly isn't the only one that needs recovery. He is sober and if you feel he is capable of watching your twins then I'd go for it.
So often we do EVERYTHING because we think they just aren't capable. Many times they are and are still living the way WE have taught them to live and treating us the way WE have allowed them to treat us. Sure, he needs his meetings, but there is another part to sobriety too and that's stepping up to "life" in general.
Take care Chrisy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
If he is gong to AA, he is hearing a lot about taking responsibility for his own actions. He is starting to learn how not to be a jerk. You may find, six months down the road, that there is something good in the marriage after all. Or, you may find that it's really not worth it.
I'd say a good place to start making some changes is to slowly take control of your life. He is controlling you right now by being miserable when you do something he doesn't want (This is familiar to me, oh boy) But, if you do everything he wants just the way he wants it, is he wonderful? I bet he isn't. He's probably almost as miserable. So there is really no payoff for you to doing what he wants. You may as well suit yourself.
TELL him you are going to alanon "Is Monday or Wednesday better for you to watch the kids?" And while you're at it, why not tell him you are taking two hours for yourself every Saturday afternoon, to have lunch with a friend or get your hair done or whatever. He doesn't have to like it, he just has to do it.
Thank you for the very sound advice. Many of your points were spot on. I will make the time, if nothing else, to see if al-anon is right for me. I am tired of waiting for him to engage in our life. I guess I have to figure that I need to do the things that will make ME happy, and if he can't eventually get involved in our life together, then the marriage is not worth saving, and I will continue to be miserable if I stay in it. It is a sad thought, but really, what is worse?
hi thumper welcome, i hope you find the support,shared experiences and hope you need here. "take what you like and leave the rest" is what they say and i have found sooo much that has been helpful for me here. i have two small kids and cannot make it to meetings easily...i read literature, post here and go to a therapist. i know meetings are supposed to be the best, but this place has saved my sanity many times.
my alchoholicladdict boyfriend has been sober 2.5 months now and it is as hard as when he was drinking in many ways...we are both out of our denial now and reality is so much deeper/harder than the seesaw of using and then picking up the mess then fake serenity then using again. the old way gave no room for other issues. he is not going to kill himself with drugs or alchohol to day or tomorrow....and for that i am grateful to god. but his moodiness,irritibility,unemployment,depression, readiness to jump down my throat for the smallest reason....makes my day to day life feel unmanagable plenty of times. i also find myself asking...why be with someone you cannot count on? i have decided to be patient and let time show us and heal us and i pray that my hp shows me what i need to know...i trust my inner voice as being similar to a hp and i know i hear it best in peace. so i strive each day to find that peace. i focus on what i need in a moment. what my kids need. and i try and put the resentment away because it boils my blood...i can still say...hey, he did nothing around here today but complain..but i can state it as a fact instead of raging emotionally about it. i try to at least.
i have learned that detachment is a beautiful.peaceful and healthy thing. detaching with love is something i realize i need to strive for in all areas of my life - my friends/coworkers/kids...i know i would want to do it in a healthier relationship...it just seems like a super human feat to do with an A because of the behaviour dynamics we have with each other. they take, we give. it is not leaving them behind, it is letting them walk beside me of their own free will, without me twisting or turning any part of life to get them to be where i want them to be because they are not me, and i can only rightly change my own self.
Hi Thumper: I'm new here too, but not new to Al-Anon. I've read some really great things in the posts-just as it takes a village to raise a child-we also need a village (support group) to hear us-to validate us and to love us unconditionally while we are on this journey through a disease that affects us emotionally, spiritually, and physically (the same as it does the alcoholic). I hate to say this, but when the alcoholic I was married to some 20 years ago got sober, it wasn't long before I wished he'd go back to drinking again. Because early sobriety wasn't easy and he also had untreated depression and I just couldn't keep myself from being sucked into the abyss of depression with him. I didn't have the concept of detachment with love fully integrated into my understanding-plus, it is a different matter to know the concept mentally-it is a long journey-that 12 inches or so down to where it get integrated into the heart. That's very important to understand. Knowing it and acting on it as second nature takes time and practice-just like any other habit or activity. We don't learn to play a piano or crochet well the first few times we try our hand at it. With time, it becomes-just what we do. Today I am so thankful that I had an alcoholic in my life-I would have never found Al-Anon and grown and matured as I have if that had not been the case. I'm quite grateful to that alcoholic. I made the serious mistake of divorcing him before my work with me was far enough along. I've lived many years regretting it because to this day I still love him and by the time I found my heart (I didn't even know it was lost at the time) he was already married to another recovering alcoholic. Now I'm not saying that this will happen to you. No one can advise you. I can only give you my experience, strength and hope. But there does exist the suggestion that you not make any major decisions for at least six months-for the very reasons I stated above. Most Al-Anon openings state that we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it and that without such spiritual help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. I remember having the resentment at him tripping off to the meetings. I could remember all the work and effort I put into making the family look good on the outside and how I worked at it and the fear I felt-sure I was resentful! How human! And now it was all about him and in a way I felt left behind when I'd worked so hard at saving his behind! I didn't want to hear that there could be something wrong with me! Well, there is help and if you go into a meeting that you don't feel comfortable with, try another and another. Not all meetings are healthy, but many are. And you might have to learn to trust your gut to tell you those things. That was one of the hardest things I had to learn was to trust my own truth-our faith in our inner voice gets battered by this disease called alcoholism. So healing that is crucial. Self care is crucial. When you actually arrive at the right answer, all the barriers to success will just automatically come down. I've always called it " the parting of the Red Sea" For instance, when I was meant to have a particular job-everything came easily. If I'm having to stuggle and struggle, then I'm probably outside the will of God-and if I try hard enough, I may get my way, but if it was not God's will for me, I will just have to repeat the lesson over again (the opposite of the parting of the Red Sea) And a definition of insanity is to continue to do things the same way expecting a different result. As I said, I've read a lot of good posts to your dilemma-please try to get to an Al-Anon meeting-it saved my life and my sanity. I am re-married and it took me many tries to get healthy enough to attract a healthy husband, but I did it Life is a wonderful journey. I can't imagine it being that without Al-Anon. I'm a happy woman today. I don't allow that failed marriage to a man I loved affect my happiness today.
Detachment with love is questioned by more newcomers than any other concept in the groups I've attended over the years. Detachment for me many times is saying to myself when I'm having trouble with someone else's behavior, "God, I give this to you, because I simply can't do a thing about it and I don't want to be miserable over it anymore" And sometimes I find myself taking it back and have to repeat the action of putting a thing or a person into the God Box. It is not something I tell the person I'm doing, but it is amazing how things change. I change. I'm the only one I can change anyway, so why not cut to the chase and save the misery? I bless the person and go on about my business. Bless you and your family-my best wishes for you
I've come to the realization that the majority of the time, my emotions were dictated by his emotions any given day. Such a waste of precious time now that I think about it. I'm starting to understand a bit more about detachment and co-dependency in that sense. I'm trying to start each morning now with positive thoughts, and to take account of all the things in my life that I am truly grateful for. That way, I start the day thinking positive. I've realized that the more I started my day thinking negative thoughts or being resentful, a cascade of negative and bad things started in motion and just continued to weigh me down.
Life is too short. My children are so young and full of innocence. I don't want to project negativity around them. I want to be happy and have them see mommy as happy and strong. Not a martyr and full of resentment. My dad was that person all his life and still is - I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.
I have to realize that if he doesn't like who that person is when I start taking care of me, then that is his problem, not mine and we were really not meant to be together in the first place. You can't make everyone love you all the time, especially if they don't love themselves.
Thanks again for all the thoughts. It truly helps to be able to vent here and know I'm not alone.
Hi-it's me again. I've learned that an attitude of gratitude attracts more good than I could have imagined possible. So positive. It really breaks my heart open with joy to hear a person "getting it" the "Ah Ha!" I want to affirm and will be a cheerleader for the attitude of gratitude. I can't say enough about it. And you are not alone. In fact, it is my belief that it would astound us if we were to truly find out how many people live with exactly what we've been talking about here in this stream. Much love to you
I can relate to much of what you write. I am one year into al anon. I go to meetings here. i go to other addicition meetings too around love addicition which for me runs parallel to the codependency stuff.
I can really relate to carrying the burden of so much. I do less of that now. The A has to pay certain bills. I never step in as I used to. If he doesn't pay them he feels the consequences.
My A is sober technically but not in any program. In some way she is more self absorbed than ever. On pot he is silly, humorous and funny and laid back. Without it he is depressed, unmotivated and sullen. I am not advocating for him to use either!
I do understand the sense of futility and epression. I have been a pit of resentment here and I have to work daily on not acquiring resentment. One thing that has really helped is to have a friend who almost fills a sponsor role for me. He is a recovering alcoholic who listens, doesn't judge and encourages. Having one person to go to with my "truth" has been so so helpful. I have always felt trapped in the coulda woulda shoulda stuff.
No one here is going to tell you what you should do or even that you have to "do" anything. That is one of the real joys of this board. There is no judgement here, no sense that anyone has "the" way and the only way to recover. There are many many ways to recover. Some people stay and their A's get sober and get a life that they both enjoy. Other people stay for a while and then leave there is not one certain way of how to leave/stay/whatever.
Detaching has helped me immensely to learn how to manage my process. For me its a slow leaving because of a lot of obstacles in my path. I set goals that I can manage, and achieve them. I look at the obstacles and work on them.
I can only imagine the kind of burden of working, caring for children and taking care of a home. The A I live with does very very little. He is unmotivated at this time of his life. I no longer take it personally. I do grieve and get angry sometimes that he does so very little. At the same time I don't take it as a reflection on me or my life or my worth. I felt it was so so personal to me before and that he had some control over it. The truth is his entire life he's been an addict. No bottom, not losing his job, his health, his self esteem, his money seems to lead him to recovery. Why intersect its all about me. I don't even come close to the picture. He needs to get sober for himself not for me.
I don't do that well on negotiating with the A. I do find when I ask for certain things that if I mean it he usually responds. I make it a request. I listen for his response. I don't make a production of it. I don't ask for very much. I let go when he doesn't necessarily do it. I ask none theless.
Life is a wonderful journey. I can't imagine it being that without Al-Anon. I'm a happy woman today. I don't allow that failed marriage to a man I loved affect my happiness today.