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I'm tired and trying to figure if I have reached a point of letting go or shutting down. I grew up in an alcoholic home and thought I would do a much better job at this parenting stuff. the issue now is my oldest daughter. I know she is drinking and using, not sure to what extend..She has pretty much tuned us out. She is 19 and some odd months and thinks she has every right to do as she wants. She works and goes to a community college, I am yet to see her grades this semester. She usually doesn't come home any more, and says she is staying at her friends house. She has gotten in to some minner trouble but nothing too serious. I did find pills and pot in her room. I also found an empty bottle of pills and her out of it, she had a break up with the boy friend. Point is, I have stoppped getting after her all the time, I lock the door at night if she is here she is, if not she isn't. It sounds uncarring, but it is killing me. I feel like I am emotionally drained, the more I push the farther away she goes. I have been wanting to use myself , being in recovery this is not a good idea, I feel like I should be more there. Once my kids reach a certain age it got harder to hug them and tell them I love them, years of therapy and it still is hard. . So am I letting go or checking out? This has been a long time getting to this point..
I too grew up in an alcoholic home. I don't have children yet,but when I get into that negative thinking I just pray and turn it over to my HP. He knows what is best and it is his will. We are right where we are supposed to be."Letting go and letting God" is hard I know I struggle with that daily,but once you let go of a difficulty the answer will become known to you. Keep coming back:) it works if you work it...remember you are worth it....
Lauren aka ash
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~life is like a box of chocolates you never know whatcha gonna get~
I don't know if this is indifference, I do think that you are being detached. You are respectfully letting her make her choices while at the same time respecting your need for dignity and space--i.e., locking the door at night and realizing she won't honestly tell you if she's high or not. I also think that it's okay that you're a little shocked about the fact that, having grown up in the disease you weren't able to prevent it's recurrance. I feel that alcholism, like any disease, is what it is: we can only do so much before at a certain point fate plays its hand. Whatever your daughter does is, to a very large extent, her responsibility. I would like to see you cut yourself a little slack, continue to come to al anon, and continue to set boudries with her so that you know when you've hit the "enough" point. You're doing a great job realizing that, at a certain point, each of us has our own lives/
i wish i could i had some words of wisdom for you. sometimes it helps to know you are not alone. my daughter got herself into trouble with a guy. when he started to mess around on her, she decided a baby would make it better. NOT !!!!! now i quietly sit and wait for what is next. it is so hard. i can see her life going in a spin, and, sometimes i feel like i am on a downward spiral. words of wisdom........, KEEP COMING BACK !! i really appreciate your post. after years of therapy i sometimes feel as if i will never learn to live with this. like you......., i have been wondering, am i letting go or shutting her [people ]?
last line is supposed to read....., am i letting go or shutting her [people] out? while i am on the subject, just for today, i don't really care which which is which. i am exhausted with the emotional turmoil of her [their] stuff. and, i want to be quiet in myself.
I can understand your feelings as I've had similar feelings about my daughter. I've actually had these what-if thoughts about having this place packed up and moved while she's at school. I don't know if she's taking any kind of drugs. I know she's tried pot. I don't see any real indications of drugs or alcohol but her personality just stinks. Since she started HS she has ran away twice. She wasn't going to school for months & I didn't know because she was forging progress/attendance reports from her counselor. She's failed 9th grade and will probably not get enough credits to get through 10th either.
I get these spells of thinking "what did I do wrong?" "What should I have done differently?" on and on like that. I don't want to feel like a failure but I hate not being able to make her see that she is screwing her life up with the choices that she's making.
I know how easy it is to think thoughts of just writing them off. But the truth is that we would regret the decision forever. If you have experience with alcoholism/addiction then you know how out of control life can get for the user. You can't force her to change but you CAN be there for her if/when she needs help. I don't think that you're giving up, just realizing that it has to be her decision to change. You've come a long way in your own recovery. Give yourself credit for that.
I was told along time ago The more I try to open someones eyes , the more they close their ears. took me awhile to understand that one . Detachment and letting go to me one and the same , i no longer let what thier doing run my life detach with love and allow them to go where they need to go . Indifference is cold and lonely we don't care about anything one way or another I have tried that too . it didn't work either. Your post suggests that you love and care about your daughter and are setting boundaries such as locking the door etc . Please find some meetings for yourself if your not attending already , u need support from people who have been where your at right n ow and u will find them in Al-Anon rooms. good luck Louise
Sounds to me like you are learning to detach. She lives in your house, and there are rules. If she chooses not to follow them, then there are consequences. Being in recovery yourself, it may not be in your best interest to be around her. She's not a kid anymore. If she chooses recovery, great. If not, as heartbreaking as it, that's her choice. I've finally gotten it, that you can't make addicts recover. It's their choice, not ours. (It's not an easy thing to accept.) The same way if we seek recovery it's our choice. I can't make my sister see that her husband still uses. She has every excuse in the book why she won't even think of looking at her own recovery. It kills me, but it's her choice. It doesn't mean that I don't love her. But I can't keep banging my head against the wall. It hurts too much. So what's the point? Gotta focus on me as selfish as that sounds. I can't change her, I can only change me. Congrats on your recovery, by the way. Be proud of yourself.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
thanks all for your replies. Now that I have 3 teenagers I am more forgiving of my mother who drank and took valium every day.. Not as easy as I thought ..but wouldn't trade em. Appreciate all the wisdom. think I might try a f2f al-anon meeting, haven't been in a long time. been to AA, but I could use both..
