The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 24 year old daughter (A) can be described like the literature says, "Higher functioning, treatment resistant, relapse-prone with Axis I & II disorders." If you've got one that responds to the "educational" approach, then you are fortunate. We do not. Entering Year 2 now. She's back in residential treatment, the psychodynamic approach. Learning to be an adult. She doesn't have a bad attitude, she just doesn't know what she doesn't know. They're not sure she's finished drinking yet. They don't know why. She doesn't know why. I don't know why. Nobody knows why. A month ago she called 911 on herself and hit .32 Lovely, almost toxic. Rescue me! The senior A's I've talked with, her previous house managers, were calm and 'at peace' women to me. They told me even at six months, you'll see a sparkle in their eye. Mine hit 5.5 months before relapsing and she never sparkled. Something is wrong in her head, yes.
But those house managers, they're not "great!" they're not "down", they're OK, calm, normal, working it. It's really the only way. All three told me that understanding finally came only after 10, 15, almost 20 years in one case of relapsing, street life, losing everything. My daughter's body won't last that long. I know it and I'm learning to accept it. She may never recover. Yes, I know take care of me. But the sadness and loss of potential, to say nothing of enjoying her presence, nothing takes that away. "Why can't they figure out what's wrong and help her?" asks my wife. Treatment is more art then science. Why do some recover after only one 28 day program? Some recover with outpatient. Some recover but not without first torturing themselves for 10, 15, or even 20 years. And some never recover. And that is tragic and unspeakable, there is just no getting around it. Where will my A fall into? Well, not the first or second group. Maybe the third. Or maybe the last. At 24.
Hi Jeff, Welcome.. I think we all wish we had the answers..but we don't, that's how we ended up here. What it takes is different for eveyone. It's certainly not a cookie cutter disease. For my husband of 19 yrs, it took a brush with death and renal failure. His detox was horrific. Severe shakes and hallucinations that went on for days. Once time appears to be enough for him. He has been sober a year. I spoke to another member here that said her husband went through the same thing five times! I can't imagine. Eventually he lost his battle. We just don't know. It's a very baffling disease without mercy, but not without hope.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Very sad to say your daughter has a horrible disease. That is what makes her not ready to stop. It is not something anyone recovers from. They may go into recovery, working a program that helps them to remain sober and live as normal a life as they can.
Humans are born with genes that predisposition them to being addicts. It is a scientific fact. There are now tests to determine if you are an addict or not, or have less markers than others.
Again no one recovers. I don't know what makes you think people go into a 28 day and are cured. If they are A they are never cured. If they stay on a program of recovery, it takes daily moment to moment hard work.
The taking care of you, is how you take care of her. Educate yourself in Alanon and AA. Take a day at a time with her and enjoy her for who she is, not what she is.
We may think they won't see 30. But sadly they can go on until they are 80 or whatever.
My A has o.d.ed so many times. He has Hep C, he is a mess, but he still is here. genetics play a big part.
There are things that are still not curable, alcoholism, or using is one of them.
I am so sorry you have to go thru this with your loving daughter. The best thing you can do is let go. You cannot control her anyway. Set boundaries and hopefully you will have some good time with her.
DEAR Jeff, my heart goes out to you and your wife. I have addicted children and an alcoholic husband. I have tried everything i know to make things better. Sometimes you just can't. t There are no easy answers. I know you love your daughter very much. I have been where you are now and unless she is willing to accept treatment and be an active member you more than l ikely won't have much sucess. Just don't give up. She needs you more now than she ever did. I have found that are no garantees that life will be easiy or uncomplicated we are dealt a certain hand and we have to play what ever cards we are given, bluff whatever just play your cards to the best of your ability and pray without ceasing. If its okay with you i would like to add your family to my prayer list. I wish I had better advise for you. It is not easy to watch our children hurt.
Wow that was such a moulthfull I had to look it up on Google, and if I understood the returns right it seems that your getting a $5 term for depression. When I saw that, I was like, "OH! Join the club! High intelligence, low self esteem and self worth, big ego."
Sounds as if also your daughter's gotten "over educated" in her disease: she likes all the things a treatment facility affords her, which is to say, a structured environment and self protection from her own disease she would rather someone do this for her 24/7. The reality is, as you're painfully aware, the only one that can protect your daughter from her disease is herself. She has to want to be sober, want to stay sober, and want to live sober. Now, the reality that you're watching other recovering alcholics in action I'm sure is incredibly painful for you: they wanted it. They realized that, in truth, they were their own worst problems. Because they kept on doing what they had always done they always got what they had always got. They stayed miserable because they chose misery. Hands down.
That's where your daughter is. No treatment center can create sobriety for her; she has to choose it for herself. No councelor can get her to work the steps; she has to entirely surrender to them herself.
I have a meditation book called IN GOD'S CARE, and it talks about God's plan. I think it's fitting for your situation: Accepting our powerlessness, even though it may first feel like a failure, can result in stretches of serenity that we've never before experienced. I will let go of my life today and trust God's plan for me. It's okay that you're hurting. I hope you come back. Keep us posted.
Let me welcome you to the forum. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Words cannot describe what you are going through right now. The realization that your own flesh and blood, your baby girl may not ever recover from this disease...she may never be 'fixed'. It's a horrible, helpless, tragic realization.
Yet with the heaviness of the despair weighing down on you, there is a light, there is hope. Maybe she will recover, maybe she will grow into a loving, nurturing, recovering soul. It's possible. But you know what's more possible and important? Is to make sure you grow into a loving, nurturing, recovering soul. That you do have contol over, regardless of the outcome of your daughter.
For me, my qualifier never did experience the beauty of recovery, and that breaks my heart, he has died and moved beyond this life, he was very much in his disease in the last chapter of his life. It hurts, it hurts that he was never able to break through, and I was angry at him for along time. Why couldn't he live like a 'normal' person? Years later I found al-anon (thank-you HP) and learned how to heal. Now I know it's about what I do rather than about what he did. He did not get the opportunity to recover, but I can, I can break free of the bonds of the disease.
Thanks for these replies and these words of encouragement. We're still deflated but not defeated. We have two other children who need us. We're going to join a group next Sunday night. It's good to have a place to vent and listen and learn. Thank-you.
Powerlessness is a hard thing to accept. We are powerless over another persons drinking. We cannot make them want sobriety and there is no institution that can "cure" them -- they have to want it. That's the bottom line. They can even say they want it, but the have to REALLY want it....enough to work a program.
Please read the AA big book for yourself, not for your daughter. Attend open AA speaker meetings. If you really want to learn what it is that help get others sober, you'll need to listen with an open mind, not w/ the mindset of how can I give this to my daughter. That sound rough I know, but if you listen with an open mind/heart, you'll hear what it really takes. The Big Book talks about a Spiritual Awakening, I've yet to hear anyone in AA say they got sober without it. This actually helped me to accept that I am powerless over getting my A sober. Pg 84 of the 4th Edition of the Big Book reads "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone -- even alcohol." This whole paragraph is awsome, but this one part we also can apply to our alanon program. If you want serenity you have to stop fighting this disease, it's not giving up, it's surrendering or turning it over to a power greater than yourself.
I hope you'll get a copy of the AA big book, a Big Book study by "Joe & Charlie" could be a great help to you, also. There is hope, you see it in those with the sparkle in their eyes, it's not impossible, it can happen -- we are just powerless to make it happen for them. No matter how much we want it for them or how much we love them. I am sorry for your pain, you are not alone.
Jeff, My A is my husband. I wish I had answers or solutions--I don't. It's so hard but some people do recover and live full lives. Keep reading--learning--progressing. It helps. mom to 2
I too understand your pain and struggles as a parent of an addict. We found that our faith in God and this group helped to see us through some of the darkest times. One thing I've learned is there is always hope. That is what we cling to.....the hope. We never dreamed we would be dealing with this as parents.....but we have. And somehow we are going to be ok.....thanks to God. I will keep your family and daughter in my prayers. We too have younger kids in our home to take care of. It has been rough on us all, but again, there is hope. Our son, who is now 20 is doing well and his life has been changed, again thanks to God and many out there who have prayed. He understands he will continue to have struggles, but he has surrounded himself with a support system, and for us as parents, "letting go" has been key for our healing.
