The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That is what I found out yesterday - I am not a wife - I am only a means of financial support - a wife is someone that you share things with - the good, the bad, sickness, health, etc.
I know because my AH is suppose to be in a program of recovery that there are things that he will share with his sponsor instead of me - I'm ok with that - I have worked on acceptance & understanding the disease - and that is just way some things have to be - But there is a line in that also - there are some things that a wife should know about - there are somethings that should be shared & talked about.
Yesterday, my AH told me that 7 months ago, a Dr found a spot on his colon & that he has undergone 2 rounds of oral radiation treatment. How the F&%* do you not tell your wife that kind of news?????? His sponsor & his sister knew, but I didn't rate enough merit to know.
I knew he had lost tons of weight - he & I had talked about it on numerous occasions - he said it was because he worked in the food industry & didn't feel like eating?? To be honest, I figured he was using again. He had all the symptoms of using - dishonest about money, secrecy, half-truths - He recently told me that he had relapsed in the gambling addiction - so I was pretty sure the other addiction probably was creepying back in his life also.
Yes, he was taking drugs - radiation drugs - damn him - I am not a wife - just someone that happens to contribute to your financial support - I feel the only reason he is telling me now, is because he is feeling much worse, and will probably need to go back to the Dr - He has no health insurance, no benefits at work - so he is expecting me to support him. Well Screw him & the camel he road in on.
And he wants to give me some bull about trying to protect me - Bull crap - we had serious, lengthy discussions 3 yrs ago when we moved back in together - I told him - I don't need a savior, a knight in shining armour, a man on a white horse - I need someone to be honest with me - Not full of lies, deceit & dishonesty.
I guess it is like the book a friend of mine is reading "He just not that into you"
So, here I am angry, mad, pissed, scared, sad, worried, afraid, hurt, betrayed, and every other emotion that could possibly go with finding out something like this.
Wow, do I really have to use some Al-Anon tools - yesterday after he told me - I said "I really need some time to process this" and I left the house. I went to a fellow Al-Anon's home & talked with her for a few hours. Tried to do some self care after I got home last night, but wasn't as successful as I wanted to be - My home group has a meeting tonight so I'll be able to go to it - then hopefully I'll be able to try to get some sleep tonight.
But prior to recovery, there are many things I would have done to cover up my feelings - I would have gone shopping, or many other ways to treat myself unhealthy - Today I know better - I have been writing down my feelings - even writing letters to his sponsor & sister expressing my feelings to them - I know that I will need to burn those letters - my writings may be a little distorted - no need to share them with anyone right now. I will have things to say to both of them - but today is not the time.
I know that I have a God of my understanding - that He has known what was going on & even now knows what will happen - I know that no matter what that my God & I will be ok - even better than OK - but today - I'm not ok - I'm in the middle of a storm of emotions & it is a crappy place to be - but I'll get through it -
Thanks for letting me vent.
As always, Learning to live happy, joyous & free, one day at a time, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Isn't it odd the way "men" think ...alcoholic or not. My husband has such a hard time communicating with me. I have even found out some things through his sharing at our al-anon group meetings!!! One particular time, after I had tried and tried to get him to open up and communicate with me on several different subjects, I found he had had a discussion about one particulat subject with our daughter!!!!! I had tried and tried to get some communication with him on that same subject, but instead he talked about it with our daughter??!! It was an adult subject anyway and he had no business discussing it with anyone but me. I guess I still have to add that one to my step 4! I am so sorry you are going through this. You are always such a support to me in all your posts ...including this one! You are in my thoughts and prayers
I am so sorry for all you are going through. My AH and I have communication problems too. But for us it is on both sides. I tend to bottle up my thoughts and feelings. Then one day they just EXPLODE. I don't know why. I guess I just have a tough time putting them into words that don't sound stupid and petty. There fore I just keep them to myself. And b/c I am that way, I guess I must be hard to talk to also. My AH never talks to me about his problems. All of our talks end up in arguements.
I just wanted to post my support. Let you know we are here for you. Keep your chin up.
Rita: I can relate very much to your story. I live with an A who has major medical issues. He contracted some auto immune disease. He shares only what he sees fit with me about it.
I have done a lot of grieving about the relationship is not sharing. I have spoken to him very candidly about the way he relates to me. He hears none of it of course. He only see's his victimization.
I can understand A's do not respond that well to crisis. I also understand they are quite manipulative with secrets too. I am glad for you that your A has some recovery. My A has none, zilch, nada. And he is not interested in any either he is so far superior to everyone.
Personally I am tired of listening to all his issues. I want someone to listen to and value mine. I want a partnership and not a dictatorship.
I've also done my share of acting out in my grief, tantrums, shopping, eating and more. I don't do that anymore. I stay very firmly focused on what do I need to do next.
There are days when I am absolutely furious at the A and his total self centeredness. There are other days when I detach well. I am so glad for you that you have a program support and can take time for yourself.
For me, this is not a communication issue - this is a lie issue - a deliberate deceit issue - Not like he forgot to tell me he spent $100 on hunting supplies. This is a serious health condition. Not to mention the side effects of the radiation treatment. You don't just forget to talk about the fact that you have cancer. That you have been seeing an Onocologist for 7 months.
That's not the inability to communication - that is deciding that you are my HP - you know what is better for me than I do. And that doesn't work for me.
Thanks so much for the support - I really appreciate it - Probably in a day or so, I'll be through the anger and feel totally different -I'm really glad to have the love & support of my Al-Anon family.
Thanks, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Rita, You are right; this is more than communication skills. As his wife, the importancy of his major health issues are very much your business .... as it affects you and your future.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I apologize for my earlier post .... regular lack of communication does not figure in in this case.
We're praying for you and your husband. Please let us know.
I can't get in this guy's head. But if you've read my posts about my parents you can imagine why I didn't tell my parents about seeing the colorful alphabet soup of drs I've been seeing recently. What does strike me about this situation is that there is an expectation somehow on both sides--he expects X, Y, Z from you; you expect A, B, C from him. And that the expectation hasn't been acknowledged seems to be the root of the resentment, from what I can tell at least. It seems somehow there is a deep feeling within your husband that he needs to be tough, hard, strong and stoic; if he lets you down on any of those, he really isn't the man you married. Some how, I'm hearing from you a need to experience emotional intimacy with him--the words "I need...." "I feel..." "I hear..." "I see..." "What I'm hearing you say...." "If I understand what you're saying, you're feeling...." So, in a sense, Irish isn't entirely wrong and you're not entirely right. There wasn't a communication and it led to deception. It wasn't entirely off the mark for your husband to go running to his sponsor, either. He's got that part of the program--any issue that's gonna challenge your program, pray like hell, and call your sponsor, 'cause your life depends on it. So, I think you're on the right track. I think you're doing good, and I think you're doing better than you think. I would suggest that you use more of the "Feelings Communiques," liek when you said "I need to take time to process through this, and take care of my feelings" *MAJOR THUMBS UP* because, even if he doesn't participate in that interaction, you're validating you. And, really, that's one of the keys of this One last note: The american Cancer society publishes a FANTASTIC book about cancer and families. I got my *tiger* paws on it when I was told I might have cancer in 2004 from the library. It covers EVERYTHING! Feelings, food, Scans, money....EVERYTHING
Hi Rita. YIKES! I am sorry you are going through this. I know you feel deceived, hurt, and angry. I certainly would. No, he didn't "forget" to talk to you about this. Perhaps, in some convoluted way, he thought he was protecting you. Hang in there. You'll be just fine.
With great caring, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Rita ((hugs)) let me first say, great use of the "camel" and "rode in on". see!! we do pick up things!
- lying is an addiction in itself; i see that in my wife. deciet, manipulation... the same. she (and i gather most A's) become so accustom to twisting the truth to meet their standards, that it has become their reality. it is sickness. it is a way of life. the one they know and have grown to trust and it probably is second nature
- irish -- no need to generalize, not ALL men fail to communicate (not that that makes me one that does, but most of us guys here work diligently on it)
much love (family) cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
You are in my thoughts and prayers
