The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Just wondered if any of you have esh with family who want to involve you in their chaos? My cousin's son is cheating on his wife with a woman in Las Vegas Nevada. He keeps calling me because he wants to stay at my home in Phoenix on his way out west to visit with his GF. His family is so mad at him. Both women are pregnant and I want no part of his problems. I do not know him that well and I do not want him or his attitude in my home or around my daughter. He is arrogant and disrespectful. How do I tell him I do not want him in my home without making the situation more volatile than it already is? His grandfather (my favorite uncle) has told me not to help him. But he gave him my phone number? He expects me to stand up to this man when he won't or can't.
It is your home, and it is ok to have your boundaries for yourself and your daughter. When my adult children have wanted to bring some of their "friends" to my home I tell them I'm sorry but that isn't convenient for me and my family ... we have too much going on.
It is "ok" to say no and not allow them to involve your life.
Hmm well if you don't know this guy too well, then what hurt can a little white lie cause? Not much in my book. Tell him you won't be home at the time he will be passing through. Or that you have some out of town guests already staying with you. Or you could just be honest and tell him you'd rather not get involved in his matters and that he cannot stay with you and your daughter. I mean seriously, if you don't really know the guy, being family doesn't really mean much. I have cousins that I wouldn't let stay with me b/c I don't know them from Adam really. I also can't imagine that they would ask but hey, people do the weirdest things when situations push them to it. Good luck. Sincerely, QOD
Boundaries are such hard work for some of us. I tend to want to be vague about my reasons. I could not even imagine involving someone else in the chaos in my life anymore. I know for some people that is their modus operandi.
I think its such an art to step aside.
I also think it is up to you what you say and how you say it. You also don't need to answer to this family member who gave him your phone number!!!
Thanks for the advice. I told this man off and the truth. I do not approve and I do not want to be involved and I want him to stop calling me. He is calling more now. I am certain he has problems and I want no part of it. I only hope he did not get my address along with my phone number from my Uncle.
"No" is a complete sentence. With that you do not have to explain yourself for any reason. You are not responsible for anyone else, but you. If he doesn't like the word"no" that is his deal to get over. Not yours. There is so much freedom in the word "NO"....try it out...I think you might like it. I sure do. I am not telling you this is what you should do....but...if it were me....I would have "NO" stamped on my forehead. "I love you but NO."
"What you do with yourself is none of my business, but it will not be brought into my home." "What you do with your life is your concern, but what goes on in my house is mine." "You cannot stay in my home, but I can recommend some hotels in the area for you." You've already made up your mind. You can honestly and assertively say what you need to say. You don't need anymore excitement in your life than you've already got. You're doing fantastic with the program and being assertive. Use those program skills!
Thanks Tiger.....He is leaving me alone now. I think he got the message clearly. Thanks to all that responded. I was just overwhelmed today. My mom and daughter are both sick with the flu. I am so tired and hungry not thinking clearly...thanks for the support.
