The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've noticed recently that I'm surrounded by negativity. The Aphones a lot but I don't speak to him...so it's not him! Everyone else, My sister, my friend, even people at work.....it's all doom and gloom, pointing out faults and arguments. I'm trying so hard not to get sucked in to it. These are the ordinary people in my life though and its hard to avoid all of them. I wonder if this observation of mine is progress for me. Is it a prompt that I should be moving on, making big changes. A lesson to be learned. I refused to be dragged down by negativity, and try to remain as upbeat as I can when I am with other people. I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this in early recovery? Is there an easy way through it? Any thoughts would be appreciated. I'm feeling quite alone and lonley at the moment.....trying so hard.. AM
The A I live with has something negative to say about everything. Yet around other people he can be the shining light and so sweet and funny. I try to not expect much from him. That was one of my downfalls to be expecting much of anything from him except chaos, confusion and pain. The A is not drinking or using much either at the moment. He insists he needs to smoke dope in order to feel ok. Right now I'm not even in the mood to dispute that. His moods are his to contend with.
I've been in some negative situations. The place I just worked at was a mire of contention, bad feeling and resentment that had gone on for years. I found it very difficult to be there. At the same time I stuck it out for a while because I needede the money. So I wouldn't suggest immediately leaving any job. I know its hard to find anywhere to work that is warm, functional and caring. I also know there are ways I respond in those environments that don't help me. For me personally I've had to try to brainstorm ways with friends how to react/not react/repond. I have been doing that lately. That helps me. I have nt' tried out the suggestions, ideas yet so I can't tell you yet how they work out.
I know for me living in all or nothing most of my life whenever I feel I have to make drastic changes I have to slow down and work on what they are. I've lived slept and dealt with all or nothing for years with the A who is either working all the time or not at all. He's either the life of the party or isolated and grudging. He's either needing me 24/7 or ignoring me 24/7. I can leap into drastic actions or I can sit down and work on my needs which are sometimes rather hard to get in touch with.
For me the familiar is dsyfunction and creating and reinforcing function takes times, its not a drastic overhaul its trying things out, working on them, refining them and above all giving myself a pat on the back for being wiling to change.
(((AnnMarie))) My mother is the queen of negativity! When I was in the program only a short time and things were getting better for me, her negativity bothered me even more than ever. I wanted to turn her outlook around, I would try to argue with her so she could see that things weren't so bad, on and on. Then I read the July 15 entry in the book "The Language of Letting Go," and I stopped. Let me paraphrase the important points:
"Who knows how better how to push our buttons than family members...who else do we give such power?"
"Sometimes it gets worse in early recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort."
"We cannot control what they do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we react."
"Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them."
"We can love our family (or friends) but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us."
If you don't have this book, I recommend it. It has been a lifesaver for me. Hope this helps, I don't have time to type the whole entry! BBsteps
I don't know if this applies to what you're going through, but this has traditionally been a tough part of the year for a lot of people. Alot of us are broke after the holidays and live in a gloomy climate. I don't blame bears for hibernating, I would if I could. Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Part of the fact that you're noticing other people's attitudes is a signal about you're beginning to notice your own attitude. You're making it a point to take care of yourself and take care of what you need with yourself. You're also being vigilant about what is causing fluctuations: HALT, need to call a sponsor, stuff like that. You're taking care of you! Ever notice how a candle lights a room? the space immediately around it is the brightest and the space furthest away from it is the darkest. Be the candle. Light the room.
I can totaly relate to the negativity! The place I work is overflowing with negative attitudes. You can experience it on any given day,at any shift from any person, any department. This is pretty bad as I work in a nursing home. Not the cheeriest, most upbeat of environments. From the staff, to the residents to family members. We are reminded of our mistakes by being "written up" for mis conduct, med errors, poor jod performance. But, there is very little if any positive reinforcement. They did start a little incentive for staff to have perfect attendance, for every 3 months we achieve that, we get a gift certificate from a local store. At the end of the year, they draw a name for that person to recieve a larger gift. Some staff say oh big deal, well, maybe it isn't much, but it is a start, something is better then nothing! I am seeing it getting worse & worse, now, I don't know if that has anything to do with my recovery or if it is really getting worse. Some seem to think it is just really getting worse. I am pursuing other options, finishing my BS degree, then I want to go on for my Masters. I feel I am at a stand still, feel stagnant with my job, maybe that inner feeling has lead to the increased negativity. Then I have it around me at home with my A hubby. He is so critical , so negative, has a why bother attitude. I did a positive thing this past weekend, attended my 1st Alanon round up, a topic on one of the panels was "Accectuate the positive." Examples of that were to flip it around from neg. to pos. to like who you are, turn judgementalism inot awareness, become aware of our selves, take care of our selves, go to meetings, work the steps! It sure is not easy sometimes, we tend to fall into the trap. I know I do. Because it is easier, it is familiar, it is what I know. But to turn it around to focusing on the positive is work! I did purchase the CD's of all 3 Alanon panels, an AA panel & the AA spirituality speaker from Sunday. Wow, it was amazing, the warmth, love, compassion, in the air during the conference, makes me want to go back again & again, Someone here told me the round ups are addicting, I can truly see why!!!! Enough rambling.lol. Hope you can turn the negative into positive! I hope I can too. lol. Meanwhile, I am sticking it out at my job, until I can earn a my degree and find another. Love & hugs XXXX OOOO
