The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many of you know my story. My AH and his crack binging. Well what do you do when you reach the point where you are tired of talking about all of the problems?
You see, this has been going on for so long and has been at it's worst for the last year. It has taken me a year to get to this great point in my recovery where I feel FREE. I am setting myself apart from my AH and getting on with my life for the sake of my sanity and that of our children.
He disappeared for 13 days on this most recent binge. He turned back up on Wednight @ 8:30 PM after he maxed out his credit cards. We have not had the BIG TALK but he knows it's coming. We chatted a bit but haven't really had the chance to get deep into it. I refuse allow this much needed talk to interfere with my schedule - my sleep, my work. So I have not gotten into it too much...plan on doing it this weekend.
My problem is I am tired of TALKING. I know I have to do "the talk" w/my AH but my family continues to call me to TALK about it. I know they mean well but at what point can I say BACK OFF!!!?? They helped me through my most difficult time....moving while my AH was on a binge. I have stuff in storage & at some of their houses that I am working on getting put into place. But as far as advice and opinions on how to handle my relationship w/my AH, I do not and have never ask them for their input.
I feel I have to deal with this on my own, in my way and I get so tired of them hashing my problems out and trying to "Make it all better" when I am the only one who can do and have been steadily working on it. And I feel like I am doing pretty dang good with it too.
So that is that. Thanks for listening. Hope all of you have a great weekend.
Of course they mean well, and of course you are tired of talking about the A and his problems with them. Be sure to use a loving tone when you say, "You know I love all of you dearly, and I know you are concerned about me, but It distresses me so to have this kind of conversation with you. Let us please talk about something else so that we can enjoy this time together." If that doesn't work, then it might be time for "BACK OFF!!!", but go gently and hope they will understand.
Always with best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you Diva for the advice. I reckon I will need to approach in a delicate manner as to not offend. And like you said, if that doesn't work - then "BACK OFF" will have to do.
Yeah, I like the "let's talk about something else, I'm so tired of all of this" approach. They are trying to show that they care about you, and would probably be just as happy as you are not to have to talk about it - they just feel they should. If you lead the way by showing that it is OK not to focus on this, and that you are working on it, they might very well be happy to follow.
Well I think its pretty hard when something has the the center of your existence. I am glad for you that you are this strong place. I have stopped speaking to the A's friends and his family about him largely. I am sure his family have noticed this.
I know when I used to talk about the A constantly it was out of anxiety and fear. I think its phenomenal you are at a place where you can walk through it congratulations.
"I appreciate you want to help, but I'd rather you didn't." "I appreciate your concern, but I'm just fine." "I appreciate you want to be here for me, but you expressing concern is more than adequate." "I'm greatful you want to help, but it's coming across as being nosy."
And, if somehow diplomacy fails all in this situation,
"I really don't need any advice right now, in light of the advice I've already been given having been more than adequate." "Right now, I didn't ask for anymore insight from you, and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop." "You need to stop now. I didn't ask for your opinion, and I don't want it." "Stop. Now." "If you continue to give me unsolicited advice I will [insert boundry here: end this convo; hang up the phone; leave the dinner table; et cet."
I am so lucky to have my family, they really worked with me. What I found best was being honest with the few who really mattered, Mom, Dad, brother ... thier SO's got the hint from them or from our actions. What it boiled down to was telling them this in a nutshell.
I am in the process of making some of the largest decisions I will ever make. I may need to use you as a sounding board occasionally, please remember I love my A very much and always will even though he is very sick and the situation is making me sick at the same time. I can't make promises on what may happen in the future regarding our relationship. For now I may need your help with manual chores, emotional vacations, even finances. If you can or want to help me, I'll be grateful if not I understand and know you love me.
That kind of let it open for me to ask for what I needed or say I do nto want to talk or whatever about this right now. I also got reminded by my Mom that she is hurting too, for me and for my A, her life has been affected by alcoholism and addiction too, watching me and my A. That helped me alot with having more patience and using my program not only with my A but in all areas of my life. Sometimes I wish my family would learn more about Alanon to help them better understand the process I am going through.
"You may be right." That works very well for me. I also find a simple drop of the conversation helps. "Thank you for your support..... I will ask when I need your help..." Those all have helped me. Ziggy
OK, for me, I have never really understood the problem, with unsolicited advice. Just because they give it, doesn't mean you have to take it. I can't imagine gettng really tough with someone just because they gave advice. If we accept help from people, especially, I think we have an obligation to at least let them say their piece - again, that does not mean we have to follow it. Otherwise, what we are saying is "You are good enough for me to take from, but I don't care what you think, and I'm making it clear". Maybe this is a cultural thing, but to me this is not about boundaries, but about manners.
((((((((((((((((QOD)))))))))))))))))))))) Take what you like and leave the rest with Family or Friends..... They mean well but they don't live in your shoes!!!!! I have heard in this program that saying "NO" very kindly is a complete sentences. So if you don't want to talk then just say No thanks and can we talk about "My Cute Sweet adorable CAT"!!!!
I go through this too, don't even have to ask, just open up about something & immediately the family or friends start trying to fix me. The ones that pipe up are usually the ones with the most messed up lives, themselves!
I try to politely say what you wrote, 'I am working on it' or if I really want them to lay off just say, 'I'll give that consideration.' I've even come out & said, "when I need advice on it, I'll come right to you, thanks". Maybe it has to do w/ our own personal boundaries too.
Have to love the Program, we share ESH, not advise. What works superbly for me, might not work for anyone else.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
The easiest way to stop the advice is to not tell them what is going on in your home . talk to program people they understand . Your friends and family don't get it they care and worry about u and to most the solution is to leave , but until we are done we just can't do that Ask them to support your decission to stay in this relationship and stop talking about what is going on between you and hubby . No ammo no talkie. Louise
Thanks to all about how to stop the unsolicited advice from family and friends. Dully Noted. :)
One person mentioned not understanding the whole "Unsolicitated Advice" thing b/c of being polite. Here is one example of how it goes around my family: I need to buy a storage shed to put all of my stuff that is in a rented unit @ $92/month. Finances are really tight but it is just something I have to do. Now I am tired of just "winging it" and doing whatever will "patch" the problem temporarily. I want to get the right size shed for my purposes now & in the future. I have given myself a price limit and have searched for it & found it. Now my Dad comes at me w/this solution....he wants to buy a Plastic shed that is much smaller than I need and have me pay him back on a monthly basis. Great idea if push came to shove. But then what happens when it is all filled up and I still have stuff to put in it? What happens when this plastic shed falls apart and my money has been flushed down the toilet? I mention this to him and tell him how I am feeling about getting the right thing now instead of kicking myself later b/c I didn't do the right thing the first time around. But instead of him taking what I said and dropping it, he kept on and on. I finally said - Look I understand that beggers can't be choosers and I really appreciate your willingness to help but it isn't what I want and I am not willing to settle right now. I am going to do this right the first time vs. winging it just to get me through and having it bite me in the butt in 6 months or a year. He finally accepted that but it was an act of Congress to get him to drop it. So that is what I mean about unsolicated advice. The occassional suggestion is fine....even asked for but to continue on and on until I accept the advice and do and suggested it a bit too much for me right now.
I did spend the weekend telling everyone that I AM FINE and that EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT. I constantly changed the subject and tried to keep things on the light side. Sometimes you just need a break from it all.
Thanks again everyone. Y'all are always so great. :)
