The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I mean, things are OK, but not really. Just like quiet before a storm (I hope I'm exagerating). This week I started my CNA class. I have to get up very early so I keep trying to go to bed early.
Sunday night we are making the bed. We start to bicker, which is not unusual. I hate making the bed with him, it's really an enduring procedure. As he keeps telling me that I'm doing it wrong and measuring the sides of the bed to see which sideis longer, I try not to get upset and I say, "you know, I've figured this out, you are a perfectionist". And he snaps "Oh yeah, just like it says in that book you're reading about women married to alcoholics?" His tone was very snide. I had been hiding that book in my purse. And yes, that book describes alot of his behavior to a T (whatever that means). He went on to dispute anything mentioned because apparently he read the book very quickly and harbors a little resentment about something. I knew better than to contradict or clarify anything. I just didn't say anything, and so he started accusing me of messing up the bed. This escalated to yelling very quickly. He told me to just keep my mouth shut and I did, I held my breath. He was quiet for a second then kept right on going. I ended it, there was no point in saying anything to him ever. I went downstairs and sat on the porch and cried my eyes out. Then I cleaned the kitchen. Then I sat on the floor in the dark for a long time. Then he calls for me like nothing happened and tells me the computer's free for me to use ( I had asked several hours earlier). I told him I didn't need it anymore (it was past midnight by this time) and went into the bedroom and closed the door. I couldn't sleep for a long time and he did not come in while I ws awake.
Monday night- I did the whole dinner thing and was watching Heroes, put the kids in bed, he's up on the computer. Heroes is over, (10:00), I go to say something to him, he is gone, so is the car. I try not to be annoyed- let the disease run its course, it's his problem not mine bla bla bla- who am I fooling, I am not a happy camper. He comes home at 11:00 and he's acting all hyper and weird. He goes over to my dresser and vanity drawers and starts "cleaning", pulling stuff out and complaining how messy things are. It is making my skin crawl to see/hear him shuffling through my stuff and also HE NEVER CLEANS! Occaisionally I catch sight of him not really cleaning but rumaging through my stuff. Why? I ask him what he's looking for, he says no "I'm just cleaning." I don't have anything to hide and I don't want to start a fight, so I put on a movie he wanted to watch and tried to get him out of the room. As soon as he left I went to bed, but I can't sleep. I can hear him shuffling around the house, it is very irritating and it is also pretty late by this time. Some times I hear him sniffing and I can't stop myself from wondering...
Tuesday night- AKA last night- he goes to walk the dog at about 8:00 and comes back around 9:00. It is obvious to me that he is sneaking out to drink because he doesn't want me to think he's an alcoholic (haha). He comes in the house acting all wired and hyper, like before. He starts ordering the kids, who are already in bed, to pick up their stuff. My ten year old daughter gets an attitude and I flat out tell her that he is drunk and that there is no point trying to reason with him. Just go lie down and pretend to sleep, I will back you up. I turn out all the lights in the house and try to get him to mellow out, but he is boucing off the walls. In the kitchen he starts talking about when he went to school, and doesn't stop. I humor him because at least it's quieter than before. He doesn't notice that I am not saying anything, he just goes on and on. I am wanting togo to bed so bad by this point, it is about 10:30. I set his movie up (he still hasn't watched it) and tell him I have to go to bed. He gets the fireplace going and I go upstars and lay down. At around eleven oclock I hear this THUNK THUNK THUNK and the house shakes with each one. He is in the front yard chopping wood. I pull the covers over my head but the house shakes with each whack untill I can't take it anymore. I go downstairs and take a look. He has his headphones on but he is talking to himself, mumbling things and saying f*ck you...some other weird things I couldn't pick up. The wood chopping is louder than thunder and I can't help but wonder what the nieghbors think. I get his attention and ask him if he's ok. He is all smiles and is like "yeah, I'm great". I tell him that it's probaby not a good time to chop wood and that it is really loud. He gets annoyed but I try to be very nice and patient, and point out that there is plenty of chopped wood (there was a good sized pile) and that I was trying to sleep. He says he is done and I go upstairs. 20 minutes later, he's out chopping more. I try to ignore it, but how can I? I go back downstairs- "Hey, I thought you were done" he says he was done with that wood but this is other wood and we need it to be chopped. AAUUHHGG!! It's going on midnight now and I have hardly slept in two days I say. He's like "yeah I'm almost done", then stands there and chops more wood. So I ask him "Did you get high?" And he says sarcastically, "yeah, I went out and got high" I said well, I can't help but wonder, you've been slipping out everynight and coming home all rowdy. He says "I'm not high", then he looks down and mumbles "I don't take many drugs" O.KAAAY. I asked him about that and he says he only takes his prescription. Anyway, I still had to try to get some sleep so I go upstairs. Of course I can't sleep right away, but it does happen. Only I wake up and he is crawling across the bed, right across my legs. I say hey, you'r gonna break my legs and he giggles and wants to like rough play or something and I tell him to please leave me alone. I check the clock it is 2:00am. Try to go back to sleep. Some time later he is snoring so loud I have to roll him over. Some time after that he is moaning and groaning, sounds like he is in pain. He gets out of bed and walks to the door, then falls backward right on me. He instantly jumps up and goes downstairs. I look at the clock, it is 3:30 and I have to get up at 5am.
OK I know that was long and a little convoluted, but it helps me to think about it and write it out. He is drinking in the day as well. When I'm out of school at 12 noon he has beer on his breath. I guess I just have to sit back and watch this train wreck. I don't know if he is doing drugs but I wouldn't be surprised. Any ideas what he's on? Should I care? I mean I love him and care for him...
He's keeping me up at night and not in a good way.
Also, there is a meeting tonight, I want to go, but it is at the same time that he mysteriously dissappears. In fact I have been wanting to go for at least a month and he is always gone and I can't leave the kids alone.
By the way, am I ruining my kids? They are very aware of his alcoholism, how much should they know? I would have left him if it wasn't for them. I don't want to ruin there lives, I know he wont let the marraige go gracefully, he loves to fight.
I don't even want a divorce, I wan to make it work, but I'm doing all the working. Any ideas? Help?
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 20:10, 2007-02-07
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
RainyJamie wrote: Also, there is a meeting tonight, I want to go, but it is at the same time that he mysteriously dissappears. In fact I have been wanting to go for at least a month and he is always gone and I can't leave the kids alone.
By the way, am I ruining my kids? They are very aware of his alcoholism, how much should they know?
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 20:10, 2007-02-07
I wasn't able to read your entire post, but are there any meetings in your area with childcare? Is he your only babysitter and if he is do you think you might need to shop for a new one? I would suggest getting to as many meetings as possible.
And secondly, YOUR not ruining your kids, but the disease is absolutely affecting them...there is a program called al-ateen where they can go and express their feelings as well. I wish I knew of it when I was growing up, I highly recomend it.
Thanks for posting. I can relate in so many ways. I just had a couple of quick thoughts. About the bedmaking. There are 2 sides to the bed, make you side the way you want it. If you don't mind your sheets being untucked or hanging down that is YOUR business, not his. He can make his side of the bed anyway he wants. Seems to me that the whole bed situation is really just a metaphor for what life with an A is like.
As for the meeting, take the kids with you. If your child is old enough, he/she should be welcome, if not, those portable DVD players are a life saver. A trip to the public library for a movie and set them up outside the room, you can leave as often as you need to to check on them. Or maybe there is someone in the program with a teenager who might be willing to bring him/her along for a little babysitting practice. I guess my point is, do what you need to do.
Know that you are not alone. Program also tells us that because of that we never have to do anything alone again, WE have a PROGRAM and all of its gifts.
Wow youve described a lot of the stuff I deal with every day from the A. I can't tell you how much Al anon has helped me. I no longer respond as much to the A. He always has some criticism of anything I do. I just accept it. I don't argue. There is no point arguing. He also does the intrude stuff sometimes. These days when he is making a fuss I don't say as much. I don't shout back at all.
Another tool I have is to have very low expectations of the A. I don't expect much. I don't hunger for much. He isn't available for much. I accept that now.
I know if I go to a place of I would like...I am going to be lost. What I would like and what the A is able to do is not much.
The irony for me is that in not arguing, not participating in his chaos I actually have a lot more energy. It can still be really exhausting to be around him but I'm not over the edge anymore. And when I'm not over the edge I have time to strategize and get on with my own self care.
I think I had a whole long grief process with anger, bargaining and sadness about the A was an A and couldn't provide what I needed. I found that pretty gruesome to get through. Now I'm at the place of acceptance about it I no longer want him to be the partner I need. He isn't capable of it. The irony is that I'm not sure I am capable of being a partner either. After being around an alcoholic for 6 years I've picked up some codependent habits. I had them before I met him of course which is why I "fit". So a big big part for me is working on my self, not for him, not for the relationship (what there is of it) but for the future because I do have one.
Another suggestion Iwould make is to get to the meetings here. You can go at home. the meetings here are great. I am not going at the moment because getting into chat is a barrier but its something I am going to invest time into in the near future so maybe I will see you there.
Give yourself lots of self care and a huge break for a tough week. No one here is going to say you are not trying hard enough. Living around an active A is very difficult but tools in al anon can help take you off that edge of craziness.
Jamie I really cannot relate to this kind of behavior, so perhaps I have nothing to offer. I can give you a big hug ((((((Jamie))))))))))) and assure you that you and your children take up a big space in my positive thoughts, hopes, and prayers. Please take care of yourself. Remember, you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. All you can control is Jamie.
With great caring,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Just try to let go, as much as you can. You don't have to tell him something if he already knows how you feel, you don't have to keep track of his actions, just let it go.
I agree that you can get to a meeting if you make YOURSELF a priority. Call the contact number and let the person there know that childcare is a problem for you, and there may very well be a solution. I hid behind the childcare problem for years, and denied myself the help I could have gotten. It's not that it isn't a real problem, it is, but it has a solution, probably several solutions. You may just be too isolated to see them.
Having to sit and listen to him go on and on and on was something that I went through. One thing that sometimes worked was excusing myself to go to the bathroom and then just not coming back. Take a shower instead, shave your legs - by the time you get out, he will have forgotten you. If I tried a direct approach, saying "I don't really feel like talking about this" or changing the suject, he would fly into a rage, so I only could use sneakier methods. Maybe not the healthiest way, but as we always say, baby steps. He still does this sometimes now that he is sober, but if I leave, he doesn't follow me screaming - that's the difference.
Wow, what a story. It sounds a little frightening to me, the way you describe him chopping wood in the middle of the night like that. And it does sound like he is on some kind of speed, with the coming home hyper and cleaning up. I really have nothing to offer you except to ask you if you are safe in this home. This behavior sounds incredibly erratic, and like I said, a little frightening. Please think about that, even if he has never laid a hand on you.
I really want to encourage you to validate and honor your feelings. What I keep hearing is this "good girl" mentality: If I act like it's okay, it's gonna be okay; If I act like I'm together, I'm gonna be fine; If I act like I'm just movin' forward, this too will pass. This was SUCH a confusing part of al anon for me! They were telling me "Fake it till you make it!" "Just for today, I will make a choice to be happy..." Then, they were turning around and saying "My feelings are mine, they are precious, and they are valuble." I was like "Make up your minds, people! I can't be both things!" Well, the truth is I CAN! I have come to see I can feel alot of different things all at once. I've come to see I can CONTINUE to feel alot of different things over a LONG period. I've come to see I can ACKNOWLEDGE my feelings, HONOR THEM, and not be HOSTAGE to them. The reality I've come to see, ultimately, is that my feelings are a PART of me, and not what DEFINES me. That's why whenever we hear about some perverse serial killer, we try to understand what happened; they are so far out of the norm, we can't define them in our little boxes and we're uncomfortable. I really really encourage you to say something to yourself that allows you to break this "I'm fine; I'm okay; I'm a good girl" cycle. Just because you acknowledge how pissed off and upset you are doesn't mean you're gonna be unglued by it. Will you feel upset as you acknowledge your feelings? I was; I would imagine you will be too! Will you get upset as you process through your feelings? I was; I imagine the first few times you get to know your feelings you will too! But that's the funny thing about feelings--any more when I acknowledge my feelings, when I get in touch with them, and "get to the root of the problem," I can honestly do that without coming un done. I can say "The real deal is X; as a result, I'm feeling Z, Y, A, B, and C. I need to do E, F, G, H and I to safely deal with these." Usually, that means, call my sponsor, exercise, journal, go to a meeting, and pray. After I do that, I feel alot better. My feelings don't hold me hostage. But the first few times, I felt like the sky was falling in on me--I thought I was gonna die the feelings were so big. AFter that, it wasn't so bad. I got better at naming what I needed, was dealing with. Keep coming back.
i feel more scared for the children....but i am truly scared for You. Behaviour like this can only escalate. doesnt sound like its just alcohol. i really have to say that i am in fear for You. and.... i fear for what * the children are having to hear. having to see. i remember as child hearing soooo much of "stuff" that i know i shouldnt of. "stuff" my parents thought i didnt hear. believe me children hear everything. especially, the things that are none of their business. is this man your childrens father? i dont remember if you posted that.
i pray you work it out. the irrational stuff stops. i , myself, would definitely have a PLAN B. a place to go, even if its a hotel in another city. i would have a plan. no matter what you do..... taking care of your self you will find that you can open new doors to new adventures. an inner peace. new and wonderful relationships through Alanon. i found its ok to spend more time with the children. focus more on being a witness of them. their growth. their dreams. its a blessing to be able to watch them. if its sports or doing homework. to support them as they find their way. each day another step into the future. they willll grow up. its inevitable. sadly. but its ok too. i still see them. They (willl) move on with their own hopes and dreams.
time for a founding of a new sense of You. You deserve that. Today is your day. I , Today, believe I deserve it. And I know that my children would/ did deserve it. They also , like You, deserve to live each day unafraid. To feel safe. To know I love them. And I wouldnt (intentionally)want to do anything to put them in harms way. Even if not ready to stop this madness. its very evident, visually evident that someone could get hurt. that is where i draw the line. violence and * irrational behaviour ...like you described can only lead to violence. that is unacceptable to me. your in my thoughts and prayers, to make the right decisions for your "Self" and for the children.
Keep Looking UP Keep coming back (((((jamie))))) take careYOU!!
I am sorry for the chaos in your life. You WILL feel better. I remember all too well wanting to be "nice" to my A, sitting there and politely listen to him while he just rambled on and on. Well, my A has been sober for three months now, and he doesn't remember hardly any of those nights he talked to me. I remember feeling so horrible and wanting to go to bed, and hoping it would help him if someone listened to him. The truth is, I was miserable. I was watching and listening to a madman lose his mind, and I thought I was HELPING!
The best thing you can do is detach, detach, detach. I don't know what book you are reading but "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew is a very good book, I used it every day when dealing with an alcoholic. It has very very helpful tools in it. Right now, though it is so hard, worry about yourself and get away as much as you can. That is all that helped me, was to begin to do my own things. You will feel better, and believe it or not, you will be helping him.
It sounds very erratic and a little scary at your home, with your A looking through drawers, chopping wood, etc. If you feel you or your kids are in danger, you really ought to think about moving somewhere. It doesn't have to be forever, just be cautious. It seems alcoholics/drug abusers really don't think about the consequences of behavior while doing it, and the nicest person in the world can be dangerous under the influence. My A threatened to kill me a few times, but he was so out of it I wasn't worried... and he had no weapons when he said it. They are just plain out of control.
My prayers and hugs are with you and your kids. I know your pain so so well. Please go to meetings!!! There are a few women who have come to meetings I have seen with their kids. I don't think people really care, as long as they are well behaved. You should check first though if you can call someone. It is really really important for you to stay connected with people in the program. It will REALLY save your sanity and your life. Please come back here, this website was my saving grace. I really don't know how I found it, but I thank God everyday for it!!!
My f2f group has kids come regularly. Just check with your group and find out your options.
My A was a meth user, among other things, and I have been around many. Yours sounds like a classic case. I'm not sure how I would handle his behavior around the kids, but I think honesty is mostly the best policy. Even a very young child can understand when someone is very sick. I explained to my 5 yo that Daddy's brain was sick, but it wasn't like the flu where he could sleep and eat chicken soup. He wouldn't be able to get better until he really wanted to work hard at it. That we couldn't help him until he was ready to help himself. Surprisingly my son understood that. I had to make my husband leave the house for a while, and while he was gone I kept up a good daily routine for myself and my son. That really helped. Especially since I was pregnant at the time and pretty sick myself for a while.
I had the same fear about my kids welfare, but kept reminding myself that I was doing my best and they are very resilient. I am trying to teach them absolute honesty in every aspect of thier lives, as I think that honesty is a great defence against them developing these same problems themselves. My personal theory is that if you can't lie to yourself or to others, it makes developing a disease like A that much harder. Or at the very least would make recovery more likely. My A has had a really hard time with the concept of total honesy because he the word was not even a part of his family's vocabulary. Anyway this is just from my limited experience. I'm no doctor, or anything.
Maybe you should look into somewhere else to live for awhile. My husband would avoid a conflict at all costs so it was a no brainer that I wasn't going to leave, he was. However yours seems to thrive on conflict. It probably makes him feel powerful, and distracts him from reality, but it probably will escalate,so it sure wouldn't hurt to have a plan even if you never have to use it.
I guess this was long, but I'm glad you posted. I wasn't having a great morning myself. Now I think I'll go take care of myself.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
my H's drug of choice is/was meth, but alcohol and other addictions went right along with it. my "personal opinion" is that he's using some form of speed (meth, crank, etc.) but knowing what substance right now doesn't really matter. what you should do is get help for yourself and your kids. my first f2f al-anon was actually with my H, my grandmother, and our 4 month old (at that time) child. after that, i too kept "promising" myself i'd get to more meetings. the sad part is that i didn't follow through on that for a while. i went sporadically and "blamed" it on not having a babysitter for the girls (10 yrs, and 15 months) or a vehicle. i was telling a fellow member my "excuses" for not attending more often and he said "maybe someone here could give you a ride." and "bring them with." i felt a bit like i was intruding by bringing them and that someone was sure to get upset by the occasional distraction of them, but guess what? nobody minded and most commented on how well they behaved. (confidence boost to me!) i've since found someone who can watch them most of the time, but if they can't, i know i can just bring them with me. i also have a vehicle, but if it isn't working or i don't have gas, i have a fellow mwmber who lives nearby that's happy to let me tag along with her. i didn't catch the ages of your kids, but alateen would definitely be a good thing to look into if the ages are right. also, look for meetings that have childcare. otherwise, just ask people in your group, you may be surprised how understanding they are. i know now that by helping myself, i'm helping them too because a change for the positive in my attitude (i get that from al-anon) is a change for the positive in their lives too. i'll pray that you can get yourself to meetings and that your HP will guide you to so what's best for your children. best of luck to you. keep your chin up.
I was surprised when I read that so many people thought my A's behavior was scary. I wrote most of that out of annoyance. It was annoying that he would rummage through my drawers or chop wood late at night, get the kids out of bed and boss them around. I thought that those three days were "good" days because we weren't actually fighting (except the making the bed thing). I had to try very hard not to argue with his irrationality, or let the odd behavior slide, or there would be fighting. The truth is that his behavior is scary, I just had become desensitized to it. There was one indident, a few years ago, that ended with me and the two girls (who were much younger) on a city bus, riding it to the end of the line, tranfering to a train and taking that to the end of the line. I was about to get on a Greyhound when I changed my mind. I called him and he apparently had no memory of the incident. He was being really nice (sheepish) and I begrudgingly went home. We didn't have jackets or anything, I mean, all I had was my purse. He hadn't hit me after all. Since then I remebered what led up to that incident (me, not shutting my mouth) and tried not to repeat it.
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I asked him about that and he says he only takes his prescription.
i feel more scared for the children....but i am truly scared for You. Behaviour like 
this can only escalate. doesnt sound like its just alcohol. i really have to say that i am in fear for You. and.... i fear for what * the children are having to hear. having to see. i remember as child hearing soooo much of "stuff" that i know i shouldnt of. "stuff" my parents thought i didnt hear. believe me 
children hear everything. especially, the things that are none of their business. is this man your childrens father? i dont remember if you posted that.
i would have a plan
. no matter what you do..... taking care of your self you will find that you can open new doors to new adventures. an inner peace. new and wonderful 
relationships through Alanon. i found its ok to spend 
more time 
with the children. 
focus more on being a witness of them. their growth. their dreams. its a blessing to be able to watch them. if its sports or doing homework. to support them as they find their way. each day another step into the future. they willll grow up. its inevitable. sadly. but its ok too. i still see them. They (willl) move on with their own hopes and dreams. 
You deserve that. Today is your day. I , Today, believe I deserve it. And I know that my children would/ did 
deserve it. They also , like You, deserve to live each day unafraid. To feel safe. To know 
I love them. And I wouldnt (intentionally)want to do anything to put them in harms way. 
to stop this madness. 
its very evident, visually evident that someone could get hurt. that is where i draw the line. violence and * irrational behaviour ...like you described can only lead to violence. that is unacceptable to me. 
prayers, to make the right decisions for your "Self" and for the children.
(((((jamie))))) take careYOU
!!