Any way to cut down your communciation with her, rather than cut it off all together?  I find that I can put up with a little of someone's BS, as long as it's not too often, or too long.  You're already doing well at keeping boundaries - refusing to lie - so making a few more might be possible. It would be a shame to cut her off from grandkids, on both sides. 

I cut all communication with the A's mother for a while. I don't know that it helped that much.  I just looked like I was the who couldn't handle anything. 

I think its pretty normal in recovery to discover that people one had hailed as saviors are actually pretty dysfunctional.  I'm have my disillusion moment.

The more recovery I get the more I see life around any A is very very difficult.  Different peole have different levels of toxicity with it.   I have known people with lots of recovery who were totally codependent, others are not.  Some people address their codpendence some don't. There are lots of stories in AA meetings of the chaos around any addict/alcholic who goes out. Some people in AA totally drop those who go out, some don't. 

I know for me living with an alcoholic there will always be chaos. The A I live with has no worked for a long time. I know he had a little money.  He has work he just doesn't go on it. That used to be meltdown time for me. I believe he is incredibly selfish.  I am no longer willing  to meltdown for him though.  He looks for work but not much.  He just sits around plays games, feels sorry for himself, dreams, and does nothing.  I used to try to control him, try to "make" him be responsible.  He would tantrum over that, make me out to be the person who was hindering him and more.  Now I just don't do anything much. I will of course if he doesn't pay the rent.  I am not getting into why he should pay his bills or do whatever he needs to.  It is his life. 

I also used to speak to his friends about his moods and more.  Last night a friend who he works with came over to offer him work. That would have been cue for me to say something in the past. I said nothing.  Its up to the A to sort out his life. I'm through being mother, rescuer and more. They are great great sources of chaos.  We can join them in the chaos or we can step out. I think stepping out takes practice.  Obviously we want to lessen the effect on us.  I will be absolutely furious if the a doesn't pay the rent.  That's his side of the street.

I just keep working on my side of the street. I stopped the behaviors. I stop the interfering, controlling, manipulating, pleading, trying to make him be a person who holds up their end of a partnership.  I just focus on me.

That's new for me.  I practice it every day sometimes better than others.  I set limits.  I say no.  I say nothing much beyond that. If the A wants to spend his life playing video games he can now.  He just has to pay his side of the bills for now.

Maresie.

 It occurs to me the lady may have relapsed herself; time in AA becomes an ego pole after awhile and somehow people with long term sobriety feel as if, should they relapse, they can't come back. It's too humiliating. They die of their disease rather than humble themselves to the solution.
 It also occurs to me she would rather sacrifice you to the community than be straight with anyone about the real situation about her family. How could some one with so much sobriety be such a disaster as a mother? Well, the truth is, you can sit around in meetings, talk big game, and be absolutely no recovery at all. It happens more than you think. Think about my mom: she's been sober 20 years and she blames me for my father's alcholism
 Pray for her. Pity her. SHe's miserable She hates herself. She blames herself. She's also physically exhausted--remember all the years when you tried to present to the world that everything was a ok? Well, do that for the entire span of your sobriety.