I have been working super hard on the resentment issue in the last few months. I feel like I've come a long way on it. Nevertheless I had a lot of denial about how bad I've been with it.
I've also been in denial about what I looked like and was like around others when I was totally consumed with anger at the A.  I felt absolutely justified and that my anger was relevant and never out of control.  I had no idea how I came across what an image it was to others and how I turned off so many people around me with my absolute obsession with how much I resented the A's using on many levels. 

The reality is that I looked and sounded really out of control. I definitely would not admit to that before now.  What changed was 6 weeks of being around a person out of control with resentment.  Before now I would say I never really acted out.  I did however and I was absolutely out of control in my own way with resentment and anger and depression.  I was slipping and sliding to certain death. 

This last position I had I worked with a woman at close range (10 inches) who was consumed with anger. She has plenty to be angry about. She is burned out in her job. She has significant issues with lots of stuff.  I have to say it was super difficult to be around her, not just that she snapped at people, fumed, sulked, seethed anger but that it was physically hard to be in her proximity.  She held her body really rigidly and she was always upset all the time.  I know I have that issue.  Physical therapist have said in the past certain issues I have had were complicated by how rigid I was.  I couldn't hear them though of course.  After all I had a right and a reason to be angry whatever it cost me.

And I was there 10 inches apart most of the time she was too close to me, sat too close and assumed she could say things I did not want to hear to me she was rude. I've been very very very rude and justified it many times in my life to people who triggered me.  How self righteous I could be when I am mired in resentment.   The way she spoke to other people was difficult to hear too.  Of course I have in the past had no idea that my own really out of control rage dripped out all over my life.  I felt I had myself in control. I felt I was justified. 
I felt I had the "right" to be angry.  Above all whatever I was I was hurt so I had no ability to control my behavior or my actions or my effect on others. After all I had been hurt and badly.  And I wore that hurt very very clearly to others I know that now. 

I am still angry at the A but I am not out of control with it. I don't eat sleep write, seethe it every minute.  I don't snap at people and slam the door and shut myself off from the world because I can't stand to even breathe sometimes with rage.   When someone knocks on the door I don't go off with resentment as I did.  I don't feel like I am at my limit anymore.  I have many many many signficant challenges in my life.  I am far far far from perfect.  At the same time I'm not at the end of my tether anymore and I was there totally before.  

I know the only thing that kept me from being like this woman I worked with is this room, this place and the tools I found here.  I know therapy may have helped some too but this room helped the most.   I found this room when I was totally out there with resentment and was willing to listen and take suggestions. I had a sponsor for a while. She heard lots of the rage and resentments and the crisises.  She listened she empathised she didn't judge.  She didn't run screaming or feel like running into the hills as I have about this woman I've had to spend 6 weeks 10 inches apart from.  I've dreaded seeing her some days. When I was ill I didn't have the strength to deal with her. 

I felt realy heard in this room. Lately I have been feeling some resentment towards this coworker it was very hard to be around her acting out. It was very hard to see her and see the reflection on me. It was hard to hear her snapping at people, slamming the phone down,
I also didn't like her attitude towards me.  She was very very difficult to be around.

I know I have been impossible to be around with the rage and resentment and in some ways the idea for me in this difficult job (I had one other co worker who really presented yet another mirror) was to see this and understand how very self destructive it is to be totally on overwhelm with resentment. When I first came into the rooms when peope said practice HALT I have to say I had no idea what was too much hunger, anger lonely and tired after all I was always on overwhelm with the A. NOw I have some sense of limits. I can't say I always know when to call it but I know when I am there.  I also know I am not there all the time anymore.

I spent some time today talking about this woman and her effect on me to a friend in recoveyr it definitely helped took a few hours but it helped.  I am so blessed to have that opportunity and the space to do that. I can get to a place of compassion about it. Some of it is that my assignment ended and I don't have to see it quite so graphically in front of me. I  can have compassion that. like me, she has no idea how she comes across to others. I can have compassion that she is ill much like I was. I can have compassion that she has not had an easy life.  I can also have great compassion for those who had to deal with me when I was totally moribund with resentment.  I can also work on myself and decided I am not going there again it is death for me.

I often think about if the A continues on his way uses drugs or drinks he is going to die.  He has a liver conditon already.  The issue for me is if I stay mired in resentment I will die an emotional death of sorts and make myself very very ill. The last time I saw my coworker she looked very very ill. I am sure people who saw me moribund with resentment felt that way too. I was and can still be very very very ill.  Maresie.