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Just had one of the worst days of my life. My friend and I had become very close the last few months. Moved the friendship upto another level. So we were very intimate. I was very happy. I had feelings for him, I love him, have done for a long time. We ended the relationship a few weeks ago, he said he felt guilty because he didnt feel love. The he came back to me. I asked him if he was still feeling guilt, he said no.
Last week he text me to say, he cant do this anymore, sorry...... I had tried to talk to him, he wouldnt answer me.... So after 3 days of no contact, I text him today asking if we could talk.... I got a reply that I never expected. He had nothing to talk about, told me to let it go, I explained to him, this was making me ill, and I didnt know what I had done wrong. We had been friends for a long number of years, and did that not count for anything....The reply to that was....."Find some new friends and leave me in peace".....
I am devastated, I have never saw that side of him before... I don't deserve this.. He could have talked to me, explained he couldn't do it anymore...The last time we ended it we talked with ease...
Im so lost, and I don't know where to turn on this one. We have been a part of eachothers lives for so long now, and have a trusting, reliable friendship, well I thought we did.... Now he is being very brutal towards me.... Like I have done something wrong to him. Only thing I have done wrong is love him too much...
Im in a state today, my heart is breaking, I feel as if i'm grieving again for him. But the one emotion that is scaring me is Anger...... I am angry, I want to hate him... I cant see my life without him right now, hopefully this shall pass.
I spoke to my sponsor who is in AA, she explained to me, he doesn't know how to deal with this, he is emotinally crippled, and hes getting angry, because the situation is not going away. He wants me to dissappear, and let him get on. She also suggested the immaturity in him, is why he is treating me like this. (he is in his 40's)
He is also a recovering Alcoholic (6 years)
So I am just trying with great difficulty to get through the following days. I am going to a funeral on thursday.. 18 year old relative....... I am losing control right now and i'm scared.
I know I have really big love addiction issues. It sounds to me like he is doing a love avoidant on you. Do you have access to material on love addiction. I know when people cut me off like the current A I can go into abandonment issues.
I know for me it is very very very difficult to self soothe when I feel abandoned. I hope you have resources available for you. I am glad your sponsor is so responsive. I have personally found that when I know the love avoidant is acting out on his issues I don't take it as personally. I don't see it as a reflection on me but his acting out. Of course when I'm in abandonment mode all I feel is terrible pain. I have had a hard time getting out of that pain.
I am sorry you have to go to a funeral and feel so alone. I hope this group can be there for you. I hope you will post often and keep us up to date on your stuff.
Oh Ally...just keep breathing. You'll make it. I feel your pain so clearly...I wish you could be wrapped in a blanket of love and understanding and know that you matter and you don't deserve this and I wish he had been more able to express his situation without being hurtful to you. When similar things have happened to me...I feel like I am going to break into a billion pieces...I feel like I don't exist....I feel like a baby that wants love. Abandonment like Maresie just mentioned is huge ...and moments like this one send us to the bottom of the pit. I try to remember to feel my self and pay attention to my body and breathe and know that I exist even if my crazy seeming emotions tell me I don't. I cry it out for myself...I try to remember that I can experience this myself...it doesn't matter what he says or does or hears. You have you and your HP.....picture and feel that love. And detatch from his response...you didn't cause it, you can't control it.
I am sorry your heart is breaking Ally, and for him to have handled this through text message was most unsympathetic and cruel. Time will get you through this, and you'll find happiness again. Let him go, dear one. You deserve better. I truly wish I could help. I would if I could.
Sending caring your way, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
oh (((ally))) i can feel your pain thru your words. Right now, I am pretty angry at him, myself, for hurting YOU! You do deserve better. I have abandonment issues myself, and panic when I am alone. It just plain hurts....darn it. What he did was cruel, who knows why people do the things they do..... Sounds like my AH, he maybe just doesn't know how to handle people who love them, maybe think they are not worthy of our love and attention? Be gentle with yourself. Hit your pillow, go somewhere (far away from anyone you might alarm) and just scream. I have done that until I could not stand anymore. The grief and pain and hurt and sorrow and anger have to come out somehow, or it will make you sick. I am speaking from experience. You do not want to end up in the hospital, like I did. Please keep coming back, and come to chat. We need you here. It is hard to see the "this too will pass" but it will. It will. One breath at a time, even when you don't feel like it. I know. Reading your story is like opening up and reading what is written on my own soul. You are important, ally. People love you. You have a good heart. He is just a very sick man, that he cannot accept your love. You know that old saying "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours, if it doesn't, it never was"? Well, I have to disagree with it. You and he were friends for a long time. Some people come into our lives for a season. That does not mean the time we spent with this was not valid, or important, or beautiful. Maybe what you had with him was too beautiful for him to handle. Some people are not equipped emotionally to handle such beauty and honesty. I also keep telling myself the 3 C's, when dealing with others. I bring that thought to mind about 20 times a day, and not just when dealing with A's. I cannot control others. No way. It is hard to accept, but it is true. I am keeping you in my prayers, Ally. MUCH Love in Recovery, Becky1
