For some reason I can move heaven and earth for the A and everyone else and simple acts of caring for myself seem fraught with obstacles I can't overcome.  Ask me to do something for someone else I can move through any kind of red tape. When it comes to myself however I am always getting detoured.  My therapist has challenged me on it this week.  I am stuck on it a lot.  I can see all kinds of "buts".

I always seem to create ways that I can't take care of myself.  I read a book recently about a woman who grew up as I did in tons of deprivation and I related to it a lot. I know I shut down a lot of my needs to survive that.  I'm still on some level shut down and still on some level on survival. 

Right now I am having to work on getting new work (I have a window of maybe 2 weeks before it becomes crucial).  I can do that but I can't stategize how after that I really need to go to the doctor (I have several issues) and the dentist.  They just seem like huge unmeetable issues.  I also of course need to get on with plan b which means taking more actions on saving and strategizing but all I can think about is mere survival.

The A is not working and I believe he has just enough to pay the rent that's it.  He doesn't seem to have that great a motivation to change stuff and goes off into his magical thinking about moving, leaving, running away and how its all everyone elses fault (stuff I used to take very personally and feel I needed to persuade him otherwise about but now don't).  I can go into resentment about how I need a partner who takes care rather than abdicates but I would be treading familiar ground. I know how that ground can become a sink hole in itself.   I can also go into resenting the hell out of him that I had to spend a lot last month taking care of stuff he "should" have.  He didn't. I did.  I made a choice about it I made an informed choice and I took responsibility rather than was a victim about it.

I never seem to get past the pont of survival. In some ways I am doing better. Since November I have not had the kind of crisises I used to reguarly when I felt the world was ending and my only choices was small catastrophe or big catastrophe.  I guess maybe I'm expecting too much to suddenly find life running smoothly. I have to accept life on life's terms, be it awful job (the stuff I encountered at my last job was very very difficult, the job before that was pretty difficult too) and work on ways to deal with that or just keep kicking myself and beating myself down for life not being different.

Maresie.