The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday, I posted about feeling insecure and how I think I function well in a crisis, but the everyday stuff gets me! Well so I opened my big mouth and so last night here comes a "mini" crisis.
the following material may be angering to some: I have not shared it to make anyone uncomfortable or to say bad things about anyone-this is just an issue the family is facing that is "touchy" to some. I am sorry if anyone finds this offensive.
One of my ah's step-daughters lives with her aunt. Well last night we got a call from the aunt and mom b/c she is likes a black boy--sadly this family is very prejudiced and they were all up in arms about this. The aunt and mom were screaming back and forth to each other--the mom is an addict and disappears for months/years at a time--mom is claming they can't blame this on her, while aunt is screaming "of course not, you've never really been around to have helped in any raising of your kids,". They ended up hanging up relatively quickly b/c things got pretty hot over there. So my ah asks me what I think he should do. He is telling me how nuts they have gone. So I said well--look at it this way--she is in the 7th grade, she will be moving to a different state at the end of the school year, this will not last--they're too young, plus you all need to find out why she likes this boy so much, what makes him different from the other boys. I told him-personally I would rather my daughter find her a black boy who treats her with respect and is loving towards her than a white boy who beats her or mistreats her. You need to really look at the big picture.
So he calls them back. His ex answers and he starts to try to calm her down and get her to handle everything rationally. He also tries to get her to read the AA book he sent her, and well all this was working on her nerves. So she started in on him. How he was worthless and she wishes she had never gotten involved with him--yada, yada, yada. I was so proud of him--he kept his cool (which he normally nerver does with her), he told her she was right, and he was sorry for everything, he just wanted to help, etc. She continues to yell at him, so he tells her is going to hang up. So she gets on him for not talking to his step-daughter and he goes ahead and hangs up. (I think he knew he would lose it if he kept listening to her.) So he goes outside to smoke a cigarette, while I am trying to figure out the number to his sponsor cause I just knew he probably needed to talk to him-I was sure she had set him on edge. So he asked me to dial his step-daughter back b/c he couldn't let his being upset with his ex keep him from talking to his daughter. So I dialed the phone, ex answers, I ask to speak to s-d and she goes off on how he can't even call his own sd and etc., so I just stated "all I did was dial the number, could I please talk to s-d", she hands the phone over and starts screaming about how she is going to "kick my a__". I asked how s-d was doing, we talked for a second, and then I passed phone off.
Here is the big moment: My ah told her he loved her no matter what. He would much prefer that she was with a guy who treated her good no matter what his race, than with a guy who treated her bad. Then he went on to say that while she was in her aunt's house, she needed to follow her aunt's rules and if she disobeyed the only person she would be hurting was herself. He told her to go to bed and get some sleep, let things calm down, and then maybe they could talk about things tomorrow. He told her he loved her again and hung up.
Now I am just in awe b/c my ah sounds like a grown-up. I was so proud that he put on his "big boy pants" and handled that all well. I was still nervous that he would let his ex get under his skin. He and I talked about it-I told him what I was worried about. He told me-if I call my sponsor this is waht he will tell me to do-so I'll do that right now with you--looked at his part in everything, then rattled of a gratitude list and that was that.
This man is so different from the one I was living with just 6 months ago. It is amazing how HP can work!!!!
What a fantastic story. I admire your detachment tremendously. I have often tried to control who the A interacts with as a way to protect him. I was super controlling of it. Lately I have stopped its been difficult. I listen when he shares I don't try to force stuff on him. I don't bring up stuff I feel he should feel. Right now he is very angry at his mother. He has reason to be. I don't bring up my own anger at her which is very difficult.
Your AH may have a program and made progress but so have you so I hope you pat yourself on the back and bask in it.
May I suggest next time letting him do the calling/talking He is quite capable of doing so...
He will know when he needs to call his sponsor, you don't need to figure that out for him, this would have been a great time for you to call YOUR sponsor.
However, you kept your cool and it sounds like your husband and you worked through it as a team, and that's progress!!
Moon-you are correct. He is capable of calling his sponsor if he needs to. I just was worried. He asked me why I wanted him to call his sponsor--what I was afraid of--and I explained it to him. We had a good talk about it all, but you are right I needed to stay out of it. But this did help me to see that he can handle things without my help or his sponsor all the time--so I think that will help me let go a little more.
I don't have a sponsor. Our group is extrememly small and I don't really feel comfortable with the other two women there as far as sponsorship goes. This makes really growing difficult, but I am making small steps.
Yes you are (growing), and bravo to you!! Al-anon is the program of babysteps, it's not as life and death as the AA group so take your time and grow gradually!! I am extremely cautious when asking for someone to sponsor me, so I totally understand that you don't have a sponsor.
The reason I mentioned letting him do the calling was that it really wasn't your business, and you're the one who got 'yelled' at by the aunt. Even though it probably didn't bother you, you don't need to voluntarily put yourself in a situation that is or can be abusive.
Hi Dawn you and your A handled that so well. I think it was just beautiful the way you both put what you felt into words about the respect meaning more than the colour of the skin.
He is quite capable of doing so...