The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There's so much anger and resentment in me towards my AH....I don't want it to be there but I don't know how to let go of it. I know all that I'm feeling is not just towards my AH, but also my abusive ex.
I mentioned before that I was married for 23 years to my ex and most of those years he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I didn't even know what abuse was until years after I had tried changing myself so many times for him, so that he would stop being that way to me. It got to the point where there was no "me" anymore and after coming close to physically dying....I told my HP if He just let me live and give me the courage, that I would leave this situation and never look back. And I did. But I didn't realize how much healing I needed from all these years of abuse or that I wouldn't be able to see or judge anything clearly for a long time. I couldn't see anything except that I was finally free!! Or so I thought. But I wasn't free because everything that happened was still inside of me and I locked it deep inside so I wouldn't have to face the pain anymore.
Way to soon I jumped into another relationship with a male friend who I had been corresponding with through emails and phone callse with for a few years. We seemed to want the same things, have the same values, etc. I met him face to face and he seemed to be everything I had ever wanted in a man. Sure he drank a few beers, but then so did most of the men I knew back in my home town and I didn't consider any of them alcoholics. I felt such a spiritual connection between this man and myself, he even wanted the same things in that area too...or so it seemed by everything he wrote and said to me. How was I to know that he was talking under the influence of alcohol and that the next day I wouldn't be able to count on anything he had said then. I lived 4 states away, most of our courtship was through emails, and phone conversations, etc. and honestly, all I wanted to know was that he wasn't going to "abuse" me like my ex did. Now, I'm learning there is all kinds of abuse.
After awhile I left everything that I still held near and dear in my home town (my kids and grandkids, siblings, Mom, etc.) and moved 4 states away to marry this good man. I am always amazed that it seems like the minute you sign your name to the marriage license, Prince Charming disappears and you find yourself married to a total stranger who looks like that Prince Charming but that's where it ends. All of a sudden this man who drank a few beers, now drinks alot of beer and he drinks everyday. Now this man who talked to me, wanted the same things I did, desired me.....is gone and I am left with an AH. And I find myself so filled with anger and resentment that everything he led me to believe....was a lie! I'm not just angry at him.....I'm angry at myself for once again putting my faith and trust in men who for whatever reason, don't seem to know how to be honest with themselves or anyone else. I hope that is not all men, but in my life, it has seemed to be the case everytime.
I know that I'm to blame here too as I should have known I needed alot more healing from all I went through with my ex before even attempting to enter another relationship....much less another marriage. But what's done is done and I just have to go on from here. I don't know if my AH is ever going to get help or even admit he needs it. But I need help because I have no power over my AH or anyone else except myself and my life has become totally unmanageable and filled with anger and resentment. I don't want to spend my life "worrying" about my AH and whether he is going to change or not. I spent all those years with my ex doing that and I'm not going to do it again! I didn't know I had any choices back then, but I know I have choices now.....I also know I don't want to make any choices until I have healing and clarity of mine to make these choices. Right now I just want the anger and resentment to go away!! And sometimes I'm so afraid that it won't ever do this. I joined up here because I felt my HP led me to this place, and I am going to f2f meetings for Al-Anon and CODa for the same reasons. For some reason I felt I couldn't say all this at the Al-Anon meeting....that I'm just supposed to concentrate on the positives there. But I don't know how to walk through the positives without passing through the negatives first.
I don't know if I'm learning to detach from my AH or just shutting myself down where he is concerned so I won't be hurt anymore. At any rate I feel so alone and isolated from the ones I know I can trust and who really love me. I didn't leave everything important to me behind to live my life alone. I came here believing and being led to believe I would finally have a real partner to build a life with. The reality is that is not happening and I have no guarantee it ever will. Yet I'm torn about leaving my AH, I love him but I hate the alcoholic in him that prevents us from having that life together that he promised me.
I know none of you are supposed to give me advice.....I accept that. I'm just hoping some of you'll have walked in my shoes and give examples of what worked for you'll to get past where I am right now. And is it alright to share all this in the Meetings.
My feeling is YES, it is all right to share this at the meetings. If your f2f is the type of meeting where you don't feel that you can say what is actually bothering you, then you might want to look around for another meeting for this time in your recovery. It is true that meetings are not really for 'venting' - that is, bitching about your A. However, your main and underlying problems - how to let go of the past, how to forgive, how to uncover what is in you that drew you to these men who are so bad for you - these are central to the program. You can't get to the positive without without understanding these negatives. Tell the truth at your meetings, otherwise they are useless to you.
You also might want to explore conventional therapy - see a counsellor for a while, to help you find a way to think about all of this. I found it very helpful - just a few sessions gave me a lot of insight that it might have taken years for me to get to, on my own. Just as an example, I saw the parallel between the way my mother had done some things, when I was a child, and one way that my A controlled me - once I realized WHY I allowed this, and why it had the effect it did on me, it no longer had near the power over me it had held.
Wow I could so relate to your post. I feel its the story of my life jumping from one relationship to the next. I have been in my current relationship (a relationship that has definitely changed in the year I have been in alanon)for 6 years. I normally last about 2 years and leave only to jump into the next one which is much the same. On very many levels it it is the same story but for the length of time in the relationship and my ability to look at myself. I didn't have that great an ability (even though I'd had years of therapy) until I came to al anon and started working on the steps and more. I had therapy for a long time and learned a lot of how my past related to the present but not what "I" did.....
I feel that exploring my codependence and my love addiction issues really helps me not to beat myself to a pulp. I am not sure if you are familiar with the names of certain authors who write about how the past influences the present, Pia Melody (excellent on love addiction), Claudia Black (similarly excellent on what issues influence the kind of the behavior you speak about) and Melody Beattie among others. There is also ample Al-anon literature that really helps to manage resentment (which can of course be toxic).
I know for me in doing a fourth step (which was pretty drawn out for me) so much of my anger was towards myself. How could I do it again? These days I know what patterns, looking for rescue, emotional hunger, lack of resources, intense loneliness led me to "jump" into the relationship with the A. There were also ways the A behaved which are explained in some love addiction resources, intriguing (promising in a vague tantalizing way just what I needed) and love bombing (the A could not do enough for me when we were "dating") I felt I had found the one person who really cared and he did care but he was also behaving in ways that were influenced by his past. I can name all those things now but I am still incredibly vulnerable to them. I can understand some of what influences those behaviors now rather than be caught in a cycle of remonstrating, resenting and hating myself for having fallen for them. Nowadays when someone love bombs me I see it. Before I didn't. That is a difference and it is a crucial difference for me because I was totally blind before, vulnerable and lost.
The irony for me these days is that somedays I am grateful for the relationship for the A. I am grateful not because he brought me happiness (he didn't) I am grateful that I finally got here ( I went to al anon lots of times in the past I never was "ready" to make the commitment) and I am grateful I finally got to key issues of how my childhood (which was very abusive) influenced my present. I know I was not motivated to come to al anon before. I had the option (I once lived in a city which had tons of recovery resources) and I was in deep deep denial. I was just talking to a recovery friend about it last night.
I do go to counselling. I have to say its helped some. I used to be a stickler for getting the right expert on whatever issue I was dealing with be it sexual abuse or whatever. Lately due to my low income, I've had mostly interns. I can see them for a low fee. They are good in some ways and not so good in others. They don't really understand al anon for one thing and that could be a source of great great frustration if I'd let it be but I don't. I try not to fixate on what's not great about using them. I also try not to fixate on who I really need (which is someone more experienced) and get into if only's. I can live on if only's and I know where that leads me back to resentment.
I have found this room a wonderful tool. I am limited in my ability to go to al anon. I am limited by financial issues (my finances are a huge issue for me and will probably be for years on end). I am also limited in disability terms. I cannot go to certain rooms because I can't hear that well. I can't go to a room where there is alot of background noise outside because I can't "hear" and miss most of the meeting. I'm also limited in that I have asthma and exposure to smoke is an issue for me. If people are smoking too close to the door I may have an attack and it can take me a day or more to come back when I have an attack (not to mention that I can't afford to go to an emergency room if I have one). So I tend to come here as much as I can rather than go out and find the place where I could "go" just at the moment. In time I hope to find one or more and I look forward to that...but for now I come here and find incredible inspiration, knowledge and solace. There are frustrations in coming here. For some reason the chat room is sometimes difficult to get into and more but I try to ride them. I know when I was mired in resentment dealing with any frustration was difficult and that is one of the catch 22's of seeking out help that there is no ideal solution and one has to experiment and be willing to be sometimes disappointed.
lin0606 wrote: My feeling is YES, it is all right to share this at the meetings. If your f2f is the type of meeting where you don't feel that you can say what is actually bothering you, then you might want to look around for another meeting for this time in your recovery. It is true that meetings are not really for 'venting' - that is, bitching about your A.However, your main and underlying problems - how to let go of the past, how to forgive, how to uncover what is in you that drew you to these men who are so bad for you - these are central to the program. You can't get to the positive without without understanding these negatives. Tell the truth at your meetings, otherwise they are useless to you.
You also might want to explore conventional therapy - see a counsellor for a while, to help you find a way to think about all of this. I found it very helpful - just a few sessions gave me a lot of insight that it might have taken years for me to get to, on my own. Just as an example, I saw the parallel between the way my mother had done some things, when I was a child, and one way that my A controlled me - once I realized WHY I allowed this, and why it had the effect it did on me, it no longer had near the power over me it had held.
Thank you for what you have said here, especially what is in bold type. Sometimes our lives are so "messed up" that we cannot figure out the truth for ourselves, yet seeing it written above it is clear to me what you said "is" a big part of my problem. And while I was reading some posts by others, I saw another truth for me too. This other truth is that I am "grieving" the death of what I believed to be true versus what really is true here.
I've got a long way to go....but it's a comfort to know I'm headed in the right direction and that there are others who have already walked this way and can offer comfort, honesty and encouragement as I journey to healing and wholeness.
maresie2 wrote: Wow I could so relate to your post. I feel its the story of my life jumping from one relationship to the next. I have been in my current relationship (a relationship that has definitely changed in the year I have been in alanon)for 6 years. I normally last about 2 years and leave only to jump into the next one which is much the same. On very many levels it it is the same story but for the length of time in the relationship and my ability to look at myself. I didn't have that great an ability (even though I'd had years of therapy) until I came to al anon and started working on the steps and more. I had therapy for a long time and learned a lot of how my past related to the present but not what "I" did.....
I feel that exploring my codependence and my love addiction issues really helps me not to beat myself to a pulp. I am not sure if you are familiar with the names of certain authors who write about how the past influences the present, Pia Melody (excellent on love addiction), Claudia Black (similarly excellent on what issues influence the kind of the behavior you speak about) and Melody Beattie among others. There is also ample Al-anon literature that really helps to manage resentment (which can of course be toxic).
I know for me in doing a fourth step (which was pretty drawn out for me) so much of my anger was towards myself. How could I do it again? These days I know what patterns, looking for rescue, emotional hunger, lack of resources, intense loneliness led me to "jump" into the relationship with the A. There were also ways the A behaved which are explained in some love addiction resources, intriguing (promising in a vague tantalizing way just what I needed) and love bombing (the A could not do enough for me when we were "dating") I felt I had found the one person who really cared and he did care but he was also behaving in ways that were influenced by his past. I can name all those things now but I am still incredibly vulnerable to them. I can understand some of what influences those behaviors now rather than be caught in a cycle of remonstrating, resenting and hating myself for having fallen for them. Nowadays when someone love bombs me I see it. Before I didn't. That is a difference and it is a crucial difference for me because I was totally blind before, vulnerable and lost.
The irony for me these days is that somedays I am grateful for the relationship for the A. I am grateful not because he brought me happiness (he didn't) I am grateful that I finally got here ( I went to al anon lots of times in the past I never was "ready" to make the commitment) and I am grateful I finally got to key issues of how my childhood (which was very abusive) influenced my present. I know I was not motivated to come to al anon before. I had the option (I once lived in a city which had tons of recovery resources) and I was in deep deep denial. I was just talking to a recovery friend about it last night.
I do go to counselling. I have to say its helped some. I used to be a stickler for getting the right expert on whatever issue I was dealing with be it sexual abuse or whatever. Lately due to my low income, I've had mostly interns. I can see them for a low fee. They are good in some ways and not so good in others. They don't really understand al anon for one thing and that could be a source of great great frustration if I'd let it be but I don't. I try not to fixate on what's not great about using them. I also try not to fixate on who I really need (which is someone more experienced) and get into if only's. I can live on if only's and I know where that leads me back to resentment.
I have found this room a wonderful tool. I am limited in my ability to go to al anon. I am limited by financial issues (my finances are a huge issue for me and will probably be for years on end). I am also limited in disability terms. I cannot go to certain rooms because I can't hear that well. I can't go to a room where there is alot of background noise outside because I can't "hear" and miss most of the meeting. I'm also limited in that I have asthma and exposure to smoke is an issue for me. If people are smoking too close to the door I may have an attack and it can take me a day or more to come back when I have an attack (not to mention that I can't afford to go to an emergency room if I have one). So I tend to come here as much as I can rather than go out and find the place where I could "go" just at the moment. In time I hope to find one or more and I look forward to that...but for now I come here and find incredible inspiration, knowledge and solace. There are frustrations in coming here. For some reason the chat room is sometimes difficult to get into and more but I try to ride them. I know when I was mired in resentment dealing with any frustration was difficult and that is one of the catch 22's of seeking out help that there is no ideal solution and one has to experiment and be willing to be sometimes disappointed.
Maresie.
Thank you too but honestly sharing with me. What I have bolded that you spoke speaks volumes to me personally too although I am not familiar with this "love bombing" etc, that you speak of. Thank you for the authors you mentioned, some I am familiar with and some not but I will check out their books to help me understand just what you are talking about here.
Sometimes I feel I have so far to go.....but it's good to be walking in the right direction this time.
I haven't been exactly where you are, but I know those feelings of resentment. They creep up every once in a while. I don't like feeling them when they do. All I can do is try and work through them. I ask myself is this really about my A or about me? Sometimes it's the former, other times, the latter. But the feelings do pass. Recently alot of "old baggage" has been cropping up for me lately. It has nothing to do with my A. And when I think about it, I had a really happy childhood the majority of the time. But for whatever reason, I'm feeling things that are starting to affect the way I react to my A and at work. I might need some professional help on this. I've got insurance to pay for it. I guess I'm just not quite ready to dig that deep yet. So what I'm saying is that: you're doing the best you can at this moment. You did the best you could in your past. We can't change that. There's no point in beating yourself up about it. But we can move foward and learn how to deal with things in a different way.
Please keep coming here and posting. This is a great place and safe place to vent. No one thinks that you're "bitching" about your A. We are all trying to work through issues. Sometimes it's easier to put them down on paper.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
i sure can empathize. i've been trying very hard to give my anger and resentments to my HP (whom i choose to call God). they (the anger and resentment) have served me only pain, grief and misery. i've felt the feelings, and now i know that if i REACT OR RESPOND to those feelings, it mostly will come back on me. that is my life lesson. anyhoo - i thought i'd share that bit with you. Take care of yourself, and keep coming back.
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
