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I’m in some desperate need of ES&H. For those of you that don’t know I live with my active AH. On the weekends usually in the mornings, while sober he will go into a fit of rage. It always starts with the kids not doing what they are supposed to do and then it goes on from there. This past weekend was so bad he was vibrating and saying he was going to have a nervous breakdown. He scares me when he gets like this, he has never hit me but there is always a first. I asked him to leave but he wouldn’t go. He sat there and screamed at our oldest son (14). Finally he went to the garage and did what he needed to do to calm down (probably smoked a joint) and came back in and everything was ok. The next few days he behaves ok because he knows he messed up badly.
My question to you is how do I defuse the situation or do I even try? Do I call the cops and have him taken away in front of the kids? Do I step in and protect the kids or just leave it alone? I just want him gone and I am having a hard time getting that point across to him.
Hi, I feel like you wrote what I go thru word for word except the ages of your kids. I don't have alot of advice, just that I've been reading to be prepared to leave- have some money set aside , a place to go and bags already packed just in case. If you are like me then you probably feel like he should leave and not you. I have no idea how to accomplish this without severely hurting the kids. He's not going anywhere anytime soon. Wishing you stregnth and hope, Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I'm afraid I don't know how to get someone out of the house, if he does not want to go. That was what always kept me with my A - I asked him to leave a few times, and he just laughed at me. I didn't want to take the kids from their home, so I just toughed it out.
One thing that helped with me was having a packed bag, with a few days clothes, and some money, in the trunk of my car. I had made a vow to myself, that the next time I felt I had to take the kids and spend the night in a motel, I would not come back ( I had done it twice, and it was obvious that this would just ecome another standard part of our fights, if nothing changed. It was killing the kids). For some reason, this helped me deal with his rages better - knowing that I could leave, and was willing to leave, toned everything down. I could say "OK, this is bad, but not so bad, I think we'll be ok tonight" and not react to him. I found a measure of detachment that way, and it defused a lot of the bad situations. LIke you, he did not hit me, but he was coming closer and closer every time.
I think you should take as clear and honest a look at your situation as you can, and determine if you and your children are really in any danger. If you feel you are, there are women's shelters that could give you practical advice. If you called and explained things, they could probably tell you some useful stuff. If you don't actually feel you are in danger, I would advise getting to meetings, as often as you can. Diving into the program should help to ease the situation at home, as you learn better ways to react to his behaviour. Once you get some clarity from some time in the program, you will know better what to do.
Another thing that helped me was to recognize that rage was his way of dealing with ALL emotion. Anger, yes, but also hurt, guilt, insecurity, disappointment - they all came out as rage. My anger and resentment of HIM, along with the guilt he felt for his actions, fueled a lot of the rages. Once I stopped getting so hurt and taking it all so personally, he didn't feed off of me so much, and everything calmed a bit. This is not to say that his rages are your fault, but rather that the whole dynamic in the house probably spirals around, building off of itself and both of you, like a hurricane. If you can remove your part, there is just that much less noise and fury going around.
I am afraid I don't have any experience with getting them out. (I was too busy trying to keep her in! ) But I just wanted to acknowledge your share. Getting prepared as the others have suggested sounds like a good thing to do, even if it is just calling the police or a shelter to discuss your options for the next time something happens. Perhaps they could explain a good way to get him to leave. Please take care of yourself and the kids.
I once got a restraining order against my A / Drug user it was classified under DV because they condiered raging behavior in front of/toward children abusive. Also cited finding needles, throwing things, screaming at kids etc. They called it a kick out order and when he was served he had to leave immediately. The cops would stay and watch him get a few things and then that's that. Just fyi, it was really hard to do at the time but nothing worthwhile is easy they say.
Wow Lin's post really spoke to me because that is a lot of the A I live with. Everything is experienced as rage, any frustration, any resentment whatever is experienced as rage. I got a lot of insight from it. I personally use one of the al anon tools to deal with this I don't contribute anything to the fire. When he's raging I don't say much. My therapist terms this as withdrawl when it is actually anything but that. I let him rage on and on. I ask him to calm down sometimes in a sort of nonchalant voice not with emotions. It seems to me that any emotion I express builds on his. There is a whole cognitive science around this, trust al -anon to find it. When he is calmer I do then express my feelings that I don't appreciate where and how he rages. Lately the A has been better I don't expect him to get much better without any treatment.
For me the issue with the A's acting out in various ways was not helped by the battered women's resources. The shelter was not an option for me. I work odd hours, I have pets (which I couldn't take there). I could not exercise that option. I managed to find an agency that validated that for me rather than "should" me on it. I do think some counselling helps. I think it helps me to see the kind of double binds the A puts me in and name them. I don't get swallowed up by them.
For me personally it was also a good idea to start working a plan b. I have worked some of it in getting to a place of beginning to separate some of the A's mutual belongings from mine. For some of us that's a long job. You may meet people here who will tell you how they did it. Some people do it quickly some others like me take a while. I am loathe to leave without a clear exit. I have left other situations only to get into much worse situations so that is one of my issues.
I know all about the responsibility issue. I feel the A I live with has always been very irresponsible about lots of things. I have had to step in and be responsible. He doesn't acknowledge it he tries to flout it and he is often looking for more ways to manipulate me.
The nature of living with an alcoholic is very difficult. There are tools in al anon that can help not make it swallow you up. I have had to also look at ways I have behaved that made the situation worse. I had regular shouting screaming matches with the A. After a year here that has changed. I found it hard to make that change I felt my anger and my behavior at the A was totally justified. I could justify anything I did because he behaved so terribly. I raged and raged and raged at him. I blamed him for everything. I wanted him to be so different than he was or could be. I also felt really jealous of his ability to act out and expect me to help him. I knew if I got myself in certain situations he would not help out. There was a lot of enmeshment there for me, there still is. I work every day to uncover it and work on ways to improve myself. I don't do it for him to get him sober I do it for me that is the difference, the radical difference for me. Before my sole focus was on him and how he was now most of my focus is one me and how I can improve not for anyone else but me.
I don't have much I can say to you. I've never experienced this. But I know you have great strength, talk to your sons, get their feelings on this. And I trust you will do the right thing. And If you think hes going to become violent, just get out.
Big Hugs for you ((((((((((((((((((((((Hen))))))))))))))))))))))
Your first priority is to the well being and safety of you and your children. Trust your instinct. Better to have a"false alarm" than a broken arm or God forbid worse. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers tonight.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
) But I just wanted to acknowledge your share. Getting prepared as the others have suggested sounds like a good thing to do, even if it is just calling the police or a shelter to discuss your options for the next time something happens. Perhaps they could explain a good way to get him to leave. Please take care of yourself and the kids.
