(((MIP Friends)))

Tomorrow one year ago my now AH and I split up.  Everything moved so quickly.  My AH was drinking very heavily then.  I was a mess.  I was frustrated beyond belief and my life seemed to be surrounded by chaos, anger, resentment, manipulation, constant bickering.  We both had had enough.  My A was tired of my anger and resentment about his drinking.  I was constantly putting the mirror up to his face to show him the wrong choices he was constantly making.  My anger and resentment and constant haranguing was getting in the way of his drinking and freedom.  So during a fight I screamed "get out!" and so he did.  He ran into the arms of another woman he'd met at work two weeks prior.  I had some suscipion there was someone at work interested in him because she kept calling the house.  I had no idea that he told her we were just "roommates".  He was really detached from me, emotionally and physically.  She was just waiting in the wings to rescue him. 
The course of that next seven weeks was agonizing, but now I can see necessary to go through.  I was forced to deal with my emotions of anger and resentment.  I was forced to look at what part I'd played in the demise of my relationship.  Everyone here on this website was so wonderful.  I don't think I would have gleaned as much insight has I had without this program and the support of this group.  So thank you all for that. 

Once I admitted I was powerless over the drinking and the situation at hand, I began honestly looking at myself.  I realized how much time and energy I was giving up by involving myself so much in what my A was doing.  I finally began letting go and letting my HP lead me to doing the next right thing for myself.  Things got very nasty between my A and I and one evening it just all came to head and clicked for me.  I knew I still loved my A very much, I had no idea if there was even a chance to salvage our relationship.  What I finally understood was I was going to be o.k. no matter what happened.  If my A continued to drink, I'd be o.k. If I was supposed to be a single mother it would be o.k.  I knew I wanted my family back together, but felt very sure that in order to do that I'd have to follow program and really put boundaries on the things that I felt uncomfortable with.  Somehow my A and I reconciled that next day, but the hard work was still to come.  He struggled with his drinking for two more months.  I focused hard on keeping out of his business and began living my life again. 

Today, I'm just thankful to be alive.  I'm thankful for those rough times because I do believe my AH and I have grown so much.  I don't feel a constant anger and resentment pulling at me.  When I do get angry I have a reason for getting angry and then I simply state why I'm angry.  If I'm inappropriate with my anger, I am able to see that relatively quickly now and make amends for it as soon as possible.  I have more compassion for myself and my AH.  We are not done yet.  He's still using pot to cope with his emotions.  I still have fears, especially with abandonment and rejection, but we are both in counseling to deal with that.  I look back a year ago and I'm amazed at the growth I have achieved.  It gives me hope that the issues I still have can be overcome with a little perserverance and HP.  I have hope that one day my AH will be off all substances and continue striving to be the person that he wants to be.  We are not perfect people and we screw up all the time.  This program is teaching me that its o.k. to screw up and its o.k. to not be so perfect.  I have accepted that I have personality flaws and I'm still learning about them, working this program is giving me the tools I never had to change those personality flaws into gems.  Some of my personality stuff is what makes me, me.  The same is true for my AH.  So I'll just keep taking it one day at a time and remembering that when we slip its the not the end of the world and its going to be o.k. 

Thanks for being here and thanks for listening.

Peace,
Twinmom~