The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the most Important things in my life has always been "TRUST". I have never had much of it. I have always had so many insecurities, believing I was different from everyone else. I had this label on me, I could not be normal. Etc..... So when I joined Al-Anon the first thing I had to learn, was to trust my fellow members.
We are disclosing things from our past that has brought us so much hurt, embarassment, shame, and we have kept these things in our heads for so long. To now release some of this, is a wonderful feeling for us. We are sharing and understanding for the first time in our lives, we are NOT alone. Others have been where we have struggled for most of our lives.
When I go to f2f I can say whatever, cry, get hugs, just be me. And trust the circle of members who are with me.
So I feel when we come into MIP..... We should also feel the same atmosphere in the room.
I would like to remind people, It Is so easy to get caught up in gossip and critisism, laugh or run people down. So we are not perfect, but would we like to be on the receiving end of that gossip. No I don't think so.
Remember we are a lifeline for eachother. In times of distress, or pain, we will always be here for eachother. And should be able to come into chat without having the old feeling of being an outsider again.
"TRUST" is a major part of each and everyones recovery. If we don't have eachother, what do we have.
(((ally))) Yes, in the perfect world this is how we would like it to be. But I have found I cannot trust everyone. There are many people here with different problems and coming from different places, different situations etc. Some, are here a very long time with a wealth of recovery to share. Some are here a very long time with very little recovery to share. Alanon has also given me the choice to not involve myself with people I feel are not good for me. It's no different then life outside Alanon, we just can't trust everyone for various reasons.
On the other hand, I have made what I feel are life long friends in Alanon. The amount of people I can count on and trust far outweigh those that I can't. I just can't let things get in the way of my own recovery.
Take care Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 12:32, 2007-02-05
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Trust is a central, but delicate part of growth for each individual. One of the difficult things about the message board is that we get to know eachother through bits and pieces. Some of us spill our guts (*raises hand* Guilty!); others do not. Some of us openly ask for feed back (*raises hand* Guilty); others do not (maybe they just need to vent; maybe they, like me at one time, dont have the tools to ask for feedback; maybe they, like me, just need to be acknowledged for what they ARE doing). Some of us are just looking for the reassurance that our loved one's alcholism is NOT our fault (raises hand). But there's a catch here. In light of HOW we get to know each other, sometimes we DON'T get to know each other. We get GLIMPSES into eachother's lives, small doses of eachother's daily minutae. And we don't always discuss it--we don't always discuss how alcholism affects our attitudes about money, about sex, about our kids, about ourselves. But these issues are IMPORTANT--so important that our CAL supports pamphlets, pages in our books, and parts in our 4th steps for it. So then what to do? Do we not respond to a post that maybe we can help another--in light of how we don't know the whole story? Do we take the risk of saying the wrong thing--and getting ourselves chewed out (been there!)? I've got nothing. It's a balencing act. But then again, so is human relations. And there's a reason that human communication is an industry known as advertising.
I apologize for interjecting, since I am new to this online forum stuff, but I have a question for you all who have been here a while. In Al-Anon meetings, they say take what you like and leave the rest. It would seem to me it would be easier to do here than f2f. also, I believe that we offer support by NOT judging, NOT condemning, and for that matter NOT giving unsolicited advice. we are only to offer our perspectives on an issue as it applies to our own lives and how it may help others. are these forums different??? I certainly hope not because I can use much more than the 1-2 meetings I can make any week. If this environment is not in the spirit of Al-Anon principles, please let me know...
When i arrived here I was not aware that trust was one of my many problems. Why I walked into a room ful of strangers and shared Me with them still baffles me to this day . thru the yrs I have learned who I can trust and wh* en it's safe to share my really personal suff I do so.When there is somene in the room I don' trust I go to my sponsor. I have learned that if I share at group level f2f , I really don't care where it goes from there as I have already figured out the solution .Now do I gossip , yes occasioally every one I know ticks me off and I have a friend that I trust with my life , I go to her run every one down that is ticken me off and know that as she says *she will boil in oil before she repeats it and for the last 20 yrs she has kept her promise so I leave her home feeling better an no one has been hurt . (works for me ) As for those who ffeel the need to share my stuff they have thier own agenda and I really am not interested in what it is . I leave it for them to figure it out or not. today I trust God and me period . Louise
i have similar feelings, et al. one of my handicaps, trusting others to hold my confidences. so far, i feel i have a total of ME, HP, and 1 other friend that i can be totally open with... which is progress -- in the beginning, i had ME... came to al-anon and took HP off the dusty shelf and had ME and HP... then program friend became a part, and that is where i am at.
Teddy Rooseveldt said, in context of foreign relations, "speak softly and carry a big stick." it is much the same with my trusting. i open up with most people, but never to a point where i could be hurt by sharing too much... i don't want them to have that power over me, at least, until they have totally-- and i mean, totally, have gained my trust.
Reading what I just wrote, I feel that I'm a little uneasy with putting those feelings down; they are true, but I think may have revealed a defect of mine. Anyhow, I'm grateful to be here at MiP, because my anonymity is secure -- i have been vigilant to keep it so.
aye yey yai work on me left to be done love always cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Thank you for posting this Ally. I have been struggling with some people gossiping here and saying things about me that are hurtful and untrue. As I regard this place as a place of healing, learning, and sharing, I hate that I have to deal with this kind of thing here. I have learned that what others think of me is their problem, but, it still doesn't help to hear from others what someone has been saying about me and I am openly asking that it stop.
I have been hurt enough with dishonesty and didn't expect to see it here where we are all needing help and seeking support from each other in our path to recovery and discovery. With that said, I forgive whoever has been spreading the rumours and ask that they stop and start working on their own recovery.
Trust is huge here for me too!!! I had NO ONE I could trust for a long time in my life growing up so the first person who would say "You can trust me" I got screwed so I really have a difficult time with "Trusting" anyone...
I have learned being in the program to really GET to KNOW people before trusting them by opening up and dumping my guts to them...... I was even in this program when my trust was destoryed by a AA/AL-ANON sponsor in my area IT was AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! SO again my trust is shaky but i am learning who I can and cannot trust.....
Thanks for the great post. I too have learned who I can and can't trust. I feel that people that like to gossip about others are still very ill. I feel that they are not working their program. I love the saying .... when people are sick i step back so they don't through up on me. People are as sick as their secrets and I think that people are as sick as the drama that they create as well.
So if and when there is gossip about you please consider the source and step back so you don't get pulled in.
