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I prayed over posting and decided to. I wasnt going to however i feel the need and i will follow that need and do this. I will say as i always say take what you like. If you follow the alanon program this post shouldnt affect you, its me expressing what i need to so i can let it go, which i already have. I will share it now and hope that it brings you esh.
I see alot of new members in the room that have joined over the last few months. I have also seen a lot of gossip and criticizm, from new and not so new. Expecially about me and this is the reason for my post, I have done this post i dont know how many times. I can assure you this will be the very last of this topic.
I know exactly what the gossip is, i know every single person who has gossiped about me just this week. I also know what was said. Do you think im affected? If you say yes your wrong. Alot of you think i am the same person i was last year and i find that funny. Almost two years now. My mother died two years ago and i did lash out at alot in the room, alot had to take me into pm to calm me down. My mothers death blew me away. It was completely unexpected and my family was very mean to me when i was caring for her all alone without support however i did it and i got through it not without making alot of mistakes. Not without focusing so much on others so i wouldnt feel the extreme amount of pain i was in. That was so very easy for me to do. I was so focused on the words and actions of others i became obessed and eventually i was not in a position to be of service any longer. I was told that and again i lashed out.
That was two years ago. Now i will share with you what i learned from my own gossip and criticism of others that i did in the room for over a year, and you know what?? AFter all the lashing i did, all the messages i recieved that told me to stop, and how much i was hurting other members, i still didnt stop all i saw was my own rage and anger and obsesssion i couldnt hear nothing else was to exhausted, after all that i still didnt get banned only deoped which was good for the entire room. I am glad i had that experience for if i didnt i may still be doing it.
I have learned that it is a defense for me to focus on others so i dont have to look at myself. i couldnt stand to take a good look at who i was cause i already hated me and looking at it more i thought it would increase to a point i wouldnt be albe to return from.
So any of you can tell me what others said, you can tell me what is being said, what you say, you can tell me this in anger, or for my own information, or for whatever reason. Has zero effect on me not in the least. I am recovered alot more than i ever have been and i learnt detachment . For that i am grateful however not perfect all of the time and i do need to talk it out with other more recovered members to sort it out. That is o k with me because i wasnt made perfect. IT is my mistakes that come from my biggest lessons and growth in life. So i welcome them now instead of picking up a baseball bat and beating myself up and going to someone in hyperness and anger they said this how dare they blah blah blah. I try not to. I do sometimes get lost as this way of thinking is still new to me.
My anger extreme anger last year is not a reflection of the person i am. IT wasnt then and it isnt now. It was a reflection of my pain and chaos of what i was going through at that time and thats it. Anger resentment chaos drama doesnt tell you who i am, it shows you my pain. No one that gossips about me has taken the time to know me for the person i truly am and that doesnt affect me either. i dont know how many times i have said sorry for this behaviour and i will not in this post because i do not have to i did my part made amends to the people i felt needed it and let it go. Not my problem if they accepted it or not, my side of the street is clean and my consicious is clear.
What you say about me has no affect any longer, my only concern about it is that it is harmful to all involved and far from the alanon program. None of you walk in my shoes and not many of you know me because i havent shown you. I come to this program for me and me only. If my words can help another then thats a bonus. I do not care who likes me or nor it is not my concern nor my problem, i do not feel a need to be accepted by all anymore because i am learning how to accept me for who i am and that is good enough for me. By you talking about me someone else is being left alone and that in my opinion is ok with me.
I have also seen my service critizied and again it doesnt affect me. I do my best and if im wrong i hope the founder of this site would tell me what i am doing wrong in my service so i can work to correct it.
I know we are all in pain, i know its impossible to like everyone in these rooms especially since we come in here so very lost and takes a long time to find our way in true recovery. I finally am on that road. The things i did in the past i have forgiven myself for as i did the best i could with what i had. What you say about me has zero impact on me or my life. It shows me your pain and how much your focus is off. I can completely understand what this is like. Hating to gossip and not knowing how to end it. I am not judging any one of you, only showing you a more recovered side of myself that you say you do not see. I know how to walk this talk finally for the first time in my life. Again not perfectly as im just human. I have found hp and understand why i do the things i do or said the things i said.
knowing all i know now and walked the path of negativity i can now work to find out what it is like to walk the path of faith. I am learning how to be true to myself even if others dont agree. It is me that has to live with myself no one else. I have a responsibilty to myself and if i choose something i dont want it is me that i harm.
I invite any of you, if you want to know who kerry is. Send me a pm if you want to talk of how to improve or how i have if you want to talk about recovery and how to get there i can give esh. If you want to joke around with me just let me know and i would be glad to chat with you and show you the positive side of myself.
This room has saved my life and i will not leave no matter what. If you all hated my guts i would not leave, I come here for my recovery and i take what i like and leave the rest and will continue to do so until i choose not to come here anymore which wont be anytime soon. I will learn more about walking the talk. I will leave all the bad stuff behind. This post will allow me to do this. I will reach recovery and i will take in as much as i can, i will have that spiritual awakening. I will be ok. I am learning how (not there yet) to love and accept myself for who i am. I havent dont this yet however i like myself a ton more than i did two years ago. I Hope you all will be able to one day also.
I love you all every single one of you even the ones that speak of me in negativity . I know what you are going through as i was there not very long ago. All you have to do is make a choice which path you want to take and take it. Then live with the consequences of that path. Negative or positive there is always a result that comes from a choice we make.
Kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 16:31, 2007-02-04
__________________
Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
We're all in recovery here, and all at different stages. There isn't a person here who hasn't made bad choices - said something that shouldn't have been said, didn't say something that needed to be said. Thanks for pointing out that it's all part of the process - the bad as well as the good.
I thought about responding to this privately. I really did. I've been doing that alot lately. I've gotten a few really hateful messages; "People are talking;" "Things are being said;" "There is talk;" "you don't know;" "how dare you;" I'm ready to burst out in tears, kerry. You just sent a rush of relief through my system. That you had the courage to post this is giving me the courage to post again. I don't want to come into chat; I don't know who's there, or, god forbid, what they're saying to who. I don't want to respond to anyone on the board; but I can't not in good conscience because it was the risks many of you took to respond to me when I was in my dire hours, and YES, GIVE ME TOUGH LOVE, EVEN THOUGH I WANTED YOUR PITY. There. I said it. I wanted your pity. You patted my hand. Gave me a hug. Then, you said GET A GRIP. GROW UP. IT'S A DISEASE. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. DEAL WITH YOU. I am so greatful to you kerry. So greatful.
want to send you a ((((((BiGHuG))))...(((Take care of You))) i very much appreciate you for all your servicework , the experience, strength and hope in your shares and your posts. dont know about all the other "stuff" but it IS.....just stuff. . Let it Go. Alanon is about You and Your Recovery. I think your doing great. I love you too.
Keep moving Forward Keep Looking uP your friend in recovery .....
Hello kerry, I learned alot from you during that time when your mom was ill. See, now I am going through a similiar thing with problems with my siblings etc. and both my parents being ill. So, thank you for sharing in the room back then. We learn from those that share no matter if they are new in the program or not. I have seen you grow and change alot too. Thanks for your honest post. Serenity
Before I read your post, I was thinking about my job, and all the gossip that goes on there, and how I hate it. I was thinking about some co-workers who are SO phoney, and how I used (will explain the "used to like down lower )to like to come to this room. The people so real, so warm, human. I was thinking, geesh, I was thinkiing, what goes on in the room, stays in the room, how nice, really, no gossip. I was thinking, what a great meeting it was on Friday, In the few meetings I have been at, this one was of the best for me, great shares, so great, and Fish night, that was sooooo much fun. I was thinking, I"m gonna get on here, and make a post about Fish night, it was so fun. I was tgonna thank you next time I saw you, thank you for being part of my recovery, and a few other things that you problably aren't aware of, but I will send you in IM. Then I read your post. And I still like the room, maybe even more, I see real feeling in that post, a real person, though I haven't heard gossip, it has been there, that is part of life, I hear the pain, part of life,and hear joy at you recovery, again, all emotions, action, reactions,life, not phone, all very real.
This is what I want in my room, real people,realitly, not drama though. We are all human, and humans make the room, Dayum, don't think I am typoing what I want to say, not good with words. How about a big HUGS.
Don't know if this makes sense, but in week that I have been coming here, I am getting strengh, and you have been part of this process, thank you.
Also, I say I used to like coming to the room, now I LOVE it, chit chat, serious meeting, and Fishnight to relax and be silly, Glad you not leaving
Sincerely Eve
Juat hope that didn't sound like a rambling lunatic typing.
Thank you to all the ones who replyed here your kind words mean alot to me and gave me a warm feeling inside, all of them, :) I thank you for all you said to me in private message and here
The Good the Bad is all experience we can learn from. lol Just remember in life take what ya like and leave the rest and we will all be fine!
Thank you all again
Love yas
See you soon
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 19:19, 2007-02-05
-- Edited by kerry5 at 19:20, 2007-02-05
__________________
Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
You are inpiration to me!!! I love ya girl and I am glad you are here!!!!!
When I first started coming here you were here sharing your deep down pain about losing your MOM.... I was glad to know I wasn't the only one going through tough times alone because on the other side of your computer screen I too was fighting my own battle of Anger resentment pain and tons more!!! When I came to this program the first thing i learned was to not Gossuip about others Cause before program I was the worst gossuiper in the world and I hurt lots of people and myself..... I too have made my admends and clean up my side of the street and deep inside.....
Kerry i have seen so much growth in you.. If someone wants to gossiup then it is about them and not you and what they think about you is none of your buisness....
Thanks for your heartfelt share and Again Kerry I love ya keep coming back and sharing your ES&H....
Tiger2006 wrote: I don't want to come into chat; I don't know who's there, or, god forbid, what they're saying to who.
I think this is a wise decision. LOL.
My experience the whole 2 hours I was in there was very insightful. My first two sentences someone asked me if I "go by another name?" They thought I was another person posting under my name. It was strange, should've given me the red flag to get out, but I had to experience the dysfunction myself. Don't get me wrong I had some great conversations with some people. People were nice, people were rude, people were defensive, people were, well....more in their sickness than recovery. I'd rather surround myself with more recovery, but that's just my experience, what's that term? Oh yeah, take whatcha like and leave the rest... he he May we all stay on the path of recovery. And about gossip, don't people who gossip know they reap what the sow?
BTW if I had a conversation with you in chat, I enjoyed every single one of them...there is a learning process to everything life gives us. I was able to take a look at my own behavior and grow from each of the experiences that I had there, and I hope you did as well. And I thank each one of you for your time, in the al-anon chat room.
Kerry, I didn't know you last year, I don't know you now. But if you are serving in al-anon I wish you the wisdom and compassion to serve. I think it's wonderful that you have stepped up and are continuing to grow
HuG))))...
(((Take care of You))) i very much appreciate you for all your servicework , the experience, strength and hope in your shares and your posts. dont know about all the other "stuff"
but it IS.....just stuff. 
. Let it Go. Alanon is about You and Your Recovery. I think your doing great. 
I love you too.
Keep Looking uP
your friend in recovery .....
It was strange, should've given me the red flag to get out, but I had to experience the dysfunction myself. Don't get me wrong I had some great conversations with some people. People were nice, people were rude, people were defensive, people were, well....more in their sickness than recovery. I'd rather surround myself with more recovery, but that's just my experience, what's that term? Oh yeah, take whatcha like and leave the rest... he he