The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes I am actually jelous of my AH...a small part of me envy's his seemingly carefree existance with the bartender skank in the smoke filled trailor. No bills, no nagging wife, no children throwing up at 3 o'clock in the morning, no toilets to plunge or dog poo to pick up. just a carefree existance where his only obligations are going to work, maintaining a constant supply of beer for the fridge, and the rest will be taken care of by me back at home.
I sometimes wonder what their evenings are like...are they filled with candlelight, giggles and roses, or cigarettes and slurring? Does he have any regrets at dawn or even a hangover for that matter? He never seemed to be hungover when living at home. Is he finally satisfied and fulfilled, wondering why he waited so long to leave the kids and I? Does living a life without having to feel the pain that he has inflicted on others work, I mean really work? Is he in a state of bliss now that he is with someone who gives him the freedom to deny reality? Is he truly gratful to her for providing the long awaited sanctuary he has been craving so long for, even placing her on a pedestal (shaky as it may be).
She must really be some woman to encourage him to give up his children, wife, pride, morals, future, friends, Christmas mornings, summer nights at Disneyland, Sunday morning breakfasts, clean sheets, clean air, a warm meal and hugs every night, plenty of toilet paper and toothpaste, and a future.....or is "She" simply alcohol?
For me at least the envy and resentment went hand in hand. I envied the A's friends who got the better side of him. At one time I got the better side, for years it was just the dark side. Since I have been in al anon lately the better side has come out more. I do know well the dark side.
I do know for me life with an active A means often all or nothing. Either the A is working night and day or not at all. Either he is adoring his friends or hating them. There is no middle ground.
For me recovery is a lot about middle ground. That doesn't mean I don't have really serious emotions. I do. I still get angry, sad, lonely and more. I just these days work to moderate them more.
I think we have all envied the life of the A - it looks so carefree. Meanwhile, here we are, being the grownup... One thing is to remember that we also get all the benefits of being a truly adult human being, actively participating in our lives, rather than running from them and hiding in a bottle. Also, if you have never been to an open AA meeting, you might want to go to one or two. Listen to their stories - believe me, under the facade of blissful drunken unconcern, most of them are living in hell. There is nothing to be jealous of.
As you learn more about alcoholism and addiction in general, you'll learn it's power. As addiction grows stronger, it takes more and more of a person's soul, driving them further and further from the values they once held dear. Whatever she is to him, I doubt that it is based in any true feelings. He is numb to his feelings, and probably needs it that way. Sometimes the guilt and remorse are too much for them, even if you are thinking "he doesn't act like he feels bad about his choices'.....Alcoholism is a disease of choices, so it is hard to feel compassion for them. The more I read about what it does to them, the better I was able to understand my own AH powerlessness. Compassion did grow from that, and I felt sorry for him that he was missing his daughters' childhood. I knew he would have regrets if he ever sobered up, but they were his to have.
As for the envy, I know.... We had this topic on here not too long ago. Sometimes, it is easy to get a little jealous because as you say, they seem to living this carefree life where someone else takes care of everything. But remember the things that he is giving up, the things that you still have. You may be the one cleaning up the vomit at 3 am, but you are also the one who gets to hold them as they fall back asleep, the one who gets to see the day in and out little moments that are unforgettable.
You are TOTALLY NOT TWISTED!!! I think we all feel this. I know I do and the resentment is something that I always have to be working on. I felt this way just last weekend. It's hard to let go of the bitterness and resentment because everything really IS about them!
You may have heard, that maturity levels are stunted back to the time when the A began to drink -- especially in teenagers. Ergo, lack of responsibility and integrity are usually key personality traits of an A.
Would I like to be a kid again? ABSOLUTELY.
Would I like to have a house without worrying about a mortgage? ABSOLUTELY.
Would I like a wife, but never be concerned with having cake? ABSOLUTELY.
Would I like to shirk my job, but still get paid? ABSOLUTELY.
Would I like me to be the center of attention all the time? ABSOLUTELY.
But, then, who exactly would I be? What kind of self-worth would that give me? What kind of spiritual peace would that provide me? What kind gratitude would that show my HP?
Some days I let go of my worries, and indulge in something purely for me. That's (in my opinion) good and healthy. It's also not very often. I have responsibilities, and I CHOOSE to accept them. Envy? that's not the right word for me. I chalk that carefree lifestyle that I enjoy only once in a while as a continuous SAD way to exist.
Anyhoo, I'm very glad you are here sharing -- I can see the progress you are making. Keep it up and KEEP coming back!
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
If he does it with her (meaning leaving his wife and kids), he will do it to her (meaning leaving her for the next best thing).
He's sick with alcohol. He's an addict. I highly doubt (though I don't know) that they have the capacity to have romance and candlelight. That takes forethought and some work.
Are you really jealous? Why not get a babysitter and go to a lowlife hangout and see if you still feel the same? This week I went to just that place (my niece had asked me to go because she sings karaoke there) and trust me, it's no dreamlike place that you envision.
Yes you have a ton of responsibility, worries and challenges but try to sit back and think of all the benefits and gifts you have also. Write them down if need be.
You have beautiful, healthy children. You get to tuck them in at night and perhaps hear them say "Mommy, I love you." You get to listen to them watching some TV program that they like and hear children's beautiful sound of a belly laugh. You get to form them and teach them between right and wrong (without someone undermining you). You get to do whatever you want in your own home. Take advantage of that (((((((friend)))))))))). Rather than focussing on the A, let him go to God, God will take care of him in His own way. In the meantime, relish the time and quality you have with your beautiful children. They are gifts from God for only a short period of time (though some days seem like a lifetime). Before you blink an eye, they will be grown and gone.
This is said with love and not judgment. yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
i'm sorry that things have worked out the way they have for you. i really feel you on the jealousy issue. i used to tell my AH when he'd come back from a "binge" how hurt i was that these "low-life" (my opinion), criminal "aquaintances" (as he called them) got to spend time w/him when those that truly cared about him were robbed of his presence. he would tell me that he wanted to be home, but felt that he didn't deserve to be here.
i thought, well how dumb is that? just come home then, right? addiction is a sick and twisted disease. he was out, doing who knows what, with who knows who and he really did want to be home, but the drugs kept him away.
i am very fortunate to not have been in his position. there is no happiness in being "messed up." in fact, the very reason that they are addicts is because they haven't accepted help from their HP to enjoy happiness in their lives.
reading the other replies to your post has helped me see the joys that i am overlooking when i'm busy being jealous of my AH. he's been fortunate enough to accept the calling from his HP and check himself into treatment, where he is right now. and i feel jealous that he has all these resources there to help him get better. meanwhile i'm here, taking care of the kids and all that, struggling to find time for al-anon work, just wishing i could go somewhere to work on myself w/out distraction too. but when i talk to him on the phone, i hear the pain that's in him, wanting to be here, watching the kids in all the things they do.
i truly feel your AH has those feelings inside him about your kids, but his addiction is robbing him of those experiences. not YOU. you get it all. the good and the bad. can't have one without the other, right? so i guess the best thing to do is focus on those good things and try not to feel jealous of him, feel sorry for him that he's missing out.
Clean air , clean sheets ??? the alcoholic I shared a bed used to smell up the sheets and the air pretty quick . He has found someone who will drink with him kelly plain and simple two sick people feeding each others needs . Am sorry u are experiencing this it's tough I know , but yu will be okay . goodluck Keep looking after you Louise
I'm so glad you posted this. I have felt the same way and boy did it help me to see my feelings validated by someone else. The next time I am feeling this way, I hope I remember to come back here to read the responses and get my focus back on me and the positive things in my life!! Nice to know I am not alone.
i have heard it said both in al-anon and aa settings that AHs have a void inside them that cannot be filled. many will obviously try to fill it with alcohol, but there are those, like your husband and my spouse, who try to also fill it by seeking affection from someone else. an earlier post was right, there is often very little in true emotions, the AH is emotionally numb. my AH, once sober, explained that she harboured so much guilt, shame, and disgust about herself that she did not feel WORTHY of her life with me and our children. she, when drunk especially, sought someone who would not have a reason to judge her and her actions, someone that would not live with the consequences of her actions, and thus try to make her feel "good" about herself when she felt horrible. there was no affection for that other person(s). it is another way of escaping from reality. when she finally got sober and entered recovery, there was no reason to continue that relationship. focus on yourself, work your program, keep going to meetings. pray that your AH's HP will guide him to his own recovery. if that happens, then you will truly know what he thinks is most important.
I think we all, at one time or another have felt jealous of our A's. For me, after I took a good look at his life, when he was active, I was no longer jealous. Yes, I may have had to be the "grown-up" and take care of many of the responsibilities that were either supposed to be his or shared. But I also was able to enjoy many things he was no longer capable of enjoying, or was simply not there to enjoy when it came to our children and life in general. While I was bearing most all the responsibilities he was either using or hiding in shame and guilt. He was not using for recreation, he was using to self medicate. I can't see where he was having any "fun" in doing that, and he wasn't, he was miserable.
The more I turned the focus onto me and stopped looking at him, the more I seen that despite everything I had no choice but to do, I also had many things to be grateful for. When I was no longer focused on him, I could see the rest of the world around me. I was able to sit and play with my children....and enjoy it. I was able to take a walk and see the trees and flowers and smell the changing seasons. There were so many things I became aware of all over again.......it was like starting life for the second time. And you can bet that this time I am enjoying it more and living my life in a way that I hope will prevent me from missing the small things, taking nothing for granted. So I have little to no regrets as I grow older.
I live my life for me now. I am a better person for it and more capable to be a positive part in the lives of the people around me.
Try not to focus on him so much. I am sure his life is not as good as you are imagining it to be.
