The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have come to realize that I work with dishonest people. People I don't trust. This realization is really bothersome. It is hurting me. It is not a safe place for my spirit. I feel as if I am the only one working and even sacrificing to get the job done. Like they know if I am there the job will get done, so once I show up, they are off the hook. I am constantly protecting myself from these people. Trying not to react to everything. Trying to take care of my work, with folks who are happy to see me trip up. Folks who could care less if the work gets done. Needless to say, work was hard today.
So after work, since I had childcare for the evening, I decided to go to the f2f meeting I wanted to attend. I found the f2f meeting and sat there feeling like I should share. I tried to come up with something to talk about, but just clenched up. I started thinking about the situation at work.
I consider myself to be a very honest person. Then I realized that even though I am honest with others, I haven't been honest to myself. I realized that I haven't been honest about how much pain I am in. I haven't been honest about who my A boyfriend or "qualifier" really is. I haven't been honest about the level of stress at work I am under. I haven't been honest with myself about how to ask for the staffing support I need at work to accomplish the responsibilities given to me.
So, I started to beat myself up. If I can't be honest with myself, I thought, how can I sit here in this meeting and honestly share what I am going through and how I was feeling. I don't even know how I feel, except that my mind and spirit are all clouded up.
So, I sat quietly, listening and all the the time was trying with every ounce of my muscles in my face and neck and shoulders....not to cry...not to break down...to hold it together.
It is not easy for me to ask for help. At work, at home, anywhere. It is the days like today, where I want to quit, put my house on the market, pack up and search for a better place to be in the world, just me and my daughter. Afterall, I can't count on anyone here, co-workers, loved ones, anyone....thankfully I remembered that I have found this place...MIP.
I know I am in the right place to get help, even though doing that is so hard for me. The f2f meetings especially. On the way home, I opened up the flood gates. It felt good to cry. I hadn't in a really long time. Boy this isn't easy.
I feel stuck on step one...my mind is so clouded, I just can't get past the unmanageable part, not because I don't believe it is unmanageable, but because my brain just can't process anything more.
I will continue to work at it. Going to on-line meetings and getting to another f2f meeting next week. I want that serenity I hear others share about.
Hello Leetle, Your feelings are your feelings and they are okay. It is great to put them out here and get them out of your body/minc and onto a page. I have learned that where ever you go,,there you are. Meaning, moving or not, the same problems will still be there because they are within ourselves. Oh and the one about the other man's grass is always greener too. There are times I want to just run away. Then I think of what I put above. My spouse has a job like yours. I imagine alot of people do. This letting go and letting god stuff does really work once you get use to it. By working the program steps, I imagine you will have less stress at work and respond to things instead of reacting to things. Give yourself time to do your babysteps and maybe try the fake it until you make it. There is so much to learn and going to MIP and to f2f meetings is the perfect start. Thanks for sharing your emotions and situation with me. Things do and will get better as you change. Serenity...ps... keep on posting and updating. :)
Well trust is a huge huge issue for me given that I have grown up in such a dysfunctional family. I also know how to people please, over comit and seethe in resentment. Those are my core codependent traits. In this program I have learned how to manage them. I read a book on people pleasing about 3-4 years ago I was flabbergasted, I still am many days because for me much of my codependent behavior is insidious.
What an amazing share, full of hope and strength. This program is a slow and gentle one. The healing is truly beginning in you, I can see it.
Regarding the others, your share reminded me of the most beautiful poem I received from one of my very best friends and for whom the author is unknown and this seems the perfect time to share it with you:
They may see the good you do as self serving Continue to do good.
They may see your generosity as grandstanding. Continue to be generous.
They may see your warm and caring nature as a wealness. Continue to be warm and caring.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
I hope this helps you as much as it does me. I'm so glad you keep posting, your friend in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
with program, along with everything else in the world, I wanted INSTANT GRATIFICATION. i go to program, i see program, i work on program, I WANT RESULTS NOW.
fact is, I am still on step 1, too. no matter how much growth i've seen in myself, step 1 is in my face. anger, resentment, detaching, letting go, holding on, picking up the 300 LB phone, getting my arse to meetings, feeling my feelings, understanding my actions and reactions, working on responding...
i'm still on step 1. what is, is. keep coming back. one day at time, and the world will become our oyster. not because of what the world will do for us, but because what we will do for ourselves in this world.
much love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
