The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We buried my mother today, it is her birthday. This has been an incredible week -- there just aren't the words to express the emotions. We postponed everything to round up my other siblings (there are four of us) One of my brothers, who teaches in China, that I haven't seen in over three years made it -- he incredibly made the trip leaving on Wed. and arriving just before the evening memorial service last night.
We woke up to 4" of snow on Thurs. which changed over to ice and rain. I looked out a 6 a.m. and thought, my mother would love this being a northern girl, lol. In the South 4" of snow closes the schools -- but even so we had a wonderful song service which is what she wanted. She was much loved in our church and it really showed -- no one goes out in the snow here LOL.
I just have to thank all of you for your prayers. I felt them. Drawing out the service and burial just seemed to draw out the pain. I'd come here and reread your replies -- they kept me going. What would I do without Alanon, my home group was awesome also. There just isn't a way to tell you all how grateful I am.
I had some really rough moments with my program. My A who has seen my mother twice in the past year, yet claims to worry about them and love them did what he usually does. He walks in like a shining knight, there to provide support and comfort -- takes a week off of work and puts on a grand show for his job, his friends, and all the family. What a just wonderful guy. Look at how he puts himself out for his family, taking all that time off, arriving on time with hugs to spare. Do I have resentments?? you bet.
Thursday before my mother died (Mon.) I told him, she's dying, he says "I know" -- yes, we all knew ... but I knew it would be soon. I told him (big mistake) if he couldn't be there to help with the kids when she went that I could not stop myself from hating him. Welllllll..... lets just say he wasn't available. His beautiful mother was. I love her dearly. She told him and poof, like magic he's in the picture. Just like when my dad had his heart attack in Aug. -- he arrived three days later after a visit from his Mom, takes a week off of work and plays his part.
He makes me sick. I want to scream out to everyone who will listen IT'S ALL BS !! It's FAKE. I want them to know what is real. Only I know it's useless, it won't do me any good waste my breath, it won't help me at all. But I cringed as my father told him how good he looked when he came in the door.
So now I sit here and I will go thru the same process as I all ways do, tend to my kids being sad that they got use to seeing there father everyday for a week. Pulling them out of the fantasy that they wish was real. Adjusting myself to the fact that though he helped for a little bit, he can't maintain anything for any length of time. It's really put my head in a fog. I actually caught myself wondering what he was doing tonight. Like it matters. I hate it when he does this -- yet he did help. But was it worth it?
I lost it with him the night before she died, I told him I just couldn't stand to see him. That I was just sick of how he did for everyone else, that he could make out like he was some great guy to others but I knew the truth. I told him I didn't want to hear how he was helping so in so with this or that, fixing this or repairing that when for us he promises and promises, but when it comes down to it it's never done. I told him not to tell me how he was going to help us with yada yada yada, that it wasn't our responsibility to try to keep a relationship with him, that the kids aren't going to bend over backwards to keep him involved in their lives, that if he wanted a relationship with them -- HE needed to work on it. I said I was sick of being told "if you need anything just ask ..." then when I do ask it's either I can't, I won't, or he just doesn't do it. And his reply.... I needed to remind him. Can you picture my head spinning around about ready to pop off my shoulders??? I need to remind him, I just said I'm sorry we aren't that memorable. And no matter what the problem is -- it's so convenient that it is always my fault.
I know that 1- I shouldn't have ever expected him to be there when my mother died. 2- that I had a major slip ripping into him because I was in a lot of pain. 3 - punishing him and pointing out all his faults didn't make me feel any better -- whether or not it was the truth. 4 - that, real or not, he did help but in the future I need to find other ways -- and I need to kindly ask his mother NOT to work her magic -- whatever that is.
Okay, I'm off to do a gratitude list, just writing about my A makes me lose my focus. Thank you all again for your support. You'd have liked my mother -- she was one special lady, and she'd do the "chicken" dance at the baseball games LOL. She was funny. I look forward to remembering more of the good times.
I'd also like to offer you to make amends, to you. We alanonics beat ourselves up so much -- we know when we slip up, and we know when are hurting, and we know when our own actions are insane -- that is good; to know where we are in ourselves, our journey, our program. Be kind to you, make amends and give yourself a boost. Regardless of who knows the truth of your A, all of us and, more importantly, YOU know the wonderful soul you possess.
much love, always cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I can picture your Mom clearly from your description. Anyone who is willing to do the chicken dance is on my A-List. I hope your memories of her will warm your heart.
Now would be a great time to give yourself a break. That is a tremendous amount of stress to go through.
Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
The knight in shingin armor stuff is one of my core issues with the A. This past month the A's mother showed up. I detached well but nevertheless he did the knight in shining armor with her. He can never say no to her. Sometimes I believe living with an A brings out the worst in us. For me it was such a huge relief to be able to detach but there was so much leg work in the interim.
I am glad you found the program there for you. I do know when stuff happens I feel more abandoned by the A than ever. My own isolation tatics contribute to that too.
In stressful circumstances rarely do I act as well as I later think I should have, it's a learning process. Don't beat yourself up over it, or let resentments get you down. One of the hardest things for me is being grateful for what my A does and not resenting all the things he does not. It's almost like this little scale is in my head and I can watch it tipping back and forth, when I should really just throw the scale away.
I would have loved your Mom, especially the chicken dance .... since I seem to have 4 left feet and no rhythm it's about the only one I can do. Take special care of yourself right now.
You could be me or I could be you. Easy for me to say now, but I am wondering out loud if we could have asked them to respect our wishes and not attend, not as a punishment, but to allow us the opportunity to grieve in peace w/out being overshadowed or worrying about someone else for a change.
Like you say, it's all well and great when the crisis is going on, but when it's over and all those %$#@*^& promises get broken over and over again (which btw no one else ever sees but us and the kids) it minimizes the one in a billion times they were on.
Just know you aren't alone my wonderful friend, keep us close as you grieve your mom. I lost my mom at 27 and though time does lessen the pain, I will always, always miss her. P.S. She loved the chicken dance and the hulley gulley too
Love ya, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Considering all that you were dealing with & you only lost it once - that's a pretty good accomplishment in my book!! Forgive yourself for being human - remember that your HP completely understands & wants to give you comfort & reassurance of that unconditional love.
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Luna, I'm just checking the board after not logging on for a few days. Hearing you describe your mom's memorial day ... made me smile on many levels. Your awareness about what's real and what's not re your A sounds like you have a lot of clarity about that .... I know for me, I have a hard time with the detachment part when my kids and family members all think he's such "a great guy" when he "puts on a grand show for his job, his friends, and all the family" -- so, let's just say I could relate. Wish I could be there to give you a hug .... I think you are moving forward so beautifully, even as you 'catch' yourself, it sounds to me like you are giving yourself a break while learning from the things you could learn from, like: "I know that 1- I shouldn't have ever expected him to be there when my mother died. 2- that I had a major slip ripping into him because I was in a lot of pain. 3 - punishing him and pointing out all his faults didn't make me feel any better -- whether or not it was the truth. 4 - that, real or not, he did help but in the future I need to find other ways -- and I need to kindly ask his mother NOT to work her magic -- whatever that is." So, pats on the back to you. So sorry re your loss of your mom. Losing a mom is always a hard loss, no matter the age. Yours in recovery, emma
