The material presented
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I don't know what is wrong with me, I know what things set him off and I know that I have to just back off. Is that right? I am still trying to live with this guy and it is so hard. I came home after being gone all day and he was sitting on the computer. I told him I had to use it and he let me, but it was moving so slow...I thought about it first, then said "why can't you admit that file sharing slows the computer down." I know better. He will defend to the death his right to use filesharing programs and it is way worse than his drinking or almost any addictive habit he has. All day and all night he has the computer running, dowloading thousands of files, mostly music but not always. When I want to use the computer I have to wait for everything to close, which takes a really long time. Then there is no room on the computer for anything. What can I say, he blew up. I knew he would. It was pretty bad and all I can think is that I asked for it.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
putting up with bad behaviour can sometimes be like the game of roulette, sometimes red, sometimes black --either way, the house has the odds and all will lose in the long run. if you believe that you started a conflict - perhaps using step 10 may change the tide. --...and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
much love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I was just thinking last night on the way home how hard it is to be around other people. I am very much fear based. I try to let go more these days. I try to just do the best I can and let go. Sometimes I flub up and say stuff to the a I should not but I am much much better about now than I was. I try to live and let live and i'm part of that maxim.
If you messed up remember in al anon we get to try and do better the next day. Don't give yourself a life sentence because you did or did not flub up.
I figure it's a fine line between starting things, and between having to walk on eggshells because the A blows up at every little thing we say. A lot of us have learned a bad lesson - never say what you think about anything, in order to avoid a fight. This DOES keep the fighting down, but at an enormous cost to our sense of ourselves, and to our ability to even know what we think. I think a useful tool to use is "Does he already know how I feel about this?" If he does, then you are just nagging, so may as well shut up. Better then to devote your energies to finding a way around the problem - get your own computer, say. Then you are not just stuffing your feelings, which can be bad, but instead working positively for a way to improve them.
Remember that you are responsible for him, not yourself. You cannot "make" him blow up, but you can take responsibility for your comment. If this is an ongoing conflict, I like the idea of getting your own computer. If that is a reasonable option financially, go ahead and do it.
Thanks, I think I will combine the responses and take what I need. It was hard for me to "promptly admit I was wrong" because, well, I wasn't wrong...about how he abuses the computer. He has downloaded files that carried viruses that disabled the whole computer. It was expensive to repair and he says that never happened. Does he not remember or is he lying to prove his point.....Anyway, that doesn't matter. Not of that stuff actually matters. What matters was that we were yelling at eachother infront of the kids; who I promptly apologized to. Still can't bring myself to apologize to him. Is that really necessary? LOL lin0606 wrote: I think a useful tool to use is "Does he already know how I feel about this?" If he does, then you are just nagging, so may as well shut up.
Boy does he know exactly how I feel about that. And it's just like anything else- I CAN"T MAKE HIM STOP!! Sometimes I want to say something, then I don't because I know (fear) he wont take it well and get ashamed at how mousy I have become. I think that to find more peace I probably have to become a little less stubborn.
Thanks everyone Jamie
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 12:59, 2007-02-03
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 12:59, 2007-02-03
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I'm glad you got a good mix of ESH in this post. I agree and disagree with the need to apologize to him. I disagree that you need to make him feel better because you started yelling. I do agree that if you do make an amends, it would be for you and your peace and serenity.
Kids are very perceptive and I'm glad that you reinforced that the argument should not have happened. Maybe you could sit down with your H when he is sober and discuss a plan that would incorporate never fighting in the kid's presence. If your plan is to try to work out issues and stay together with hub, I like the idea of designating a silly spot to voice objections. like a shower stall or bathtub. it's intimate and private and hard to start yelling in such a surrounding. of course, take what you like, and leave the rest.
much love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
There is no reason, justification etc. for unacceptable behavior. The travesty is when you begin to believe that.
Please read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Most libraries carry this book so you don't even have to purchase it. Sit and read it in the privacy of the library where it's peaceful and quiet.
The only one who can change you is you.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
