The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, i'm new here, but i've been attending al-anon meetings for almost 11 months now. some background info b4 i continue...i've been in a relationship with an addict for over 8 years now, our 3rd wedding anniversary will be in the fall. we now have 2 girls, 10 yrs (from a previous realtionship) and 15 months. i wasn't aware of his addiction until about 2 years or so ago. (who could keep track of time when there was so much obsessing to be done?) that's not to say there weren't tell-tale signs, just that i wasn't aware of them.
don't want to make too long of a post, so i'll get to the point...my AH (?) disappeared yet again and while gone, decided to check himself into an ER to get help for treatment. i got a call from a social worker to get there when i could to help figure out what's available. he woke up b4 i could get there and they worked it out without me. i felt robbed. then he didn't come home to get his clothes and toiletries as she said he needed to. i felt despair. then i finally got a call from him saying the center was picking him up, and i would have to come get the truck and bring clothes to him the next day. i was angry. and yet, for a whole day, all i could feel was relief. a huge weight had been lifted. it was then that i realized i hadn't been fully committed to the program i was so diligent in going to. i hadn't really accomplished a lot if i had all these feelings still. i've finally realized how truly sick I'VE been. i seem to have time to do a lot more lately, yet i know i could have done them before and my only guess as to why i didn't is bcuz i was so busy in my mind, obsessing! how ashamed i am right now! my AH's HP led him to take this first step and in the process, kicked me in the rear to renew my commitment to better myself.
so now i'm taking it ODAT, but really surrendering to my HP to help me make progress. it's so easy to get in the trap of "lip service" (saying you're doing something, but not actually doing/feeling it) so it's a constant check for me to make surei really feel the way i say i do.
now that i can't even attempt to worry about my AH, i find new concerns that i have to face daily. i catch myself (wrongly?) feeling jealous that he can't talk much when he calls, and that i can only see him on sundays. but is it wrong of me to feel jealous/angry that: 1. He gets to get away from everything and focus on himself for this time. No responsibilities, no kids to take care of, no money to worry about needing, shopping to do, et cet, et cet. meanwhile, i'm here dealing with all that out of necessity., and 2. There is no place designed for al-anon people (at least that i know of, and to be covered by medical insurance at that) to do the same thing he's doing. so here i am, feeling very grateful to my HP when i can do just one daily reading, and attend one meeting a week.
i look forward to all of these positive changes we are making, but at the same time i'm scared of that point when he's back here in the real world and we have to use what we've collectively learned to keep things on the right track.
anyone got any al-anon suggestions, or personal stories that might help someone in my position? thank you for listening to me "whine", i'm really trying to focus on me and my progress right now, i'm just distracted by my trips to the "future".
Anger doesn't exactly cover how i felt when my AH entered treatment - pissed off & ready to kill him is a better description, don't forget to add a huge mound of resentments, hurts, and every other emotion!!
Guess what you are entitled to feel each one of them - however acting on them can get us into uncomfortable situations. I hope you will keep attending meetings, start making it a habit to do something nice for yourself everyday - even if it is something little like an extra, long hot shower, walk in the park at lunch, read a good book, etc.
And keep coming back - don't give up before the miracle happens in you - you deserve it -
peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi there! I am new to this website...just found it today. I am also new to Al-Anon and a friend told me about these forums. However, I am not new to living with an alcoholic as my wife has been battling her addiction for our entire 10 years of marriage. I read your post and felt I could offer something to you. I am about 3 weeks ahead of where it sounds like you are with your AH. My wife recently finished a 30 day program and is now home. I was JEALOUS that she was in a safe place free of personal responsibility while I tried to manage life with 2 young kids. Yet I knew that she was in the best place she could be, and that the only hope I had of her being the mother and wife she needed to be was to get this help. That helped some, but Al-Anon saved ME. I refused to commit to the program the first 2 times my wife went through treatment...this was her problem, not mine right? All I got was misery, even during her times of sobriety. This time, I'm helping myself, and I'm finding that I can communicate better, find inner peace, SLEEP, and appreciate all she is trying to do by knowing that I am doing ll that I can do. I utilized her time away to MY advantage..to use the tools at my disposal (mainly Al-Anon) to create my own "treatment" program. Even though it is early in both of our recoveries, I have more hope and confidence in our futures than any time in my life. And I have Al-Anon and my HP to thank for that. I hope you and your husband can find that as well. Good Luck!
thanx for the encouragement! i feel a lot of those things too. it's confusing because this should be all good things, but it is still challenges to deal with. in my frist meeting after he checked himself in, i said that it was good news and bad news. it is hopeful because he's still in there, somewhere, and wants to be present and sober. it's bad because there's a whole new situation to adapt to and lots of old habits to replace, which requires a lot of time and energy.
but it feels like i'm in the eye of the storm. i've gone through all of the crazy, unmanageable, powerless, futile fighting of that life. now i'm in the waiting and working period. trying to reclaim sanity with my HP and al-anon group. but i know there's lots of work ahead too. when he finishes his program and comes home, sp many things will be different and need to be discussed as far as how we will now function as a family and what boundaries we may or may not have. my biggest problem is trust. i don't feel as close as we once were and now i want to allow him to have all my trust unless he gives me reason not to. it's going to be hard.
that's why i need to stay in the present, as hard as you can see it is for me! i have hope that there will be a point in time that this will all seem like second-nature to me. i won't have to second-guess what to do next, i'll just know.
To put another perspectiveon this: reading through the posts on this topic, I heard a bit of 'I'm jealous that they are working on themselves and I have to be the one manage the kids'.. It was a bit hard for me to read that, I actually felt jealous of *you guys*! Because I would love for my A to get help for himself. At the moment we are separated and he's still saying he thinks he can fix myself and he has it under control, and he hasn't, and he's still drinking and trying to put up this super-father front, determined to have our 19 month old every weekend by himself, so he can look responsible and feel he's being there for his son. He's still drinking when he's with him. At least you guys can feel safe while they are away, it could be worse, not to make light of how you feel, but I'm just saying I'd love to be in your position -yes it might be a burden but i personally would prefer that over constant worry over what's going to happen next. The children at least deserve for their A father/mother to give recovery a chance. I know that holding up the house and family while they are away is only a small piece of the puzzle, there is the trust issue too, but I can't help feeling like well at least your A is doing *something* as opposed to my inert A that is doing nothing and is no where near wanting to seek help for himself.
Great share! Welcome to MiP. One of my ongoing miracles is to be able to share my feelings with this wonderful family. It takes loads off my mind just knowing that loving and caring people take time out of their day for the service of serenity. I come here often. I post often. It is a part of my recovery. At times, I can even tell that I'm progressing at a faster rate than other family in my f2f, for which I thank God and this wonderful site. I've found that working my program through here enlightens me exponentially, compared with just having my local f2f'ers issues and ESH (experience, strength and hope) to guide me.
Pertaining to your post, 1. Great for Hub to get help -- sometimes, we get so used to the same 'ol same 'ol chaos, that we lose the ability to call a spade a spade. if hub is so down, and trying to change, blessed be, and let Higher Power have the control. 2. You are a loving, responsible person, and hub has not been equal in his duties -- Let go, Let God, let the miracle happen. it sounds like you're angry(poisoned) because he gets to be the epicenter... well, he is... he is the earthquake, and you are survivor, cook, maid, mother, father, glue of family, etc, etc. Don't forget, he needs to change his behaviour to get to that point of holding the responsibilities you've taken on. You don't have to make it easy on him. You can tell him you'd like to share more responsibility. You can tell him you NEED more time for you, so that you can be the best mother and woman possible. It certainly is nice to be recognized for doing yeoman's work, but it rarely happens in relationships. Perhaps you can take account of all that you do, make a list, and read it in the form of prayer. Grant yourself your own gratitude for the hard work you put in. Then maybe reward yourself with a bubble bath : )
Take care of you, hon, and keep your side of the street clean. Keep coming back with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Well it took me a long long time to get into this program. I actually went to ftf meetings years ago (more than 10 years ago). I also went to a conference and got a lot out of it. I read a lot on codependence but I still didn't really envison how codependent I was for a long time. I think it takes what it does to get here. I can't beat myself up anymore about that.
There are programs for codependents to go to places like Hazelton and The Meadows offer placements. I've heard mixed reviews about them. I know I read their materials but being in a group like this one helps immeasurably.
I can feel jealous and resentful of the A in a snap. The issue for me these days having stewed in resentments for years (to those far beyond the A) is what does the resentment do for me. If it is an indicator I hit a boundary I need good. I no longer need to stew in it. I find that a particularly hard discipline but nevertheless so necessary. I can safely say the resentments at the A almost killed me. I don't just shrug them off I take them seriously but I don't sit in them either. I find it pretty difficult to get a balance but nevertheless I do feel my life in some ways depends on being more moderate in my emotions particularly towards the A.
