The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My emotions have been like a rollercoaster since Christmas. I am going through so much confusion and pain. One day I'm happy, next day I land right back down there on my butt. I was happy yesterday. And today the bottom has fallen out of my world. One of my relationships has come to a sudden end AGAIN!!!!!
He sent me a text this morning. (I can't do this anymore, sorry). WOW:: How is that for a slap in the face. So I done what I do, I replied to him, told him its okay, could we have ten mins to talk. He never answered me. So I got angry, and I told him, he needed to grow up. Then I felt guilty. He sent me a text, (just move on). But I am confused by this. We have always been able to talk things through. He was alright the other night. He has been spending a few days with AA members. And I know this is not his words. I feel he has been given advice on how to handle this. Just end it and remove yourself from the situation. I am breaking my heart over this. I spoke to someone from AA this morning. Who told me, his head is all over the place right now, he doesn't know what he wants. But just for today, he screwed up. She advised me to let him be, to sort out his head.
So that made me feel better, it stopped the tears for a wee while. She also reminded me that Alcoholics can be so immature, and selfish. And that to get involved with one is a dangerous place to be. I'm beginning to realise this. I put him first all the time, protecting his feelings. OMG......What if I shout at him, he might take a drink. She advised me on that to. Said If he took a drink, It was because he wanted to, and NOT because I drove him to It.
I'm just so sick of knowing what I should be doing within my programme. And not having the courage to stand up and do It. I love this person so much. And I am not ready to walk away from him.
Hi Ally I don't know whether this will help or not as the relationship I am talking about was not with an A but it was a similar situation. I had been going out with someone for nearly two years and he ended it in a telephone call. This was in the days before mobiles. After recovering from the shock I called him back and told him he was a coward and needed to say it to my face and meet me. He ended up doing this and even though I was totally shattered I had the courage to tell him that he needed to pick up all his gear from my place etc etc. What I am trying to convey is that it was the betrayal of having committed to 2 years of my life with someone who didn't even have the decency to end it in a civil way. That hurt I think more than anything else. He also had the gall to say that he had stayed with me because he felt sorry for me. My reply was I wanted your love not your f......g pity. So please know that I feel your pain and I am thinking of you. LUv Leo xxx
hate that you are going thru this horrible, painful time
not really much any of us can say that will help except that we are here to listen -that we care - that we will beat him up on the playground - oh wait that's not right - sorry - that was my mothering nature taking over - don't like to see my friends in pain.
Please treat yourself with special care you have suffered a loss - grieve however you need to.
(((hugs))), Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
(((ally))) Sorry you are having to go thru this. Love can be very painful sometimes, and I think from my experience with A's, it is always painful to be in love with one. For one thing, they have a disease which clouds and distorts their ability to give and receive affection. This is just my opinion, having been there, done that. I know when my AH left me last year, and stayed gone for 7 weeks, it was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever been thru. Somehow, thru the grace of God, and thru my friends here at MIP, I was able to detach enough to let him go. In all those weeks, there were only maybe 2 very short phone calls, having to do with the house payment being made. I went to work every day, somehow. I read a lot on alcoholism, I lived here in MIP, I went to movies by myself. Everyday, I would wake up in the mornings, and think "Damnit, I'm still alive." The pain was intense. My heart and everything else hurt. I had to finally realize I could not "make" my husband return the love I felt for him. He was always used to me writing cards, letter, notes, and in the past, years ago, before we got married, I would drive around, trying to figure out where he was and what he was doing. All that did was make him lose respect for me, and I lost respect for myself, too. I know you are in the chatroom a lot. I encourage you to keep doing that. And post. I used to wrap an electric blanket around myself really tight to keep myself from shaking with devastation. The warmth soothed me somewhat. One day, out of the blue, he walked in and wanted to come back home. I said OK. Looking back, I wish I had set some more boundaries, like him not drinking there, etc. But at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I could not afford the house payment alone. And my husband is so stubborn, he would have probably turned right around and walked back out the door. And I so wanted him home again. What you are going thru, the pain, is perfectly normal when we love someone. It hurts to be rejected. We cannot help who we fall in love with. I will keep you in my prayers dear Ally. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Try to rest. Use this time to let him do what he needs to do. Just because he wrote that text to you, does not mean it is over. I wish I had a $ for everytime my AH said it was over. I would be able to make the house payment alone then! Just give him space, and make some space for Ally. She is special, too. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I think one reason relationships cause so much pain is that we put so much weight on them - more than they can hold, often. If we choose to hang our happiness on whether another person wants us, (and not just on whether he wants me, but on whether he SAYS he wants me, and on whether he says it the RIGHT WAY) we are setting ourselves up for failure. When the person we love is an A, that just complicates it beyond belief. An active A is not really capable of giving love, at least not in the way that most people think of love. Asking for the kind of unconditional love that books and movies tell us is the only "real" love, from an A, is like going to the hardware store to get bread. It just ain't there. That is just reality. Is your heart broken when you go to the hardware store, and they say, "Sorry, no bread here, just nails and paint"? No, you get the nails and paint you need, and go elsewhere for your bread. It looks like your A is going through big changes, he may be telling the strict truth when he says that he just can't do this. Would you prefer that he continue on with you, even if it is not in his best interests? Someone not loving you back, or not loving you the way you love him, or not being able to spare the energy it takes to love you right now, does not mean anything about YOU. It does not mean the you are unworthy. It does not mean that there can be no love or happiness in your life. All it means is that this type of love, with this person, at this time, is not there. You can still go off and look for a loaf of bread at a bakery, or even find yourself a muffin or some bagels. Or, bake your own loaf of bread, in your own oven - love yourself.
could we do a transplant? instead of this despair of this relationship ending, might there be a twinkle of excitement beginning with the untethered ability to get back out there --- and maybe, possibly, find someone healthy? not in recovery? where we constantly don't have to work program to understand their feelings? where we could have a partner that would tell us his/her feelings, not be seduced by the drink, and be able to be EQUAL in the relationship department?
as i continue to progress, i think more about getting back out there. my (dating) pool seems more like one of those plastic wal-mart infant pools, but i hope to get an in-ground someday.
love ya
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Ally like my sponcer says wait till tomorrow and every thing will be ok relationship are hard and being a alcoholic my self,i have ups and downs to,and no one has the power to make me drink but my self allyi know i have ups and downs,if he love you he will be back,just trust in the good Lord and every thing will be ok,
