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cant seem to accomplish step 1! what the h#ll is wrong with me?? I keep brushing dirt under the carpet thinking the pain will go away. My a is out of control and trying to take his family down with him. I'm on my way and am so good at denial. By the way, any idea why I turned into a massive control freak?
I too have a huge problem getting through step 1. Even though it's obvious that we are here because our life is unmanageable, but we still resist that reality. But like the As in our life, we will accept that reality when we are ready, hopefully not when we hit rock bottom.
Nothing is wrong with us beyond that we are sick with codependency.
you are soooo right. I have been codependent since I can remember. i always had to have someone in my life. I would rather be miserable but with someone than alone and happy. Guess I need to work on me before making any rash decisions....thanks.
Well as the alcoholic goes down hill we hang on even tighter , trying to save them . can't !!! only thing that happens is that we go down with them . control freak well welcome to recovery mandy your in the right place. hehe /Detach with love step aside and allow him the dignity to go where he needs to go , while u get yourlife back on track . You are the only one who you have control over , you and your attitude . Al-Anon will help guide you towards the real you the person u were meant to be. good luck Louise
What helped me with the acceptance of my powerlessness over alcohol, was the belief that if I hang on to my denial, my wife will die. Up until this point she has been plenty willing to follow that road with my participation in this disease.
The following is something someone posted for me when I first got here. I hope you like it.
Take care of you!
The Fresco by Sheri S. Tepper > > "I'm telling you now. Just listen. This psychologist > asked me to visualize my trying to save someone who > was drowning. She said to visualize the drowning > person pulling my head under. She said to imagine that > I struggled, and struggled, getting my head up just > enough to gulp some air, but every time I did, the > drowning person pulled my head under again. > She said living with someone like your dad is like > trying to save someone from drowning when what that > person really wants is to drown you with him. He wants > to go, but he doesn't want to go alone. She said the > drowner's strongest motivation is to 'miserate his > companions.' To pull your head under over and over > until all your strength is gone and you die... > She said once you've done everything you can to get > help for the person, once the drowner has firmly or > repeatedly rejected that help, the drowner has made > his choice. He's deciding to be where he is, when he > is, as he is. If you choose not to drown, at that > point, you quit trying to save the person. You leave > him where he wants to be and you stand back from him > far enough he can't drag you in. That may mean far > away. > Sometimes when the constant rescuer walks away, the > drowner decides to swim to shore."
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome to the place where if you are honest and willing you can make changes in your life and often times changes in the lives of others including your alcoholic. What the h#ll is wrong with you? You are as addicted to your task, your job, your compulsion, your investment in the life of another person. You want to see that person sober, healthy and happy and then you will feel validated, good about yourself, assured that you were right all along. You won't feel the esteem within yourself by yourself and you need to fix your alcoholic so that you can have that esteem.
You are a massive control freak because of the above and because of fear. You are afraid to let go because you don't know what will happened to him and to you and you need a guarantee that both he and you will be fine and he and then you will survive the terrible ordeal you call your life. The mere fact that you mention denial means that you are not in denial! You know what is happening and you know that you know and you are still too terrified to let go. You have already admitted that you are powerless and that you are compulsed to direct and control and seek pleasure in fixing someone who doesn't want or appreciated your attempt. You are trying your utmost and he gets worse. You are not in denial. This is our insanity; doing over and over again the very same things yet expecting different results than what we have always got.
Change is difficult but not impossible. Change is fearful because if we don't know what and why we need or want to change or how it's supposed to come out. I have been there and it was a nightmare! You can plan the outcomes and then do the action to get that outcome. This is what was taught to me by an early sponsor and this helped save my life. The consequences of my choices were no longer a crap shoot. Often times I got close to what it was that I desired and then there was always the fear. This program worked daily one day at a time eventually lessens or rids a member of fear. "No matter how it comes out, I will be okay." Some just do something different and then turn the outcome over to their Higher Power and I did that at first until I became aware that I am responsible for good thinking and choices and their outcomes. Yes there a Miracles, those outcomes and consequenses that come outside of myself and inspite of my best thinking and doing which are amazing gifts of love by my HP. I have had I think more than my share and that goes to show me that I can't second guess how much my HP loves and esteems me still in spite of myself. They, the miracles, will not end because I feel unworthy or anything else. They will come because my Higher Power wills them to me.
I was a massive control freak because of fear and lots of other things. I was massive control freak because I thought that my alcoholic wife's behavior was an impression of myself. What a self centered justification that was.
You can let go. It's not that you can't it's that you won't. That was what I was shown and no matter how I put myself down for it as weak, dumb and worthless it was still because I wouldn't...until I over came the fear of doing something different like stepping back from my alcoholic or anything else I was trying to control and just accepting the fact that it was what it was and I could go do good things for myself and others instead.
Your life is unmanagable because you are use to it being that way. You are a control freak because that is what you do best without regard to whether you like it or not. You are a control freak because you are doing the best you can with what you have.
Working this program as it is suggested will give you more "best" than you can or have ever imagined. Suggestions? These were the ones that were given to me that I tried my "best" to follow thru on: Get to as many meetings as I could over the next 90 days. Get and read as much literature on the disease of alcoholism that was available to me. Conference Approved Al-Anon literature was "best" because it held the language and philosophy of our recovery program. Start working the steps especially 1,2,3, and look for a Al-Anon sponsor, someone that I listened to who outwardly appeared to have the sanity and serenity of this spiritual program and who what also working the steps, with others and with their sponsor and who I felt I could trust. (men on men and women on women). Get a "home" group, a meeting that I could and would attend on a regular basis and do some service (coffee making, setting up chairs, putting out literature) before the meeting starts. Stay late and talk to other more time recovering members.
Simple suggestions that help rid me of the control freakism and to get off of my sick wife's back.
I will tell you that they told me to take what I liked (that I heard) and leave the rest. I guess I took the good stuff first and kept the rest for later because it is now later for me and I am not afraid to let others be while I be myself.
This is a simple program and not easy. It is a simple program for complicated people and we learn to take it easy in the process and regain a life we are happy with and a self we love.
Please do keep coming back and take all, or some, or none of the suggestions. The outcome is up to you.
I hated being where you are at now so much so I was willing to try.
It took me a long, long time to master step 1. Years. I couldn't admit that my life had become unmanageable; it was my A's life that was umanageable. HE had the problem, not me. It took time, and a willingness to just let go, open my mind and try something different (like trying out the idea that I too was sick) that made the difference for me.
I recommend reading Getting them Sober and CoDependent No More. These two books were the eye-opener for me.
Keep coming back, and posting. You will find lots of support here.
