The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, after last weekend's incident with my ex (A) (drinking again) he's now emailed me to say sorry. I pulled the phone out of the wall the day after it happened -more to stop myself from calling him and giving him a piece of my mind, and so I wouldn't be tempted to talk if he called. I've had a great week with my son, felt totally free and happy. So of course 6 days later the old sorry email pops up. I told him please don't drink when our son is with you, and it's over between me and him. Now he emailed me back saying 'thank you for all you have done for and for all you put up with, with me. I won't bother you anymore.' Can't help feeling like that sounds really trite. After ALL the kaka we've been through, all I get is a 'thank you for all you have done'. Don't get me wrong, I've had all week to come around to accept that I can't change things and it's out of my hands. Was just mildly irritated by his email, but really what more *could* he say or do. I won't hold it against him. I guess what I'm saying is: is this what it all comes down to: we live and then we die. Sh*t happens and at the end of the day no one can undo it or change history, it is what it is and all we can do is say 'okay, it is what it is' and move on. Or don't but life will just keep moving on without you, the world will keep turning, people will keep having babies.. Okay now I'm getting a bit to loopy, philosophical. I think I've finally learned what it means to let go and let a higher power take all the 'kaka' and let me get on with life!
If that was my A, emailing me, it would be a signal that I am now supposed to feel sorry for what I said to him, and go and grovel. Any chance that he is sending you this message - "Feel sorry for me, here I am, so humble and good....."?
I never realized how complicated a word sorry could be until I met my A....it really screws with me now. As with so much that I used to think of as having pure intention, it can be hugely manipulative. Pain. Love. Apologies. Fun. Touch. Listening. I question so much of it now. Especially sorry.....In my case it is strange...I can't stand hearing it from him (I want action not words right now) and it is all he wants to hear from me..... A suggestion on the phone....I have actually pinned a note to the wall next to my phone that says "Do Not Call Your Mother - She Will Let You Down Again"....it stops me from calling when I have the impulse to....and it helps remind me not to reach out to someone that has consistantly let me down.... Enjoy getting on with YOUR life!!! Sounds like you have been...keep it up. Love, fifi
After a while in program I came to understand that my alcoholic indeed felt remorse (sometimes she used it as a justification to drink). Alcoholics do have real feelings and also at times are really honest about them. I didn't know anything about that until I have time in program. Up until that time I thought she drank and did the things she did just to personally hurt me. NOT! There wasn't enough time in the day for her to work, be a mother, take care of stuff, drink and still think about ways to hurt me. The hurt feeling is mine; my own choice and attitude. After she got into recovery and we were separated, she called me over to her appartment to talk. She was doing her 9th step and she was making a sincere apology for all that she could remember doing that affected our lives and mine. I had been in program for a while and had made my apology to her with as much sincerity as I could muster up. I really felt bad for the unacceptable ways I treated her while the disease was raging in our lives. She was hard put to accept my apology because she wasn't in the right place at that time yet in recovery she had. I remember the sincerity I practiced when I apologized to her; what I said, how I said it and how I wanted to put it all behind me. It sounded that she was doing the same thing and without judging I accepted her effort and let go of any residual resentment and remorse I found within me.
I wasn't ready at first and over time became ready. That is what this beautiful program is about...always being ready to give grace, be merciful, be tolerant, compassionate and understanding. We don't get there overnight. We refuse to do it when the wound is raw and fresh or our ego and pride is too bruised. It comes if we desire it and if we desire it when it comes we feel happy that they have reach that point in their recovery where they also are willing to let go, let God and face life inspite of the disease.
I did what you did, felt what you are feeling, thought what you have expressed and then using the program changed. Today I am free of those feelings, thoughts and negative ways of expressing my attitude. It takes coming back, listening, learning and practicing.
It will pass if you let it. You don't have to take the calls, you don't have to use anger, you don't have to be afraid. Not in Al-Anon.
I have definitely been in that place with the a of not being able to stop calling or obsessing or totally focusing on him. I know for me it is a super human act sometimes not to pour our resentments or obsession.
For me sometimes I do believe the a is "sorry" other times I think he is an arch manipulator. For me at least it is a different issue each time. I just try to plough through what today brings for me without rancor and with "grace" sometimes I have it sometimes I have to use every tool I know to get there.
I live in a lot of fear but not as much as I used to.
