The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is one of my many qualifiers, he has now been sober for two years, 1 month and two, days.
I am having difficulty feeling safe and grounded. My husband and I have had several very personal conversations regarding my family, his sponsor had brought them up to me in a way that he thought was humorous. Poking at me. I managed to blow it until yesterday, My husbands sponsor was at our house when I arrived home from picking up our daughter. They were discussing going on a retreat. My husband's sponsor repeated to me several times, "You're going to be all alone for three whole days, taking care of your daughter, just you two, all alone." I started to get agitated, "I did it alone for two years I am pretty sure I can handle three days." I quickly apologized to my husband for bringing up the past because that was wrong. I then said to his sponsor, "I like being with our daughter and I enjoy solitude and being in my own head." My need to explain myself. He replied with, "Yeah, so do I. Why do you think I go fishing all of the time?" When leaving he said "THanks RILEY!"After he left I did not feel good at all.
I left the house and began calling people on my list, When I got through to someone it was a person who is both a member of alanon and AA, this was what they said, "That is not a sponsors job. Their job is to represent themself through AA's guidlines and principles. To encourage and guide through love and compassion and to make sure the sponsee is doing what they need to be doing. It sounds like his sponsor has some resentment which is an alcoholics worst enemy. If you don't get an ammends in 48 hours then he's done as far as youshould be concerned."
I still do not feel good. Any comments or suggestions?
Riley, hate that you have had this uncomfortable situation & i can relate to those feelings about my AH's sponsor - he, too, has said some things that i have had to be a little harsh with him to get my point across.
Someone reminded me that my ah's sponsor is an A also - he has personality defects also from his disease that he may still be working from & i may have to set some boundaries with him also to take care of myself.
Keep taking care of yourself & by the way - welcome to MIP - glad you have joined our family.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thank you so much for your response. I am not sure how to go about setting up boundaries with this person? Detaching with love, but firm. I really am not sure how to bring it up to him?
we (my ah & I) often go to Friday nite open AA meetings - but i go to my al-anon meeting 1st - so we arrive at different times in different vehicles. well his sponsor asked me every week "where's Brian?" "What did you do with Brian?" you know some smart comment like that - we have been doing this routine for over 3 yrs so he knows the answer it's just about he wanted my ah at the meeting earlier then he arrived - so i just got tired of him always asking the same thing. so one night i told him "it's not my job to keep up with him anymore, that would be his sponsor's job - maybe you should ask his sponsor - oh wait that's you" of course i did it with a little humor & it may have not been the most appropriate way to handle the situation, but it got my message across - i am not my ah's keeper - you want to know where he is - call his cell phone - leave me out of it.
another way to handle those types of things like you situation "why do you keep bringing up the point of my daughter & I being alone - is there something you are afraid to talk to us about?" When asked why it may bring out something we don't know about or maybe it was purely innoncent - he means nothing by it - "How important is it? if it is important to you then find out - if you can let it go - do so & then maybe you can be ready if you need to handle another situation with your ah's sponsor in a better way.
peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I would also ask "How important is it?" I have to confess, I don't quite understand what he did wrong, except not pick up on the fact that he was annoying you. It sounded more like poor social skills to me, rather than anything out of line. At any rate, it is not necessary for you to like your husband's sponsor, or even know him. The relationship that matters is the one between the two of them, you don't have to have a relationship with this guy at all, beyond basic civility. Your OWN sponsor is the one you need to really get along with - and even there, it is more important that you trust your sponsor than that you like her, really. I've probably exchanged 100 words, tops, with my husband's f2f sponsor, in the last four years. I've never met his online sponsor at all, even in cyberpassing. And that's OK.
Just wanted to welcome you to the MIP family. I'm with lin on this one. My first response when reading your post was: Okay, what did he say wrong? But maybe I'm not seeing something in the post. All I know is that sometimes my A's friends say things to me, and it triggers resentment in me. But I don't think it's intentional, at least I hope not. It's just that they are As, and while it may not excuse the poor social skills, it explains it. They are working at their recovery. Maybe they are having a hard time dealing with whatever it is they are going through at the moment. So I might have been on the receiving end of their bad day. I've decided that they really don't know me that well, and certainly not my background. So I just try and drop it. I'm not dismissing what happened to you. It obviously is important to you. For me, at this point, I'm trying to leave things because I need to redirect my attention to things that are more important to my recovery. This is a small issue for me. But I have the feeling I need at some point in the future when I'm ready to figure out why I have let them get to me. What's in my background?
Glad you're with us. Please keep coming back. Congrats on hubby's sobriety and your recovery! That's awsome!
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat, who is also a part of our MIP animal family
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I forgot to mention that he said and I quote, "That he wanted to drag me behind his pick-up truck." That's what really got to me, those are pretty strong words.
I really do appreciate the insight. I have decided to, "let go and let god." Should nasty comments come from him again, I will address it, be direct and detach with love to the best of my ability. I have a hard time with this one, detaching with love, especially if I feel threatened.
Again thank you all very much! I am grateful for this group!
It occurs to me that what your husband's sponsor is really saying is that he doesn't know how to have a relationship with you that doesn't betray your husband's confidences in him. Somehow it seems to me that this is this gentleman's first time at the rodeo, otherwise he'd have the sense to know how to behave around a recovering spouse. If I were in your position, the next time he behaves as such, I would say "What you are saying is upsetting to me. Please stop." I would also directly say what you have shared with us to your husband. It may seem as if he is being forced to choose between you and his sponsor, but in reality, the sponsor's first obligation isn't necessarily to the alcholic he is working with, but rather to be a living example of the principles of AA. This includes to his sponsees family.
You got a lot of feedback and that's good. You are not alone and others are here for you. I read that your alcoholic's sponsor maybe triggered a fear in you (or hit a button) and that caused this reaction. I read that because that is what use to happen to me. I use to also go thru all the mental gymnastics of trying to figure out him, this, that, them etc. That wrecked my serenity and then presented me with the realization that I was so up tight then that I always reacted to stuff...always. Inventorying the situation by writing about it can bring so much self solution and of course as mentioned disclosing what you find with your sponsor is suggested.
Solution slogan? "Don't react" this is my most bestes slogan because this is my number one problem. The closest second is FEAR False Evidence Appearing Real. (I'm taking the situation beyond reality.) I have a very wild imagination that when used when I am feeling fearful makes me go look for my "Chicken Little" suit.
Additionally I knew about myself that I was continually suspicious of my alcoholic and others so I unconciously was thinking something was up all the time. I can take an ant hill and build an Everest with it in no time at all.
I am not saying this is what you did. This is my experience.
If you thought you heard a threat? Ask for a clarification about what you heard. Not for conversation...for self protection. Threats are unacceptable. I don't let myself be threatened in any way shape or form especially from an addicted person known or unknown. Ask for the clarification quickly and don't threaten back. Build boundaries.
The last suggestion comes from my long experience in Al-Anon, AA and as a substance abuse and addiction behavioral health counselor. I have put people in conferences with the police for clarified threats without them even suspecting I would do it. My boundaries. This disease contains some very unreal realities and as was said earlier. Your Alcoholic's sponsor is an alcoholic also. Just because they no longer drink it doesn't mean their sane.
Hope some of this has been helpful as the others have been.
(((((hugs)))))
PS...If what I was saying to my alcoholic was personal/confidential came back to me thru her sponsor? The person I would confront would be my wife.
My A's boundaries included my never meeting the sponsor. My A and the sponsor met at restaurants and AA meetings and never at the house. Can you make a boundary with your spouse to not have his sponsor come to your house? To me that would feel like an invasion of my privacy and affect my relationship with my A. What if your husband and his sponsor have a fall out and don't support each other again? I would think it would be better to seperate yourself from the sponsor as much as you can. And I agree, the sponsor is an A too and it is a life long recovery process. Some sponsors relapse too. Let what he said go in one ear and out the other and not let him own a space in your head. Good luck, Serenity
