The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a thought this morning that I wanted to share with the group. Maybe someone else is experiencing this as well. Today's courage to Change was about doing what is best for my life, living my life the way I want it and giving myself what I need to be happy. Thinking about this sentence I asked myself what would make my life feel good? I realized that I knew the answer to that question, but have not been doing what I need to do to make my life happy. Why? Then I thought about my AH. Maybe I'm not growing like I want or doing the things in my life that make me happy out of guilt. Guilt and fear that I'm somehow surpassing his growth. Fear that we'll grow apart, fear about how he'll respond to seeing me grow and mature. Could I be holding myself back and staying in this unhealthy spot because the A is not ready to grow? Its something I really need to meditate on. Our therapist has pointed on a couple occassions when I am feeling good and really taking care of me, my relationship with my AH goes much smoother. He is more attentive to me and seems to want to be around me more. She said that its difficult for him to see me have "needs" or be needy. He can have all the needs his heart desires because he's dependent, but the codependent can't have needs. (At least this was the mindset he has/had). If anyone else has experienced this feeling of holding yourself back from growth due to fear of abandonment, rejection, whatever this is please share with me. Thanks for listening
Living Life One Day At A Time, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Absolutely I have experienced that. And you're so right...it's scary. The moment in time when I realized I was "outgrowing" my AH was a tough one. I had to decide if I wanted to keep growing (with or without him), or hold back in order to make him feel more secure. It seemed like, as you mentioned..., things were fine as long as I didn't have 'needs'. He couldn't handle having to give anything of himself. It was too hard for him to make that emotional connection. But when he needed me...it was a totally different story!
The fear of being alone. Yep... I think that's the number one insecurity for most people. It's amazing how much we're willing to put up with...how willing we can be to settle for less in the name of fear.
It's a good feeling when we have the recovery tools incorporated enough to know that we deserve to grow...despite our fears. In fact, I like to think I deserve to grow "to spite" my fears. :)
I think this is normal to some extent, but it also becomes unhealthy. I think when we realize we're growing, and then try to stop ourselves from growing, what we're really saying is "I'm willing to stay sick to stay with you." Well, that would also mean staying in the old solutions, old realities, old dysfunctions...and isn't that what brought us here to begin with? Isn't that what caused our disablement to begin with? I also know that the healthier the relationship, the more room that is allowed for independence and growth within it. So, I suppose it would be a mark of growth within your marriage if you were allowed, or of illness if you weren't, to grow.
That is very insightful. Yes I definitely still do that. There are areas where I don't let the guilt get me anymore, but not simple self gratification.
- I feel guilty making my own plans to do things when I know she is not doing anything. IE. last weekend I pittled around the house doing stuff but didn't plan to do anything because she hadn't expressed or "agreed" to do anything I suggested. So I did nothing of consequense. Only I can fix this.
- I have put off spending $500 on my hobby for over a year because she had become bored with doing it with me. Felt selfish spending the money on just me. Only I (and 500 bucks ha ha) can fix this.
- We have mutual friends that I don't do anything with anymore, because she had a falling out with them. I feel guilty benefiting from the relationship when she can't. (I have some resentments about this one) Again, only I can fix this.
It is more than I feel guilty or selfish... I am afraid I will have to defend it and I just havn't had the energy for it. I know that all it takes to do these things is to do them. When I get sick and tired enough... I will. I am aware of it, I have accepted that it's my move, I just haven't commited to action yet.
So yes, I very much understand what you are talking about. Thank you for prompting me to sort it out in writing.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Your therapist sounds good. My A has issues with responding to my needs and often calls me needy. I can over respond to his needs. I can even be overinvolved in his life. I look up his medications on the internet when there are medications I should be working on getting for myself!
I admire your insight into the counterbalance of the two persons. I have to remind myself constantly with or without the A I have many many issues separate from him and with him.
