Alcohol II The Movie ( long post) - Al-Anon Family Group

Marianne · Member

Alcohol II The Movie ( long post)

mama_nz · Senior Member

Dear Marianne, I hope you won't mind me sharing some of my thoughts apon reading your post..
The story started off soo well. Sounded like you were doing well for yourself and your children, you kept your boundaries straight away with 'AP'. But then it seems lyou experienced a great loss and 'AP' comes along right at that time to sort of 'fill the gap'...
I can't possibly know the whole story, but just observing what you wrote, you don't seem to like AP much to put it lightly: 'the drink driving, the benders, the dope smoking...'
So, I can't help but wonder if by focusing so much on what he's doing that you are maybe distracting yourself from the pain of the loss of your son by trying to 'fix' AP. Maybe you think that if you can do that then that will make up for feeling like you could have maybe prevented what happened to your son, which you should not take on yourself like that.
You don't sound happy with AP, you said from the start you had those red flags and you ended it with him. If AP dies, how is this going to affect you, will this leave you feeling alone again?

I say this because this is the quote from your post that kind of raised questions for me: "I couldn't live with him but couldn't live without him. The day I moved in he promised to help but was so drunk he couldn't do a thing then locked himself in his house and left me to cope. I climbed through the window to check he was ok after a few hours and becasue despite everything I needed a cuddle.

You were able to look after yourself before, you have a grandchild now, why try to desperately seek something from him to fill that emotional hole? Only you can heal that wound, just like only he can be the one to decide to save himself. Can you forgive yourself first?

Marianne · Member

Hey wait a minute mamnz. At what point did I say I felt responsible for my son's death? Perhaps you think I should? Can I suggest you think a little more carefully before responding to posts. I am used to posting on another forum where we speak from the heart and are met with compassion, empathy and love not criticism, amateur psychoanalysis and unsolicited advice. If you look at the first line you will see that I merely said 'I want to tell you why I am on this forum'. I did not ask for advice. But since you think advice is good I suggest you listen to the inspirational talks by AlAnon members on this site. All three of these speakers stuck together with their partners through recovery despite all kinds of difficult behaviour. Yet you apparently have decided I should not and partly because he might die. We will all die. It is the alcohol fuelled behaviour I dislike not him. Oh yes and what is it I am supposed to be forgiving myself for? I am sorry but your post has made me quite upset. I expect you will draw some conclusion from that as well and you are welcome but please just keep it to yourself.

-- Edited by Marianne at 20:32, 2007-01-31

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hearing an awful lot about him, here, not too much about you. Are you getting support from some other sources? Doing things for YOU, rather than waiting for him to come back? I am one who did hang on, didn't quit before the miracle - my husband has found sobriety (so far, be four years in March) and I have to say that the first year and a half after he sobered up were much harder on our marriage than any of the drinking years. We tend to put most of our eggs in the "just let him sober up" basket, and it is often hiding the read work we need to do on ourselves. It wasn't until I started taking this program seriously that things started to improve. The companionship and support are nice, and real life savers sometimes, but they are not the program. The program is the work we do on ourselves - without that, real change does not happen, and our happiness continues to depend on the actions of another person. You have suffered some real blows in your life, and will probably never be free of the effects. This program can help you find some serenity in your present and future.

irish54 · Senior Member

(((((Marianne)))))

Warm hugs to you. I sat here speechless as I watched the beautiful site you set up on the net for Sam. The music is fantastic.

My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry for all you are going through.

We as a family (Al-anon family) are here for you.

Please keep coming back. Love and Hugs, Irish

Marianne · Member

Thank you Lin. I guess that is true that I look to when he is sober and if he is sober and all that. I am actually in training to change profession, a four year training and I'm in the first year so that is really exciting. I couldn't continue with teaching in secondary school after my boy died. I guess I talked a lot more about him becasue without him I would never have thought maybe Alanon might have some purpose for me. I already have the support of a therapist to help with the trauma and shock I have experienced. I live in a beautiful part of the world as well which is a wonderful thing too. I have taken care of myself and my children for a long time and do know how to do that. What I find more challenging is believing that anyone else might be able to take care of me! Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post.

Thank you Irish as well. Love the rainbow thingie!

and thank you MamaNZ. I know you were trying to offer support and I appreciate that.

Moon · Veteran Member

Marianne,

Welcome to Al-anon and keep coming back! To be honest you sound a little emotionally numb. I know you have very strong feelings towards your son, but when you stated that you would 'get over it matter of factly' (if AP died), that's a sign of someone pretty numbed out. Like you have gone through way too much to deal with his 'little' death...or something like that. I understand that your son's death was a very tragic event for you, (((hugs))) however, you're not talking with the PTA parents, your speaking to a group of al-anons....trust me we have been through what you've been through, just different circumstances. So when you say "think of the worse thing that has happened to you and then multiply it by a million and you won't be close" that tell's me that you feel like you are alone in your grief and pain and trust me, you're not. What I have learned about dealing with a death of a family member is to feel the pain, honor the life, and not stay in the misery. Remember today you have choices. I wish you years of recovery and hope for today (pardon the pun)

Susan K · Newbie

As an active AA, Al-Anon and TCF member I can assure Moon that unless you have lost a child then under no circumstances can you consider you have been through what Marianne describes, 'different circumstances' or not. I speak from experience - I have lost several close family members, over a period of time, but nothing, absolutely nothing compares to the loss of a child. In saying "think of the worse thing that has happened to you and then multiply it by a million and you won't be close" Marianne is certainly not saying to me that she is alone in her grief and pain, she is merely trying to convey to those who have not suffered such just how it is - I know - I describe it similarly - so she is hardly alone. Lots of love and hugs to you Marianne.

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