The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
To render ourselves insensible to pain we must forfeit also the possibilities of happiness. --Sir John Lubbock
A caterpillar knows instinctively that it must spin a cocoon. When finished it will use the protection it has made to turn itself into a beautiful butterfly. When the time is right, the butterfly will break through the cocoon and stretch its wings to meet the world.
We sometimes protect ourselves by withdrawing into a cocoon of our own. We stop talking to others and find ourselves growing lonely and longing for our friends. Perhaps it was some pain that made us retreat, but the pain of loneliness is greater. When we have the courage to break out of our cocoon, knowing and accepting the fact that we will experience both pain and happiness, we will change. We will become, for that moment, something new and beautiful like the butterfly.
I know from my personal experience that I had to survive my alcholic family. Period. End of quote. Growing up, I had no real tools to be responsible for myself, and I despised quotes from Abraham Lincon ("People are about as happy as they make their mind up to be") and Elenor Roosevelt ("No one can make you feel inferior without your consent). They were 6 ft under and I despised them for that! The least you could do was be alive so I could hate you in person! I know today that because of the fact that I didn't have the tools then, I can honestly be greatful for having spiritual tools of living today. I have found from working in these rooms how "normal" I am--and from having access to the university library how "normal" my responces were to the alcholic family dysfunction and the insanities that defined my life. That doesn't mean that I'm pollyanna (anyone wanna testify to that one? ) But I can honestly say that I am humbled by how far my life has come. Having said all this, I'm not trying to say either that I don't find myself in my old patterns. But what I am finding myself in these days is in a much better place to "name it, claim it, dump it:" I'm finding where it is I'm "acting out," why it is, and surrendering it. I also find myself more and more keeping an eye on my ego--the one that says "I'm supposed to have all this recovery and be this becon for all these new comers...why am I having this same old problem? Why am I asking for help if I already know the solution? Why am I feeling like I need to talk to somebody if I already know what they're gonna tell me?" Short answer:'Cause I don't! I don't knwo what someone's gonna tell me! I'm thinking for them! I'm doing their job for them and not letting people help me. I'm being the same person I was when I came into these rooms--Don't help me! I can do it! I'll fix it! No! No! No! So...whatcha got? Been there? Done that?
When I bring up a topic at a meeting, or just ask for help, I often have that feeling that I know what they are going to say. For some reason though, it's different hearing it from them than just thinking it in my head and going yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think it's like breathing. I know what breathing is like. I have done it all my life. One breath is just like the next. When it comes to breathing, I am experienced. Yet, in just a few seconds, I'm going to have to take yet another breath. And it will be like the others... why do I keep doing it? LOL.... because, breathing is a good thing!
Just because something is familiar doesn't mean I can stop doing it. Insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results. Sanity is finding the things that produce good results and then doing them over and over, and remembering that to keep getting the good things, we keep doing it.
For me - it's going to meetings; saying the 3rd and 7th step prayer every day; talking to people on both sides of the program. Working steps 10-11-12 as the opportunities present themselves (and they do every day). And breathing.
)